Another meltdown...will it ever stop??

I went to an NA meeting (12-step fellowship) tonight. I always enjoyed them so uch, but I've been away for a few years, due to illness and now I'm trying to reconnect. A lot of my old friends are still, but a lot of he face shave changed too. Well, I cried the whole time and worked myself up into a full-blown panic attack. My chest was hurting so bad and I felt like I couldn't breathe, which scared me and made it even worse. Fortunately, my good friend that's an EMT sat with me and helped me through it. He's an amazing person. I was so embarrassing, though. I have no control over my emotions right now, and it seems like every time I turn around, there's a crisis. I want it to be over. I keep begging God to take it away, but I guess He thinks it's not time yet. I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind and I so want to do something self-destructive to numb the pain, even if it's only temporary. Don't worry,I promise, I'm not suicidal, but there are alot of harmful things I can and want to do...but honestly, in this point in my life, they aren't really options anymore. Someone please help me. Thanks for letting me rant like a cray person. - Mary / PaintedTirtle

Oh my goodness how awful Mary :-( But super well done for going to the meeting regardless, I'm proud of you!

I wonder if a psychiatrist or psychologist/therapist can work with you to find ways of getting around these panic attacks? I went on meds to help with my panic attacks and, yeah, it helped lessen them somewhat.

Don't lose hope please - where there's a will, there's a way.

I have been medicated for Bi-Polar I for almost 20 years, but after my eart surgery in /july, my cardiologist took me off my /clozaril because he found out that could have caused my heart damage. I decided to wait until I recovered from the surgery to get back on meds. I thought I'd be fine. REaslly. really dumb ides. So in the lst four months I've had the worst episode/cycle of my life. At first I was manic and in denial because it felt so good to have all that energy afterr being sick and exhausted for so long, but I was only sleeping maybe 2 hours a night so eventually the psychosis came. Then, of course, I sought help,but the clinic I go to is state funded and they have more clients than they cn handle so it took forever to get in to see a doctor. I finally saw her last thursday and was told that my medical team had to meet to try to figure out what treatment will be safe and effective, given my medical conditions, heart disease, type II diabetes and na Ulcer. So it will be some time this week before I know what, if anything, thtey can do to help me. I'm terrified. My mind says, "what if they can't find something to help me?" The truth is I don't think I will survive if they can't do something to control it, and I honestly fear the idea of an institution. I know, I'm getting way ahead of myself, but I think fear and projection go hand in had. Anyway, so for now I'm on a very low dose of clonopin 3 times a day and it did calm me down enough to stop the really craziness. I don't want to take more because I am a recovering addict 918 years clean ) and benzos were one off my drugs of choice. It's just too familiar, Anyway, I've gone on long enough. Thank your response. This web-site has really helped me stay grounded, even if I do feel like I'm losing my mind. When this is all worked out, maybe I can stay and help others. Nothing would make me happier, - Mary / PaintedTurtle

((((paintedturtle)))) I'm sorry you're struggling so badly. Please don't give up.