I just need to talk

Some things today were difficult and triggered shame and frustration in me.

I had to get my car tires replaced. It was expensive and I wasn't expecting to have to do it this weekend. My mom left me a check in case something did happen to my car this weekend, bc we knew the tires were bad, and my parents were going out of town.

I'm glad she left the check. I had to use it. But I also feel very embarrassed that I'm an adult and my parents help me out. I'm also frustrated that I do not have any money. I don't have a job, and I'm disabled at this time. It was also SO expensive. Probably because of where I went. But at least I have good tires now.

I also have no idea what the **** I'm going to do with my life. I'm doing well mental health wise, but today I feel my lack of direction holds me back.

Someone suggested I take classes to become a peer specialist through a free online program where I live. I think its a GREAT idea. I don't have a computer of my own though, and I'd have to go to the library, which is not a bad idea, I've done it before, but there's also something about...I think I don't have motivation. I also just really want to do it at home. Not at my parents or the library where there are distractions.

I felt really down earlier. Now after drinking some frozen coffee (haha) I feel a little better. I don't know if its good to rely on caffeine for mood or not. I just started and I like it though.

I will be searching for a job later this year, early next year. Right now its more important to me to build my resume and get more serious about showing up and committing to my volunteer commitments.

@WovenGalaxy,

I am also an adult on SSDI, and my father helps me out in a lot of ways. I know that it feels strange at times, but I have come to accept that it is not my fault that I am disabled, I should be grateful to my dad for his help, and I do not care what anyone else thinks. But it took me a long time to get there.

I know what you mean about motivation. I struggle with it all the time. Many of us do. One thing I do is to try to do things in small, bite-sized pieces. Just a thought.

I am glad you are feeling a bit better. I am also glad to hear that you will be pkanning to go back to work soon. Good for you! Step by step, you will get there!

Hi QuietTulip,

What you said about self acceptance and not caring what anyone else thinks, and gratitude, inspired me.

Small steps / pieces are good.

That's for your support.

And you're right. I didn't choose to be disabled. I didn't choose any if the issues I have. That's empowering too.

I had an excellent job and quite a good salary when I got sick. A family, too. That was 15 years ago. Now, I live off a tiny fraction of what I used to make. I have lost virtually everything and virtually everyone to this illness. My dad, however, has stood by my side, maybe not literally, but in other ways and he has helped me enormously. I'm a middle-aged man. But I needed help. So grateful he could provide it.

Almost everyone gets sick at some point in their lifetime. We just often do that earlier in life and our illnesses are invisible and incurable. There is no blood test for bipolar disorder--yet. You are dealing with way, way more than the average person your age. It's unfair to compare yourself to them. As I was saying in a related post the other day, when I was healthy, my goal might have been to develop a cool new product and travel to wherever cool place to help release it. Now, today, my goal is to sleep tonight. That's it. I'll have more goals tomorrow. But for now, that's it. I'd like to sleep. That would be awesome.

Remember who you are now. Remember what you have had to do to get where you are. Be proud of what you've accomplished. And everything will fall into place.

Beautifully said, bpcyclist. Thank you for your candor, support, and encouragement.

When I read your post it warmed my heart hearing your parents left you a check incase something happens, that is really sweet and awwww it must feel good to know they care about and you are safe with new tires.