Immense Guilt

I'm struggling with memories of when I was in my early teens. Moments when I'd get irrationally angry and say something really unnecessary. I was never violent with the exception of one moment of madness in a hostile situation and I feel nothing but sorrow for anyone affected. I wish I could go back in time and somehow alter the way I'd respond to a difficult situation or intrusive thought but I know I can't and I have to accept this.

I could have been a better brother but I wasn't and now I have to accept that which I find to be a really distressing process. It's hard talking about this with a therapist or anyone for the matter because all I'm doing is dwelling on the negatives and making myself look really bad which is really uncomfortable in any company. Guilt is something I face every single day, mostly, and I have no idea how to deal with it except acknowledging that ''that was the past, this is now. That was a different person to who I am now" but this does very little, otherwise I wouldn't have to keep telling myself this!!!

Hello eclair: I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I'm going on 70 years old! And I want to tell you that I have SO MANY bad memories of things I've done wrong in the past that there's simply no end to them. It's like being stung by a never-ending swarm of bees!

I wish I could tell you that I found a cure for this never-ending onslaught. But I haven't. The best remedy I have found is the Buddhist practice of compassionate abiding. Here's a nice mental health oriented description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/

What I find, in my own life, is that the best I can do is to allow those bad memories to be there (they're going to be anyway.) I then breathe into them, smile to them, perhaps even put my hand over my heart as a sign of compassion for them, & be with them until they fade of their own accord. They come back, of course. But by continuing to abide with them in the way I've described, their power does diminish a bit over time. And, perhaps more importantly, this practice teaches us that it is possible to dwell with this kind of sorrow & still maintain our emotional balance... our equanimity if you will.

Also... here's a link to an article on the subject of intrusive thoughts from the PsychCentral archives. Perhaps something in it may be of some help too:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/socia...sive-thoughts/

My best wishes to you...

What did you do, that you feel guilty about?

(((((Hugs)))))

Mostly saying very silly, juvenile, unnecessary things in an argument and having grown up since then, I feel a lot of shame. That I didn't need to say anything at all as now I see the tediousness in cheap arguments -- unfortunately, back then in my early teenage years, I couldn't see how useless conflict was. I've forgiven myself for this, however.

Regarding my brother, I'm not sure what happened there... My brother has autism among other things and so he takes certain incidents very seriously whereas it wouldn't matter as much to anyone else. For instance, I moved one of his belongings not knowing the magnitude of its significance to him so he lashed out at me. But I didn't understand why he was so angry over something so silly. This exchange would repeat itself until mid-way through my teens when we'd find out there was something more going on mentally.

I forgive myself because as a child and throughout my early teens, I didn't understand mental health so I couldn't take the drama seriously and so handled confrontation/teasing how I would with anyone else. I don't blame myself too much. It's unpleasant, knowing things could have been a little better, had I known what was going on and now being powerless to change the past.

Perfect way of putting it, I know the feeling!!

Thank you so much, Skeezyks , for sharing your experience I will look into your practice as it sounds like it could be beneficial to me. It's a real shame we can't simply permanently erase those bad memories but then there are those who say we wouldn't be who we are today without them...

Thank you for the supportive response, I really appreciate it - my best wishes to you, too

thank you, Jennifer, I hope all is well with you

Your brother controls with anger. You are not at fault there. It seems you handled things well as expected. Nothing to be ashamed of.