[BrokenDamaged]

Hello,

Since January, I have been in a deep depression and made two serious suicide attempts in February, and feel extreme sadness and agony every single day for existing. I have become a mere shell of my former self, and I deleted my social media accounts, have not spoken to family in months, disabled my voicemail, blocked all calls, texts and even when I took a weekend vacation 2 weeks ago, I ended up crying and having multiple anxiety attacks most of the time. I DO NOT want to feel this way; I tried to speak to someone via crisis chat, but they recommended more extensive care. I refuse to see a therapist in person because I am too ashamed, so is there anything I can do besides suicide? Every day is a struggle.

I had depression for all my life, but it usually subsides after a week or 2. This recent depression came from an emergency surgery, cancer diagnosis, an end of a "relationship", cyberbullying and anxiety about being a childless woman in her 30s... I never had much support in life, but always tried to live a clean, virtuous life.

Edit: I was on Paxil, Fluoxetine and Welbutrin for 4 years, ended up not helping much and upsetting my stomach. Would not recommend.

[Wild Coyote]

I am very sorry for all you are going through. Sounds overwhelming!

Is there anything other than suicide?

You could make a commitment to living, at least a day-to-day commitment, as in One Day at a Time. That's what I do. I have been struggling with depression for many years.

My dad took his own life, which was tragic. Most people never forgave him for this. It was very painful to everyone around him. This option does not help anyone.

You could try treatment with a psychiatrist. You could also benefit from a therapist; yet, you seem to have ruled that out.

Feel free to post in the Depression Forum. I post there, as do many others.

I hope you decide to live, at least today!


WC

[BrokenDamaged]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I am very sorry for all you are going through. Sounds overwhelming!

Is there anything other than suicide?

You could make a commitment to living, at least a day-to-day commitment, as in One Day at a Time. That's what I do. I have been struggling with depression for many years.

My dad took his own life, which was tragic. Most people never forgave him for this. It was very painful to everyone around him. This option does not help anyone.

WC

Thank you for replying. This is sort of what I am doing now... But it is painful.

And sorry to hear about your father. I cannot imagine... However, if I had children or TRULY someone who loves and needs me, I do not think I could bring myself to suicide. I have this overwhelming feeling that the world would be better off without me, and I would FINALLY be at peace. I do have a younger sister who cares, but she is strong.

[cool09]

Are you seeing a psychiatrist?

[MickeyCheeky]

No need to feel ashamed for seeing a therapist - it just means you're asking for help, and that you want to improve. It's a positive thing.

I'd suggest to give it a try.

[mote.of.soul]

Just keep hanging in there and keep going, not giving in, until slowly but surely the awfulness begins to shift. And it will. You don't need to prove anything to anyone but just make it a challenge to beat the depression. Outwit it. You can do it BrokenDamage, you can do it.

[BrokenDamaged]

Originally Posted by cool09

Are you seeing a psychiatrist?

I am not. Never been much of a talker or not one to discuss my issues, sorry... Just trying to cope or beat it myself somehow, if possible.

[bill1231]

Originally Posted by BrokenDamaged

I am not. Never been much of a talker or not one to discuss my issues, sorry... Just trying to cope or beat it myself somehow, if possible.

Sometimes it really helps to talk things through.

[Fuzzybear]

Nobody, in my opinion, should have to put up with this without support

If “society” says people “should have to cope” with no support, then society is a ****...

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by BrokenDamaged

I am not. Never been much of a talker or not one to discuss my issues, sorry... Just trying to cope or beat it myself somehow, if possible.

It is often through the 'talking' and 'discussing' that you allow yourself to consciously access and connect with your deepest emotions - and it is allowing yourself to connect with and experience those sensitive emotions that facilitates the healing process. Others can help to 'stir up' mental & emotional energy within us that we otherwise wouldn't have accessed or conjurred up ourselves (because it's painful & uncomfortable).

Regarding your anxiety - have you researched hemp/cbd oil? If not, you should. Legal to order/purchase, anti-anxiety properties, minimal to no side effects, has other health benefits, etc....

I can really relate to elements of what you shared because I had a history of living with crippling depression, no self-worth, finding no joy/reward in life, and basically having wanted to be dead (no longer having this life experience).. Well it was a rollercoaster of a ride but I went through 'hell' and back and ended up completely healing myself. My state of being is entirely different now. I had to go through the darkness to find the LIGHT... It was all worth it and I wouldn't seek to change anything about my past now... It is for this reason and from this life experience that I see the LIGHT waiting for you at the end of the dark tunnel. You have to keep pushing yourself and keep going in order to reach it for yourself. I never imagined I was going to experience the healing and transformation that I did - but it happened! And I am no exception...