[jrae]

I'm not good with emotions, never have been. I'm a very private person and a strong introvert. never been close with my family and never will. I've been wearing a 'mask/face' most of my life. (hiding my depression/MIs) but I'm really nervous about this week...

the funeral for my Grandma is on Wednesday, with the family service/visitation tomorrow evening! this might be the most emotional my family has ever seen me!!! not sure I can maintain my 'face' during those.

last time a grandparent died was nineteen years ago: had two in four and a half months -> I was only a very young teenager and would only cry alone in my bedroom! and that's what I've been doing the past week, crying when I'm by myself (I live alone).

my Grandma had six kids, and I don't want to be an insensitive jacka** and imply that my pain is worse than theirs. but in a way it kinda is- everyone in my family/relatives is "paired". I gots none! but in many ways, my Grandma kinda took that place!

having depression for so long has kinda 'taught' me, in certain terms. I'm use to living daily with aspects of situations my family now goes thru. but the 'loss pain' might be more than I can contain this time. and it is a very uncomfortable feeling, the whole emotional stuff around my family. so how do I do this, keeping my best interests (emotional 'protection' so to speak) in mind???

[SorryShaped]

Did it really teach you a positive skill? Have you ever told yourself that it's ok to be emotional sometimes? I've been telling my inner child he can be himself and he does let the tears out

[MickeyCheeky]

Not sure I understand, but I think it's ok to be emotional at a funeral. They will understand.

[Open Eyes]

(((jrae))),

Often what happens to children growing up is when they express their emotions the responses they typically get are "don't cry" and "stop being angry" and "don't be afraid" and because of that they develop a mindset that they are not supposed to "feel" and that if they do "feel" it's an imposition on others around them. This is what leads to a child becoming more and more introverted because no one actually sits with them and gives them permission to "feel", for example, "oh it's ok to cry, that was scary and that was sad and you were frightened and hurt".

One can actually tell that someone lacked that kind of nurturing because they will talk about how uncomfortable they are when it comes to feeling "safe" to express their emotions, especially around family members as you have described in your post as feeling.

everyone in my family/relatives is "paired". I gots none! but in many ways, my Grandma kinda took that place!

So, your Grandma was a very important presence in your life, someone you felt cared and that you could share things with. It's only natural that her passing would bring out a deep grief and loss in you.

Yes, there are times where even though a person is surrounded by family, that person genuinely feels "alone" and can feel very alone with their emotional challenges too. It's very understandable that you feel this way and worry about being around other family members at your grandmother's funeral. When someone passes away, everyone around them will grieve that person in their own way depending on how the one that passed touched them in their own personal way. Your grandmother was "special" to you and you don't have to be ashamed about that. I am sure your grandmother would be so pleased to know that her presence in your life meant so much to you.

Though you are struggling with this--all your emotions are legitimate and acceptable. I think one of the purposes of a funeral is to make someone's passing seem real. Death of your friends and dear family is the worst thing about life. The finality of it all is sad, shocking, can make you angry or want to suspend disbelief. Any emotion you display is understandable. Your feelings about your grandma are complicated (no one relationship is exactly the same). Grandma's are so important--so many of them fill in where our mother's lack. Thank goodness she was part of your life.

[jrae]

'Open Eyes' and 'Hopingtrying' ,

thank you guys so much for what you wrote! I read it and started crying.
I have to get going now, but just wanted to say a quick thank you!!!