[SorryShaped]

I can't let my last go as much as I try. It's emotional whack-a-mole. I'll get over one thing, or think I have, then another rears its ugly head and I lose it over that. I'm done with everything in my life except exercise and yoga, the only things I have left that I enjoy. I'm going to be self-elected homeless soon, because everyone's expectations of me are more than I'm capable of. I'm crying and physically hurting from it at least 5 times a day. I think about suicide, but know that guarantees it can't get better ever. I've given up, but try anyway. I fired my therapist that I kind of liked but got one that's very aggressive and all in my 5#!+ with aplomb, which I need. Every time I see him, I cry like hell before, during, and after because he's rough. I need the rough but it brings to mind my ex, and she was very emotionally and mentally abusive. We were married over 19 years, but just barely. The divorce was finalized this year early. I deserve to feel better but don't know how to. As I was told for a long time, I am the problem

[Shazerac]

sorry your hurting.

Maybe you don't need the rough T? If you are crying before, during and after. That's pretty stressful. Are you sure this is what you need at this time? May I ask why you fired the T that you kind of liked?

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

sorry your hurting.

Maybe you don't need the rough T? If you are crying before, during and after. That's pretty stressful. Are you sure this is what you need at this time? May I ask why you fired the T that you kind of liked?

He cancelled two appointments, both within 2 weeks after discharge. I needed him and he wasn't there. He also wasn't active enough in my therapy most of the time. He just listened. I saw him for months and got nowhere.
My new, current therapist, in my first session said "stop being an a-hole to yourself. It's making you miserable." I needed to hear that from somewhere, even though it sounds like an obvious thing. I never had. There was another therapist I had in the same hospital back in December (suicidal big time, was staring at open pills and grabbed phone instead. Grateful they answered). That guy had the whole group in tears because of his harshness, except me. It was what I needed and got me on "the path." I need activeness, harsh il being encouraged because I'm not going to consider "lazy" to get the job done.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I'm glad that the aggressive therapist is working for you. I couldn't handle it. I hope you come to a place of peace and healing soon. Sending big hugs.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I'm glad that the aggressive therapist is working for you. I couldn't handle it. I hope you come to a place of peace and healing soon. Sending big hugs.

Thank you.
I'm probably about to leave everything and take off for places unknown. Let life become my therapist. Find myself by finding new things in new places. I have nothing here tying me down. Kids are grown, though still under their mother's "care." No GF and I don't want one. Family expectations of me to care for my parents are crushing me. I've given my siblings fair warning and certainly enough evidence that my situation is not healthy for me, especially if you look how it put me in hospital. Why not?

[Fuzzybear]

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Thank you for hugs but we're past that. I've closed off my social media accounts because someone might alert my parents that I'm this rough. I won't go back to the hospital, even though I signed myself in both recent times, without anyone else knowing my state.
I've had some kratom and kava tea and am laying down for the night. Please don't lecture me about those because my providers know I use both and my life is better with than without them. I don't need a lecture too right now.
Are there crisis chats online anywhere? If I can't get under control I don't know what will happen.