What is loneliness?

Pygmalion · Jul 22, 2019, 01:00 PM

Let me try a different approach - if I try to describe what I feel, others can try to correctly label the emotion for me.

I enjoy, at least at times, talking to people about topics that interest me. When talking I want people to enjoy my company, and I want to enjoy theirs. I want us to be pleasant and polite towards each other and give each other lots of praise and compliments and make each other laugh. Then I want us to both go home and not think about each other and get on with our own lives until we decide to meet up again. If I need practical assistance I want people to do things for me, and in order to make this fair, even though I don't want to, I'll do things for them.

Is this loneliness or boredom?

-jimi- · Jul 23, 2019, 04:44 PM

I think the majority of people have a strong urge to connect. Many like a little own time, just not too much, because then they start feeling disconnected. And this happens even in people who don't have autophobia but can be happy alone.

The disconnect hurts, no matter what causes it. It can be distance. You are far away from people you feel connected to, but you can't communicate with them. Or you can be with people, but you feel something is missing, like they are bonding and you fail to feel the bond, either because they exclude you (maybe not even on purpose), or they try to include you but you fail to bond for some reason, maybe it is your nature or the situation and mood is wrong for you. It might happen if the group is happy and you are sad. Then you lose the connection because you're not on the same wavelength.

It took me ages to understand loneliness, it's just this last year I'm getting a real idea of what it is. Because I am used to the state of disconnect. It is my natural, so of course it doesn't cause me pain. I can connect, but it takes a long time before I establish a bond. Still, I like company but I need time not being connected, being alone.

The thing that finally cued me into what loneliness was was its cousin missing. I lost a few friends, they died actually, and them never ever coming back caused me not just to mourn but to miss. I missed them dearly in my life.

Loneliness is usually not over one particular person. Missing is. But I managed to transfer one emotion into the other. I'm still more into being alone because I wish to meet certain people than I am alone in general. But it is still something.

TheUrOther · Jul 28, 2019, 04:30 PM

Loneliness is knowing that people will never connect with you out of their own free will and will always strive to weaken, cripple, and even kill you - because the cruelty is the point.

*Beth* · Jul 28, 2019, 06:58 PM

Interesting thread, for sure. I've also been wondering about loneliness lately.

To me, boredom is something entirely different than anything else. In general, boredom is it's own entity.

In my mind the three ways of being alone are loneliness, isolation, and solitude.

Loneliness feels sad. It's the feeling of wanting to do something with someone else, or go somewhere and have a nice time, or even wish you had someone to do routine stuff with you, or to be there with you through something frightening or painful. But there's no one there. No one to do anything with. You're alone because there's no other option. Maybe you haven't asked - or maybe you were turned down.

Loneliness feels like a heaviness in my chest, heart, shoulders.

Isolation is more about choice than loneliness is. For me, I'm isolating when I'm invited to do something with a friend or family member, or there's a class I could take, or a group I could go to, but I'm just not feeling it. I feel like I want to be left alone, not bothered, it's just too hard to put myself in the position of going anywhere, doing something away from home, being with people.

If I'm in a really bad place mentally I isolate because I'm afraid of leaving my home. Afraid it will catch fire or someone will break in, or one of my cats will get hurt or sick while I'm away. The anxiety is just too much to bear. Isolation makes me want to roll up in bed and cry...and just be asleep so I don't have to face life.

Solitude, though - solitude is a positive thing. It's a feeling of being friends with myself, maybe doing something creative, being in nature by myself, reading a book I'm enjoying. Solitude is productive and healthy.

Pygmalion · Jul 29, 2019, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Loneliness feels sad. It's the feeling of wanting to do something with someone else, or go somewhere and have a nice time

How is this different to boredom?

divine1966 · Jul 29, 2019, 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pygmalion

How is this different to boredom?

Why are you comparing boredom and loneliness? It’s kind of like apples and oranges.

Boredom isn’t sad. Being bored is sitting at a staff meeting having to listen to some irrelevant presentation and not being allowed to leave. It’s not sad, just annoying.

Loneliness is a sad feeling. Example of loneliness is losing one’s spouse and being in empty house longing for his presence (I’ve never lost a spouse but my daughter is a widow and I remember first year after my son in law she used to say she felt loneliness, snd certainly wasn’t bored or isolated, she is a social butterfly)

Pygmalion · Jul 30, 2019, 03:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Why are you comparing boredom and loneliness? It’s kind of like apples and oranges.

Boredom isn’t sad. Being bored is sitting at a staff meeting having to listen to some irrelevant presentation and not being allowed to leave. It’s not sad, just annoying.

Loneliness is a sad feeling. Example of loneliness is losing one’s spouse and being in empty house longing for his presence (I’ve never lost a spouse but my daughter is a widow and I remember first year after my son in law she used to say she felt loneliness, snd certainly wasn’t bored or isolated, she is a social butterfly)

I'm comparing them because I can't see the difference either in myself or in how most people describe the feelings.

For example, I get bored a lot. It makes me sad and irritated. I want to talk with nice people about interesting things, share jokes and compliments, play games. I find engaging with people like that for a bit fun. Many would tell me wanting to be with people socially like that is loneliness, but if so it seems that loneliness is just another word for 'boredom that can be alleviated with people', and nothing more.

divine1966 · Jul 30, 2019, 07:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pygmalion

I'm comparing them because I can't see the difference either in myself or in how most people describe the feelings.

