Feeling sad and isolating myself

They say when you’re having a hard time not to isolate yourself. I feel that’s what I’ve been doing. I’m not sure why. I feel like when I reach out nobody notices me but I’m not sure if that’s just sadness and anxiety skewing my reality.

It’s been one thing after another these past several months. More bad news today... just when I was starting to feel stronger again... I am trying to remain positive.

Sometimes life just kind of beats you down. Most of it is out of my control. Serious issues with the kids, my job. Why is it that friends don’t seem to be around when you need them most? Have I pushed them away? I thought I was there for them when they needed me but as soon as my life started falling apart I felt invisible.

I don’t want to pull away from PC. This place has been a great source of support. Thank you for listening.

Yes, it's hard to know how real our responses are at times like that.

I'm really sorry things are tough.

Perhaps you are seeing things clearly, regarding your friends being less attentive than you hoped. But it might not necessarily be as negative as it appears.

When I was in a different country earlier this year, I felt as though the local people were behaving oddly towards me. Travelling is challenging! Towards the end, I was able to see that the people there were just being themselves. It was a town that spoke little English, and the locals just had different mannerisms and so on.

So, I was right. But there were other factors and I shouldn't have taken it personally.

Hard to say, when one's in a sensitised state.

Take care.

Youre so lovely and interesting, I can't imagine that your friends are deliberately letting you down.

Keep asking clearly for what you need.

A friend won't mind.

Hang in there. I really believe that things will get better.

I push away and isolate when stressed at times.
Think people can read my mind.
Hugs. You’re not as alone as you feel at times.

That has to be hard when you're there for your friends but they won't reciprocate when you need their emotional support. Sadness and anxiety can definitely distort reality. The cognitive effects of isolation on the brain can lead to trouble thinking clearly, processing your thoughts, making decisions, and trying to remember something.

Best thing to do when you feel overwhelmed is to reach out whether it's here or in real life to anyone you trust. In the past 6 months, when I've been uber stressed and rejected and shunned by my sister and other family members whom I went to for support, it's the members here at PC who've kept me from isolating. Thank god for PC.

Just keep posting. Go outside for a walk. Take a bath. Journal. Call someone who you know will answer your call. You are not alone. The PC community is here for you. They're here for everyone who needs support.

Sending hugs your way, LilyMop.

Thank you for those kind words. I do agree that my perception has been distorted. I’ve wondered whether I’m trusting the wrong people or whether there’s just more to the story than I realize, like you said, and it has nothing to do with me. I did have one person say to me recently that I always have everything “together” in my life which is not at all how I feel. Yes, I am in a very sensitized state and things are not all adding up for me at the moment.

Thank you

Thank you. I’m glad I did reach out and make this post. I was building some serious anxiety the more I was isolating myself. I thought I was doing better but I don’t trust any of my thoughts at this point.

Why can’t they just read our minds? That would be easier right? I can’t read anyone else’s mind either though. I’m sure others have felt alone and I had no idea about it. Thank you for the support.

We are here for you- things will get better.

It is hard when we are alone! Keep trying to reach out to other people. It is already REALLY GOOD that you were able to reach out here. Keep doing that. I am so sorry your Friends aren't there for you right now. Perhaps they're just busy? I am not sure. You will get through this. Have Faith. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @LilyMop, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I have no family. It’s just me, my husband and and our pets. That’s probably why I am so sensitive to feeling abandoned by my friends. People tell me to build my own intentional family with my friendships but so far that has not worked out.

I am so sorry you’ve gotten more bad news. Life has sure not been easy lately for you and it is worse when the problems are something you have no control over.

Making friends as an adult can be tough and maintaining friendships can be challenging too sometimes. People are often busy with so many other things - work, family, existing friends.

I have been feeling sort of isolated myself these days since we moved out of the city. It’s me, my husband and pets too. The neighbors I have interacted with here are nice, but our interaction is limited. It is harder to get together with friends that live where we used to live. It takes more of an effort, definitely. At least several are on vacation the next few weeks and I am back to work but only part-time, so we should be able to meet for lunch or something.

Remember that we are here when you want to talk or vent. Don’t pull away from PC. You have support here!

Thank you so much. I know you’ve been through a hard time too.

We have nice neighbors too but you’re right. People are really busy.

I appreciate your kind words and support.

I agree it is challenging building and maintaining friendships in adulthood. Also it's normal in my experience for them to wax and wane.

It's great that you have your husband and your pets! But yeah I get sometimes it's good to have people outside of family to be with.

What would you most like from your friends right now? Would you like to have someone listen to your problems or would you prefer distraction and just having some fun to take your mind off things?

