Bullies

They come in different disguises.

When you're a child you can spot them easily, even though it might be difficult to cope with them.

When you're an adult they're there too. They want what they want and unless you fall in with them life can be difficult for you. They are often more subtle and harder to spot.

I sometimes wonder if bullies smell me out.

I'd welcome thoughts/experiences but don't want to write any more right now about my 'bully'. (Not about anybody on PC).

When they were at school, I just easily avoided them. Having a smaller social group has a plus side! But if they are your boss or sit in the cubicle next to you (a coworker that you are forced to see constantly) or a member of your family--they are quite triggering. It was also triggering for me to see others being bullied but not removing themselves from the situation. I can think of a couple of people who wanted approval from bullies (I don't see you as being at all like this). They wanted approval despite the fact that it really wasn't approval at all--the bullies were using them to pump up their own egos. Sickening!!!!

I'm sorry

(((((((((Prefab)))))))))

I like how you said "they come in different disguises." They sure do. In the adult world...I have noticed that bullies (at least the ones I've experienced) seem to want to come off as good people who are "Victims" of the people they are bullying. I've also experienced them acting nice to some people and not nice to others (not being nice to people who have no power or authority, and being nice to people who either have power and authority, or they may even have power and authority themselves).

I am here for you if you want to talk about it or not.

I've experienced bullying on many accounts. I've come to accept that they will always be a part of my life and I just have to deal with it.

When you’re being bullied by someone, you shouldn’t treat them like you want to be treated by them, cause they will abuse that and they will never just realise that what they do really hurts. I’ve been bullied for a few years at my school and when they beat me up and I fought back they would say to everyone that I was the bully so they could do it all again. The funny thing about the people who used to bully me is that they also were in my soccer team, and they left the team to go to another team because they were “to good for the team” and at their new team they got kicked out because they were too bad.

Sprout, I, too, have been bullied as a child and as an adult by many people. I think the key is to let them know they cannot push you around and to stand up for oneself. Toughness needs toughness in response.

Bullies have something wrong with them.
I know because I use to be like that

they're sad people
that's it

I'm sorry you have to deal with it...

Bullies are extremely INsecure. When you experience bullying....walk away. If someone were throwing rocks at you, you would leave...that is what bullying....verbal abuse. is.

Did you have life experiences with bullying during your youth?

Yes I did.

^This! So much, this!

Almost every bully I have encountered plays the victim to authority while gossiping about people behind their backs or getting ppl to gang up on the real victim. When the real victim tries to stand up for themselves, the bully paints them as the bully and often people believe it. It's seriously manipulative and pathological behavior. I am always wary when someone tells me they are being bullied until I hear the whole story.

I agree with this. The only thing that works with bullies is to not respond. Standing up for yourself and arguing, only leads to an escalation. That's what the bully wants. If you can report the behavior and enlist help from authorities, that is great, if not, it's best to just remove yourself from the situation because bullies only stop when they realize they can't get a response.

Then what you said about 'bullies smelling you out' may actually be quite accurate... Not literally of course... But the events of our youth/childhood which create strong and challenging emotional states can leave a lasting energetic 'impression' upon us... And this 'impression' stays with us until we heal those emotional wounds... So when someone comes along who may be predisposed to bullying, and they encounter someone who has that lingering, unhealed 'impression' from their past - well it's like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together and the behavior/interaction repeats itself...

If you are continuing to encounter bullying behavior during the course of your adulthood - that's your sign/indicator that there is some 'unresolved business' within you which still needs to be addressed and resolved (healed). Respectfully, I would focus much less on the current 'bullies' and instead focus on your childhood/upbringing and try to reconnenct with your 'younger self' to discover just what type of emotional energy is still lingering within you and needs to be processed & released. Easier said than done of course - but you can accomplish this... When you find what needs to be healed , and you courageously allow yourself to feel, experience, and purge (release) that unresolved emotional energy - then you will find that you are no longer a magnet for bullies and bullying behavior.

This makes sense. Do you have any suggestions of how to reconnect with my younger self and heal?

Great question... Have you ever found yourself digging through some storage boxes in your residence, and you discover something you had long since forgotten about, and then your reaction is along the lines of, "Wow I didn't know I still had this"....

Well that's quite analogous to what we're discussing here, regarding unresolved 'emotional baggage'... It's like a person is still holding onto something that he/she didn't know she still possessed... The key is to uncover it... You see it's quite natural and instinctual for individuals to push away and bury painful emotions and thoughts that are too challenging to cope with at the time in their life that they surfaced. This is more likely to happen when we are young, inexperienced, and our degree of awareness is much less-developed... So the painful/challenging emotions can be pushed away and placed in 'storage' - only to need to be dealt with later in life (when the individual is ready/prepared to do so).

