[TishaBuv]

I have been married for 20 years. Our relationship is very good outside of the bedroom. Trying to keep this brief; We developed a toxic routine I call "Torture Foreplay'. It starts with my husband not initiating sex, instead of me initiating instead (easy solution) I get extremely upset. Over time, my emotions have gone from crying hysterically to now having full-blown temper tantrums. Again, there's so much I am not saying because it's a very long story.

Many times I have thrown him out and went as far as getting half way through a divorce (twice). Last night, blow-out scene with temper tantrum, I threw him out. Our children are now older and in college and were in the house. Our oldest son, who is studying to be a psychologist, came into the room and sat with me until I calmed down. We talked about the confllict, but of course, I could only tell him it is an intimacy issue or a control issue.

The embarrassment and humiliation is unbelievable. My whole family knows. I have been crying and pleading for help and support for years. Yes, we have tried a dozen or more doctors-- no good results.

It is most definitely a co-morbid struggle between us both, not just my fault, not just his.

What I want to say, in hopes of maybe helping someone else is:
Listen to your emotions
I think my hysteria escallated on this one and only this one issue to show me how insane this man and what he does to me has made me. I tell my children, if someone hurts you and you can't stop them, get away from them.

So, I hope, this time, I take my own advice and be strong. This situation will never change and I am a nervous wreck from it. I deserve better. The loss of this otherwide great relationship is a tragedy beyond words.

[CANDC]

Hi Tisha. Welcome to Psych Central. I am so sorry you have suffered abuse. No one should have to endure that.

There are many forums here which you can find. One you might want to check out is Survivors of Abuse - Forums at Psych Central You have your hands full being a caregiver to your father.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Fuzzybear]

[TishaBuv]

Nothing improved since my first post. I have ran in circles, chasing my tail.

Because I kept going to different therapists, I got varying diagnoses. Then it was ME who read everything I could and approached the therapists with the question about 'do I have BPD?'. So, some said 'no', some said 'maybe', some said 'traits', and I have obsessed about this, driving myself even more crazy.

But, the bottom line is I have a horrible intimate relationship with my husband. It never got any better because neither of us changed or compromised or gave in.

I just can't stand him and need to get myself out.

Instead, I am wishy-washy, verbally abusive to him, physically abusive to myself- and yes, exhibiting all the traits of BPD!

He is steadfast. He's a inactive person, who turns on the TV and spaces out. He will NEVER initiate sex with me the way that I want it. I will become angry and my mood become disordered forever, coping with this man!

Today, I am taking one step in the right direction towards leaving him. Tomorrow, I will take another...

[Sunflower123]

I hope you make a decision that brings you peace and healing.

Please do take care of yourself.... if leaving him is the best solution at this time, by all means, do what you need to do. It sounds maddening to me. I would tear my hair out if my partner never initiated. ((((Hugs))))

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Nothing improved since my first post. I have ran in circles, chasing my tail.

Because I kept going to different therapists, I got varying diagnoses. Then it was ME who read everything I could and approached the therapists with the question about 'do I have BPD?'. So, some said 'no', some said 'maybe', some said 'traits', and I have obsessed about this, driving myself even more crazy.

But, the bottom line is I have a horrible intimate relationship with my husband. It never got any better because neither of us changed or compromised or gave in.

I just can't stand him and need to get myself out.

Instead, I am wishy-washy, verbally abusive to him, physically abusive to myself- and yes, exhibiting all the traits of BPD!

He is steadfast. He's a inactive person, who turns on the TV and spaces out. He will NEVER initiate sex with me the way that I want it. I will become angry and my mood become disordered forever, coping with this man!

Today, I am taking one step in the right direction towards leaving him. Tomorrow, I will take another...

Tisha --

You can't say you didn't try. You can't say you tried to blame all your problems on him. You stayed this long because despite how torturous it has been for you, you have felt sympathy for him and are a fair person from my POV.

Our situations are different but I also find myself wondering how much of my mental issues come from dealing with my husband--who is a good person but very difficult to deal with plus there are things that we will never agree on.

Divorce will be difficult but so is marriage. I am sorry you are so traumatized by all of this. Thinking of you during this difficult time.....

[mc2ed]

I have thoughts yet not really informed enough as to what happens....is it just that he does not initiate...that upsets you?.....If you initiate sex does he then participate?...you say he is inactive...does he have perchance body issues that make HIM uncomfortable baring himself...when you do have sex is it mutually satisfying?.....is your husband on medication of some sort that may make him not able to perform?.....there are sooooo many things that can be involved about sexual conflict...that actually have nothing to do with sex....and anger is not about anger either....it is often the emotion we choose to exhibit to cover up tremendous hurt....it isn't really anger at all....

I have a brain injury...I could absolutely care less about sex.....something is broken in that signal department....yet I know that my fellow is rather fond of it...so...I am the one who initiates sex....each and every time...and I do that for him....because I love him.....there are so many ways of giving pleasure to a mate....

Is your husband really withholding sex to emotionally torture you...or has it become so weighted down by other things that it is the line in the sand....if you are in a rage that isn't the moment it is going to happen....are there times when you could have an actual conversation about how you feel....when neither one of you are in a turmoil......It was something I really had to learn....how to pick the moments for conversations that were not entangled by other emotions that stopped my fellow from being able to actually hear and take in what I wanted to say....especially if it is a conversation about something we are both charged up about....

Do you REALLY want a divorce from your husband or is it that feeling of the moment when you are angry and you act out because you want him to hurt like you are hurting...Sometimes when I get very emotional....I will go and sit and become very still...breathe...and really examine what I am feeling...let myself feel the hurt...frustration...embarrassment...rage....what ever the emotion is...and see if it is truly the core factor in what I am feeling....also sometimes I write a letter to my husband...as then I can say what I need to...and sit with that a while...and it is easier for him to take in...as we are not interrupting and trying to speak over each other...

I shouted out loud in my house the other day...I want a divorce....and then realized no I don't...I wanted something to be different in my marriage...it really didn't have anything to do with me wanting a divorce....

One of my councilors told me to ask my self questions when I was upset...would I be better off...if this....or that...actually happened the way I thought I wanted something to occur in my head......Would you be better off....happier...if you did divorce your husband..?...for me...sex isn't the biggest thing in my marriage....companionship...affection...love....I would rather laugh with my fellow than actually have sex....and oh my gosh can he make me laugh...yet because of my issue....not his....I am the one who initiates sex with my fellow...it is something I offer out of my own awareness...of the difficulty I place in that exchange....

I studied sex...because I wanted to give beyond what I felt I lacked in the desire department...I interviewed sex workers...gay men...I read everything I could...learning about bringing pleasure to a man that I could...and put it into practice...I used to tell my one sister...don't withhold sex as punishment....for what ever reason.......instead give him the absolute best sex he is ever going to get anywhere....men grow love out of the physical act...women it is in their mind....if the goal is to make him as happy as he can be sexually...you will reap the benefit of that always....

I have rambled on....just wishing to to offer other thoughts...or ways of looking at something...20 years is a long time to be with someone....there are always ebbs and flows...in relationships....I have been married for 30 years....sometimes I want to stick my fellows head in a bucket and hit it with a stick....and then moments later...I couldn't image why I would think to do that....nothing stays the same....everything changes...

I hope you can find peace....and really settle into your heart in comfort with what you decide....it is always a good thing to talk with someone...