Feeling a bit bitter for no reason

Hi everyone! Sorry I've been gone for a while. I should really be back over here as it's a good place to come and not be judged.

I'm really confused at the moment. I'm feeling quite bitter for no reason that I can specifically pin point. Well I kind of understand why but don't feel like I should feel this way at all.

I've just got a new job and I love it. I also recently passed my final exam for my degree. I'm in a happy relationship for over a year and everything seems to be going well in my life so I should feel really good, but I just feel irritable and out of sorts. It's not all the time, but it comes in ebbs and flows and I don't understand it.

One thing is that I'm scared of aging and getting old, frail and facing death. I lost my grandad last year and my dog the year before that. Since then I've been worrying most nights about the end and also about getting older. I'm only young (26) but I'm just so worried that I'll wake up one day and I'll be old and I won't have enjoyed my life enough. I feel stuck in a circle with it. I don't think about it as much when I'm with my partner and I feel better when I'm with him.

I then have this massive struggle with my identity. I've written about this a few times before and it still plagues me all the time. I suffer from low self esteem and try to be what I think people want me to be. I want to please them and be liked. This has led me to feel very anxious and I can't relax when I'm with other people. I'm just not sure who I am or how to be myself. Again I don't think about this much when I'm with my partner. I don't know if this is because my family have been unintentionally critical about aspects of my looks and personality such as my weight, being a sensitive person etc. So I just don't feel good enough or feel like I have to hide the imperfect bits. This is worse because of my new job where I'm desperate to fit in and be liked. I love everyone there and they've made me feel really welcome but I'm just overthinking about how I'm coming across.

Things are a bit dodgy at home. My nephew and his mum don't get on so he's practically moved in to our very tiny house. I don't mind him being there but sometimes it feels a bit ... I dunno? Like there's not enough space for us all, I can't really watch what I want because he's young but stays up late. It just feels a bit intrusive I guess. I'm not at home half the time as I stay at my partners house. My mum said it's possible that if I moved out he would move in full time.

I don't know if I'll move out anytime soon but I'm feeling a bit squashed and smothered at home. My mum is still quite overprotective of me and I feel like I can't fully fledge as an adult at the moment. Me and my partner have talked about moving in together at some point but it won't be for probably another year or so. My parents say I won't cope on my own even though I could probably afford it in a few months of working.

I dunno. Things just feel a bit off. I'm worried about things going wrong a lot as my job isn't actually permanent yet, although there's a good possibility it could become permanent in a few months.

I don't know. I'm feeling a bit down and feel bad for moaning but I just need to get it off my chest somewhere. If anyone has any advice or just some support to offer that would be great.

Thanks

Hi scarlett: Well... I am old! And all things considered, it's not so bad. From what you wrote, it just sounds as though you have a lot of unsettled sorts of stuff going on at the moment. Transitions are tough, whether it be within the home or to a new home, or to a new job, etc. And then you've also endured a couple of serious losses over the past couple of years. So, at least from my perspective, I think feeling down, or perhaps bitter, is to be expected.

I once attended a partial hospital program where they told us: "Don't should on youself." So I'd just like to say there's no should about it here. You just feel the way you feel... and it's okay... I wish you well...

Aww thank you so much. I am feeling guilty for feeling this way. Especially as I can't put my finger on why it is! Hopefully it will settle down in a month or so and I'll feel better then !!

I feel you will do quite well on your own. Plan to move out on your own.

Thanks if my job becomes permanent I think i will do that!