As far as your question - I can't precisely specify how to accomplish that for yourself. Your instincts/intuition will help steer and guide you to what you need to do and experience to accomplish this endeavor. Certainly writing exercises and allowing yourself to process (write down) your thoughts and emotions surrounding your childhood and those bullying experiences would be a good option and a cathartic tool to really allow yourself to reconnect with those sensitive emotions from your past. Also, perhaps there may be some childhood possessions or photos which will influence you to consciously reconnect with your 'younger self' - and this may aid in conjuring up emotions that are linked to that time in your life experience. Perhaps there was an individual that was responsible for a lot of the strong emotions that you experienced - and there may be a need for you to navigate your way to a state of forgiveness for that individual and what he/she had caused you to experience?

It's also really important for me to mention that there are times when life's current circumstances will unexpectedly 'trigger you' - and suddenly all of this sensitive emotional energy from your past gets conjured up and starts rising to the surface (of your consciousness). When this happens, it's quite challenging and uncomfortable - but it's actually a blessing in disguise. All of that stored emotional material/energy gets stimulated and starts 'coming up' so that you can consciously process it and finally purge (release) it... It just needs to be experienced on its way out. This happened to me - in my late 20's I experienced a set of external circumstances which evoked feelings of 'rejection' within me - and this unexpectedly triggered all of the emotional energy surrounding feelings of rejection that I had experienced throughout my childhood/adolescence. So the current external circumstances were not that bad or threatening - but they served as a 'trigger' for all of this sensitive emotional material/energy to rise to the surface so that I could release it and heal/purify myself. That's exactly what happened. My theory is that this will happen when the individual is finally ready to handle and complete the healing process - which is transformational once it plays out. So please don't beat yourself up if you can't (in your mind) figure out how you are going to fully heal yourself. I wanted to convey here that sometimes the Universe is actively coordinating & arranging things to help facilitate this process. That sometimes you are not actively 'planning' to experience anything - yet something very important and beneficial plays out.

So overall, I think you can absolutely foster and nurture the healing process - but there are also times where you find yourself experiencing unexpected and unanticipated developments that are also contributing and pushing you towards that goal/endeavor. Be proactive, but also remind yourself that things will play out in their proper place and time (when you are ready)...

If you can't bring yourself to stand up to bullies then, the best thing to do is avoid them. Maybe you should take up an activity that builds confidence and will improve your self-esteem.

Sorry to hear that you have/are experiencing bullying.
There will always be bullies. That's why i believe it's better to learn how to deal with bullying.

When I worked for the Air Force there were a lot of bullies who would tell me that I wasn't social or that I wasn't happy. I'm glad I quit.

I just had a conversation about this with a friend whose son is being bullied. She was faced with others telling her to tell her son to ignore it or fight back. I told her absolutely not to tell her son to ignore it or 'be a man'. My reasoning is that this only gives the child the message that such behaviour is normalized. This in turn causes the child to expect such treatment and question their self worth. On the contrary my advice was to get the teacher, school, and school board involved. The child also needs to know it is safe to go to an adult.

I relate this as I have a 'victim mentality' going back to my own years of continued and worsening bullying. It was as though I had a target on my back that made me fair game for such treatment - which I came to feel I deserved. The childhood bullying went on into adulthood where my first too husbands became my bullies and tormentors too. I lived with it because it all went back to being told those years ago to be a 'good girl' and 'ignore it'.

I agree 100% . I too was told to toughen up and deal with it myself. I stayed quiet and never fought back. To this day I freeze in conflict situations which I think was because of this.

It is never okay to bully and children must be supported by adults.

As for how we move forward as adults that is another matter.

I was singled out and bullied in elementary school. It was terrible. I was the “fat” kid in the 70s when the kids weren’t fat. When I look at pictures, I don’t even look fat! I just wasn’t skinny.

I used to think I snapped, but now that I’m older, I think I was probably bipolar back then. In 7th grade, I decided to “get them.” Fortunately, I couldn’t catch them, but I tried. One of them put her shoe on the back of my chair on my hair and raked down, yanking my hair and head. I jumped up and chased her sorry ***. I was going to beat the tar out of her if I caught her, and she and her friends could tell. They screamed and were saying OMG. I don’t know if I really would have hit her if I caught her. I’ve never actually been in a fight, but that is what I had decided the next time anyone tried anything!

Then a boy shoved my friend out of her chair, and I got him. I stepped on his foot and shoved him backwards, and he hit the ground in the lunch room. when he started yelling, I stomped on his malt and it shot across the floor. I thought I was going to get in trouble because he told on me, but I didn’t.

None of them bothered me again.

Today I would be in trouble. My daughter says you aren’t allowed to fight back in school.

At work, several years ago, one of my coworkers was mean to the admin assistants. I don’t remember this at all, but my friend told me that I asked him who told him he could treat people like that, and where did he learn to act like that? She said I scared him <shrugs>.

The only thing I remember is telling him in an email that I did not appreciate his tone or demeanor when he was talking to me.

He was very alarmed as I recall.

I completely understand because I feel the same way.

I completely understand because I went through this myself. I was bullied by my own teacher because I reported the bullying.