[orangyred]

I think I'm smothering my husband. I don't mean too. I'm just so lonely. But when I want to do something/anything with him recently he gets this look. This tired look. He tells me he likes doing things with me and doesn't complain out right. It's just the look.

Today I wanted to go grocery shopping with him. I only said that I wanted to go shopping. He asked if I would be doing it on the way home. I told him I wanted him to go with me. He got the same tired look.

Later on I said I'd go by myself after work. It was via text so no idea if there was relief on his face or not, but probably was.

I'm trying not to smother him, but I am quite lonely. He's the only one that puts up with me.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by orangyred

I think I'm smothering my husband. I don't mean too. I'm just so lonely. But when I want to do something/anything with him recently he gets this look. This tired look. He tells me he likes doing things with me and doesn't complain out right. It's just the look.

Today I wanted to go grocery shopping with him. I only said that I wanted to go shopping. He asked if I would be doing it on the way home. I told him I wanted him to go with me. He got the same tired look.

Later on I said I'd go by myself after work. It was via text so no idea if there was relief on his face or not, but probably was.

I'm trying not to smother him, but I am quite lonely. He's the only one that puts up with me.

How long have you been married?

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you're having this experience with your hubby. I'm a hubby... & I have a tendency to do what your husband does. I'm aware that I do it & I do try to guard against it. But sometimes it does slip through anyway. I don't know how old your husband is. That may be relevant here. Or perhaps he's just tired. Not knowing more about the circumstances, there's not much else I think I could say.

I do think this is something it would be good for the two of you to talk through. If you each understood where the other is coming from, & could work out some "ground rules" for handling these sorts of situations, perhaps hurt feelings & frustration could be avoided. But I know how it can sometimes be though. My wife & I aren't the best at talking these sorts of things through either. My best wishes to you both...

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

I'm sorry you're having this experience with your hubby. I'm a hubby... & I have a tendency to do what your husband does. I'm aware that I do it & I do try to guard against it. But sometimes it does slip through anyway. I don't know how old your husband is. That may be relevant here. Or perhaps he's just tired. Not knowing more about the circumstances, there's not much else I think I could say.

I do think this is something it would be good for the two of you to talk through. If you each understood where the other is coming from, & could work out some "ground rules" for handling these sorts of situations, perhaps hurt feelings & frustration could be avoided. But I know how it can sometimes be though. My wife & I aren't the best at talking these sorts of things through either. My best wishes to you both...

We have been married for 25 years, and my H is also like this, but earlier in our marriage he wasn't this way. That was why I asked how long they were married. And I have several married friends that have this same issue. I think it is just a man thing?

[orangyred]

We've been married 18 years now. He will be 54 in a couple months. He has been working a lot the last few years with a really crappy schedule. I guess I thought it would be better since he's doing more of a 40 hour week instead of a 70 hour now.

Trying to be understanding, but not always succeeding. I get so little time with him and I think I run him too much when I do get time to spend with him.

[MickeyCheeky]

I understand why you'd feel guilty, but it's not your fault. Perhaps try to discuss this with him? Ask him to be honest and see what you can do. It might only be your imagination, as well.

[Thunder Bow]

I think you would feel lonely around his kind of reactions to your requests. His tired look means he is not interested, and wants to stay withdrawn. He may be feeling depressed. Do not take this personally.

[orangyred]

thanks, all

[hprodf]

I think it might help to try and understand why both of you feel the way you do. You feel lonely, but he doesn't respond well with spending time together. I'd assume in both cases there's something that's lacking to make you both feel this way. In your case, I think you need to understand why you feel lonely. You say he's the only one who puts up with you, which suggests you're having issues with other people in your life?

In his case, it may come down to the stress of work and possibly feeling exhausted and therefore desperately seeking space as often as he can.

The first step in my mind is to try and come to terms and confront your individual issues first, after which you can re-evaluate your marriage and see whether things have improved or whether the relationship needs work to bring back a spark.

This is when I started working on several of my own interests and hobbies and doing a little volunteer work. It helped me a lot. Now when he goes to the grocery store with me and whatnot, it’s because he wants to. Otherwise I just leave him at home.

[*Laurie*]

I've been married for 35 years. From Day #1 my husband never wanted to do anything or go anywhere except to yard sales and an occasional movie (never to dinner before the movie, though). Wow

We had two children and while we were raising them they were my company. I was very involved as a mom and my kids and I had great times together. I was also close to my own mom...she and I would take my children places and it was great. My husband's attitude was hurtful, but I put it on the back burner.

But, my resentment simmered. We had had a great sex life, but I began to feel very resentful that the only thing he seemed to want me for was to fix meals, clean the house, do his laundry, and have sex. Our sex life started suffering badly.

Before I knew it the kids were teens and had their own things going on. They were extremely involved with school and social activities, very normal. My mom died. I felt so alone. I spoke with my husband about it many times.We went to marriage counseling. Nothing worked, nothing changed. Well, that is - I worked to make changes; my husband didn't do a damned thing.

Pretty soon I met a man and was very charmed by him. One night he kissed me. We started having an affair. For the first time in my adult life I was with a man who gave me very positive attention, and lots of it. We traveled. We were extremely attracted to each other; it was palpable. My husband didn't even seem to notice. Or maybe he did, but felt guilty for being a lousy husband (he was). My affair with the man lasted for 3 years...some things changed geographically....the relationship had to end.
My husband was the same....no different than ever.

Not 3 months later I met another man. This time the man was absolutely amazing to me. He loved me, he cared about me, he protected me, he cherished me. I felt adored. My kids had gone to college and all I had besides a part-time job was time. This man and I had SO much fun together, everything we did was joyful.

One day, I had had enough of my husband. I had so lost respect for him and felt such bitterness toward him that I could hardly be in a room with him. He and I agreed to split up. He moved out, my boyfriend moved in.
And everything went to hell. Once the reality of paying bills and all the daily grind stuff happened, my bf and I began arguing and so on. I began to realize that divorcing my husband was not a good idea for security reasons. Plus, my husband and I had remained good friends - especially once we had space from each other.

Boyfriend and I ended up being together for 12 years. When it ended, the end was a disaster. Really, really bad.

I moved to the town in which my husband was living, although we both knew that living together was not a good idea. So I have my own nice little apartment that I share with my precious cat family. My husband and I are best friends. If I want to do something fun I either do it alone or with my daughter (now a married woman).

I grieve for the days when I had a man in my life to have fun with, a man who adored me, I adored him, and so on. But. It is what it is. I love my apartment and honestly, I don't mind living alone at all, as long as I have my cats with me.

The reason I'm telling you this story is because.....eventually, when one partner is not ever getting her/his needs met and feels abandoned and terribly lonely, that person is ripe for meeting and seeing someone who will provide some attention and joy. Unfortunately, those types of situations very, very seldom end well. A whole lot of people get hurt, badly.

From what you've written, I am concluding that you are in a pretty desperate situation in your marriage. Have you had a conversation with your husband about how you feel, how alone you feel? Do you have children? Do you ever feel like just getting in the car and driving until you find a place where life looks more sparkly?

Will your husband agree to therapy and marriage counseling? Because I'll be honest: Your marriage needs it.
I wish you the very best. You deserve it. You probably don't believe me, but you do deserve the best.

[WasabiAlmonds]

If you're lonely, try getting some friends to see if that "fixes" the relationship before getting help.

It's possible you're relying on your husband too much emotionally and that "look" of his signifies it.

Of maybe you're fun and the problem is his.

A good way to figure this out is to be more social yourself and see how that influences everything.