Feeling evil when happy

Around my early twenties (I'm 29 now) I discovered I had a great deal of control over my emotions. During the time I was (and still am) experience a moderate stress about my studies (I was performing worse than others, while working harder or equally hard, but I was under no financial stress). But just by straightening my back and breething in deeply I could feel happy / elated and the stress would go away.
From the ages 26 to 27 I went to another city to continue my studies, and those failed horribly. I also fell into social isolation, and lied to my family about my wellbeing and study progress. I'm fairly confident that I was clinically depressed, although I didn't seek help or get myself daignosed (Cause who'd do that when they're depressed). I seriously considerated (I was making plans for it) suicide during this period.
Things went a lot better when I moved back to Amsterdam and took my studies in another direction (Now I'm studying to become a physics highschool teacher, a prospect I'm very excited about). I firmly decided never to commit suicide, and I feel confident that I'll stick to that. Even though I still experience the urge from time to time.
My studies still give me a fair amount of stress, and I wouldn't be able to deal with it without the help of my elder sister (love her to bits), and the fact that I'm close to finishing them.
I'm going to seek professional help when I'm done with my studies and have a stable job. I'm stalling for a bit, cause I don't really want to confront all my inner demons and all. But I also honestly think that it'll be good to start treatment when I'm done with the nightmare that's my studies. I want to be able to seperate my own issues, with the crap my studies are giving me.

Now back to the controling my emotions skill. I've been down quiet a lot lately, and need to use the skill to get out of that. It still works (albeit with reduced efficiency), but aside from feeling elated, I also feel evil. I know that's irrational, I'm not hurting anyone nor do I have the desire to. But I do feel like I could hurt people when I do that and not feel any remorse for it. I think I feel like the insane evil villains from bad movies. I don't think this is my biggest psychological concern, but it's the only one I really don't understand.

I'm hoping to find people to talk to my issues here until I seek professional help. I've got loving caring family that would want to know all of this. But they're dealing with their own concerns, and I don't want to open up like this to them either. I also got a good friend who'd listen to all of this, and has shared his own issues with anxiety, and I've confided in him with others things I've dealt/struggled with. And I just decided that I should talk with him about this as well. Don't know if I will, but I should.

I wasn't certain if I should have given a trigger warning for the suiciadal desires, I appologize if I've upset anyone. I'm new to the site and don't know the ettiquete around here just yet.

Hello Woody: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. Since this is your first post... welcome to Psych Central.

You wrote you're hoping to find people here to talk to about your issues until you seek professional help. Things tend to move pretty quickly here on PC. Based on my own experience, I have found it can take a while to become known. However the more you post your own threads, but also the more you reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become.

There are also opportunities to chat with other members in real time. (I think you may need to have 5 posts reviewed & approved by admin before you can chat.) Chat is something that, I believe, is being worked on at the moment. I don't know where that process is at, at the moment. I personally don't chat. So I'm less familiar with that function. However, under any circumstances, there is a lot of support that can be available here on PC. It's simply a matter of being as active a member as your schedule allows.

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

You've come to the right place, @Woody5000! You'll find PLENTY of people to support you here. You've said that you're going to see a therapist and that's good. Although perhaps you may want to see one right away instead of waiting? Either way, I respect your decision as sure you have your own reasons to do that! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you have a True Friend who is going to listen to you as well! Having a support system IRL is REALLY important. Please take good care of yourself. I also don't think that being able to control your emotions is is ANY WAY related to you being Evil, but I guess a Professional will be able to guide you through that. Please keep posting if you wish to and feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need that! I'm sure PLENTY of others will help you out as well! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING! YOU'RE AWESOME AND YOU MATTER! THAT'S A PROMISE AND THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS ABSOLUTELY THE TRUTH!