For example, I get bored a lot. It makes me sad and irritated. I want to talk with nice people about interesting things, share jokes and compliments, play games. I find engaging with people like that for a bit fun. Many would tell me wanting to be with people socially like that is loneliness, but if so it seems that loneliness is just another word for 'boredom that can be alleviated with people', and nothing more.

I don’t see how these two things are related.

I am almost never bored but if I am, it’s irritating but in no way sad. Being bored for me is having nothing interesting and productive at the moment and not being able to fix it such as sitting in a staff meeting and not able to leave. Boredom is easy to fix as soon as you are free to do so.

Loneliness isn’t as easy to fix. Loneliness is missing people, particular people or in general longing for people and it could be sad.

My mother passed away in February. My dad is very lonely as they’ve been married 54 years. Nothing elevates his loneliness at the moment and it’s nothing to do with isolation as he isn’t isolated plus he certainly isn’t bored.

On the other note if you are longing for peoples company why don’t you have friends or seek peoples company? At some point you even mentioned not liking people? Someone who craves company surely would enjoy other people?

Pygmalion · Jul 30, 2019, 03:02 PM

I don't have friends because of a number of unfortunate life circumstances combined with my bad personality. Mostly, I live in a very isolated rural location and work 12+ hours a day, lol.

I try and seek company, but it's very hard ... And I put many people off being so weird, and most people bore me by being annoying anyway.

I don't like people, but I like the fun of interaction. People entertain me.

divine1966 · 06:46 PM

I still think you are suffering from something that medical professional could help with, so far everything you describe at the very least are symptoms of depression.

In the long run it doesn’t matter what’s definition of boredom and how it’s differing from loneliness. What matters is that you are unhappy and are suffering. You are trying to justify your pain by claiming that everyone else is also bored lonely unsatisfied unfulfilled and hate their bodies. It’s not the case. But even if it was, what does it matter?

You don’t want to seek help but want anonymous strangers on the Internet define things for you. How does it help? How could our definitions help you to feel better? Is it just venting or you want help? I am not sure how many more definitions could we provide?

Living in the rural area and working a lot or not being a billionaire in no way explains your suffering.

Pygmalion · Jul 31, 2019, 04:55 AM

If most are like me, then it matters because it's a normal part of the human condition and not something to be, or can be, treated.

I want anonymous strangers to engage with me in abstract discussion because I find such talk interesting. The talk itself is the fun thing. It's not about anything else beyond. It just intrigues me that there doesn't seem to be a definition of loneliness that doesn't just boil down to boredom, IMHO.

divine1966 · Jul 31, 2019, 07:21 AM

people suffering from depression aren’t necessarily sad all the time. Lack of interest in anything and not enjoying life is one of the other sings. I think you can see from this forum that, no, majority of people aren’t always miserable. So I’d take that concept out of equation and focus on your own suffering and roots of it

divine1966 · Jul 31, 2019, 07:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pygmalion

I'm unable to see the picture/link on my screen.

I came to this forum as it came up on when I was doing a search of sexality fora to participate in, as that's what I originally wanted to find - mostly to just chat with people with odd sexualities like myself. I didn't come here with the intention of receiving mental health help. But the sexuality sections here are pretty dead, tbh, so I wander about looking for interesting conversations to engage in.

I honestly don't think I'm depressed. I'm at the happiest I've been for many years, but that might not be saying such since I admit that for most of life I've hated life. But I certainly don't mind talking honestly about myself, and I enjoy talking about myself because I'm likely quite vain. And it happens to be true that I am really bored all the time and have been for a long while. If that counts as depression then depression means something I didn't expect, but it doesn't matter if people want to tell me I'm depressed, I just disagree with them. Eitherway, nothing changes ... I'm still bored, lol

Edit:
Just figured out how to use the show button, lol. Yes, that me, being very drunk and hyperbolic, but still fairly accurate. I go through moods certainly. But I don't think I'm depressed though, because I don't feel 'sad' all the time. Mostly, I feel frustrated, or bored, or angry, or in physical pain, or disgusted. But not sad or depressed.

This is the original thread on the asexuality forum where I posted that, if anyone's interested in the whole context and exchange:
LGB are always the worst - Get it off your chest. - Asexual Me

Further edit:
I'm guessing I know you from other forums I've been in. What is your username elsewhere? I take it you are Dark Lee? Perhaps Telecaster from AVEN?

I don’t know if it’s within guidelines to post links to other forums but if it’s it should maybe go to sexuality issues subforum.. Not here.

Pygmalion · 02:17 PM

I'm not convinced that this forum provides enough evidence to overturn my life experience and many thousands of people known, both Irl and online, regarding most people being somewhat miserable. I'm happy to accept that plenty aren't, at any one time, all that miserable.

It's interesting that depression might be something other than what I though it was, though. So, if I'm bored most of the time, but not actually feeling very sad or depressed, that is still depression? How is depression then different to boredom? And can such depression simply be cured by having lots to do, then?

divine1966 · Jul 31, 2019, 09:02 AM

I don’t think we can or should diagnose people online, we can just suggest some ideas that many of us already did. To obtain diagnosis and proper treatment, you’d have to see a medical professional irl.

Pygmalion · Jul 31, 2019, 09:29 AM

Of coursr. Im not seeking a diagnosis, and i dont require or desire treatment for anyyhing.

But i am interested in what, if anything, is the diffrfence between loneliness and boredom.

atisketatasket · Jul 31, 2019, 01:13 PM

This thread is being closed while the community support team discusses it.

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