[csa072112]

As a child my mother struggled to take care of me on her own after my father walked out when I was 3. She made some poor choices, we bounced around a lot and I spent most of my time with my grandparents, but she worked hard to make sure she could support us. When I was 7 she had my sister thanks to drunken one-night stand. Shortly after she developed a pretty heavy drinking problem.
At the age of 8 I was taking care of my 1-year old sister while my mother was at the bar after work almost every day. Over the years the drinking grew worse and with it came a temper which lead to abuse. I raised my sister, took care of her and the home and our mother was never around.
With the weight of everything on my shoulders I was bound to make some poor choices myself and of course I ended up dating the bad boy in the trailer park, (yes, trailer park) and I’m sure you can guess where that lead to. If you guessed 17 and pregnant you would be correct! My mom’s reaction was very supportive,

Possible trigger:

it started with her left fist, and ended with her right after a few swings and screaming.

I had to leave and move in with the boyfriend and his mom.
And that is a whole different story for another time. The point is, from 8-present I’ve never had the chance to figure out who I am alone. Now married with 2 kids, I’ve always had to put others before me and make sacrifices for others. It’s always been about what makes someone else happy. Which I’m not complaining about by any means. I’m just realizing I don’t know who I am entirely.
Does anyone else feel that way? Or am I just missing something?

[CatLover007]

Oh, Hun.... Even when teenagers/children/humans make a few mistakes, they should never have to endure someone hitting them.

As for feeling lost, you might be experiencing some grade A parentification. (See here: Family Boundaries and the Parentified Child - Mental Help Net) Parentified children often feel at a loss as to who they are beyond the role of caring for others, since they missed out on a normal childhood and grew up too quickly.

I hope that helps. Coming from someone who raised her younger siblings, I definitely have felt lost and like I'm missing pieces to myself.

I had a similar loss of childhood. I think that's what you are realizing right now. Childhood is supposed to be a time to explore yourself...yourself. But you were busy taking care of others. So you kind of skipped that stage of life. I didn't really understand who I was until I was in my mid-twenties, because my childhood was spent in fear, anxiety and dysfunction living with very messed up parents and siblings. There are ways to have little things for yourself, part of it is exploring things you might enjoy. Most recently I bought pencil crayons and a drawing pad and pencil sharpener. I began drawing cats and flowers, from my own head, not from a model. I'm not an artist, I just do it because it takes my mind off my troubles. It cost $20 to get the supplies. I'm not suggesting you do what I just described, but there may be an affordable way to explore something that "might" interest you and be something that's just for you. I'd suggest though, that you do it when the kids aren't awake, as they will probably take that "special" time away from you. It's really about exploring and you could do it by watching how-to videos on youtube and see if anything peaks your interest. The bottom line is: there's a reason you may be unsure of who you are. And you didn't cause it.

[triple_zzz]

Sometimes I feel this way and I also have 2 kids (7 and 8). I did not have the childhood and responsibility you did, and I commend you for it. You stepped up as a kid and did what parents need to do, bravo on you. I hope you and your sister are still close.
You are NEVER too old to figure out who you are. There is so much in life to do and experience. I've enjoyed life but after my brother died last year, who had severe PTSD and couldn't be around more than a few people at a time, I decided I would live my life for him and myself. I never pass up a concert. ALL my friends, family and colleagues know me as the music festival / concert goer. Music has helped me through all my trauma, pain and grief. So my favorite thing to do is see it live. I used to video call my brother, or send pictures and video while I was front and center. My husband and I are currently separating and I never felt like I lived my life like I wanted. It was never ever what I thought I deserved or what I expected, so I think I held resentment toward my seriously amazing and perfect husband. Due to my trauma I never felt good enough for him and that contributed a lot to our marrietal issues. Anyway, I've always wanted to see the world, it was my biggest desire forever. I'm getting my passport and going after my divorce. I haven't fully figured out who I am, at 32, but the fun part is, figuring it out as you go. We constantly grow and learn and develop and evolve. I'm not the person today I was in high school, nor will I ever be. I'm not the person I am today after all my experiences and repressed memories surfaced, I'm forever altered.
It's up to you to be happy in the moment and develop goals and then achieve them. I recently started drawing and learning the piano. I've always wanted to!
Jump in, head frickin first and be who you think you should be and be what you feel you deserve.
No one will hold your hand or guide you. IT'S UP TO YOU. Get it girl, you're obviously super strong, so instead of being strong for others, take a week and be strong for you. Good luck!