Hello Lily Mop

That sounds pretty much like me. Well, at least you have a spouse. I don't have one and no pets. I live by myself.

I just have one friend and that's it. It's always been difficult for me to make friends. Like the others say, people are pretty busy. Also what I notice is that they seem to be set with what they have going for them for their friends and wouldn't need me.

I live in a very small apartment complex for 55 + and disabled. There are some younger folks also. They are mostly single. I had moved out from a large condo complex last May and moved to where I am now thinking that it's going to be easier for me to make friends. So far it hasn't been better after 8 months.

I just have one friend, as I mentioned earlier. He's 84 years old and has physical limits. It's hard for him to visit me. Plus there are many times that, when we talk on the phone, he gets critical with me. It would upset me so much that I can't sleep at night. I had wanted to split from him but we always end up talking it over. Plus if I lose him, then I've lost everything socially.

Also I have my sister and that's all of the contact I have with my entire family. She lives 3000 miles away. There are no plans for us to get together. I know that I would not like to move to where she is since I lived in that area before and didn't like it.

I have no suggestions. In my situation people so often give me suggestions. I've done it all and nothing worked. So I tire of hearing what I should do. Good luck to you. Perhaps for you and I, something will happen for us.

I just want people to spend time with. I don’t expect anybody to listen to all of my problems. I wish I could meet other people like me who have no family and who understand what it’s like.

That sounds healthy and achievable. You come across really nice on here - I think lots of people would like you in their lives.

Maybe this will be a numbers game a bit like dating? Like sifting through until you find people who are a good fit for you?

I know it isn't as easy said as done when we get older. If you keep open and meeting different people I think that's the best thing. It's what I have done in the past anyhow when looking for friends.

It seems like on here and some of the other on-site places I go to, from what people talk about in their lives, it sounds very much like me. Just like this quote above. One time I had someone on here I had PM'ed with and felt like I had a lot in common. He had been divorced and I never had. That's one thing we didn't have in common. Other than that, we did and I really enjoyed writing to him. But it ended when he decided not to write anymore and had mentioned that he wanted to end it all.

I feel like I'm the only one who does not have a good social life. There are two other guys at where I live who are single and I think that they are older than me. I don't see them that much. One guy is fairly nice but he seems delusional and he always talks about going to parties. I get the feeling that he's just making that up. I've never seen him with anyone. And then there's another guy who doesn't talk much. But when he does he has negative things to say that's upsetting. So that's how it is with me.

They say to reach out to others that you think are lonely. For me I hardly know of anyone that's like that. And if they are, then I'd be too afraid that I might be too intrusive. On the other hand, I think that people know that I am alone and they don't bother to reach out to me. So it's like, "why should I reach out?".

The past 8 years of my life have been especially painful and I have isolated more and more until it's almost to the point at which leaving my apartment is difficult. One of the reasons I've become reclusive is because I have a number of friends in my life who contact me when they need help and support. I'm reliable, and they know it.

Then, too, I have never been good at reaching out to ask friends to be supportive. Deep down, I believe that I'm a burden.


How are you with regard to reaching out for help, LilyMop?

I am like you and I very rarely reach out anymore. I talk to people here on PC a little bit but that’s all. I am usually the reliable one and people come to me when they need something. The other day I invited a new friend to a meditation class. I just now saw on Facebook that she is attending a meditation class some where else with other friends tomorrow. I’m wondering why she didn’t invite me. I told her I was really interested in going to more meditation classes. This happens to me a lot. I had a friend for five years that texted me all the time and I invited her to do things with me all the time. Never once in five years did she invite me to anything or include me with her other friends. We had a falling out and I didn’t care to continue the friendship after that. I can’t figure out why my friendships end up like this and I’m pretty close to just giving up.

@BethRags and @LilyMop I am sorry to read that you both feel like you give more than get from your friends. One-sided friendships are such a pain to deal with.

Thanks, Blanche. I do take some responsibility for the problem...I don't ask for help for fear of annoying people, or of being let down. Then, too, I expect that a friend would be thoughtful enough to occasionally ask (and be sincerely interested in my response).

@BethRags, your experience reminds me of two stories that I believe contributed to my need to accommodate others and be codependent, which is why codependents easily form one-sided friendships with manipulative people. It's a pattern formed in childhood by dysfunctional parents to their children. I don't know the root cause for you and LilyMop, but that's the root cause for my codependent, passive behavior with strong personalities. I shut down, and accommodate selfish people due to self-preservation and terror. Isn't that funny?

When I moved to China to teach at a university, two of my students took me up into the hills my first weekend to meet and visit with the 3 Buddhist monks who lived in a temple behind the university amongst some beautiful cliffs.

One of the monks offered me a turn with a popular Chinese game of Fortune Telling sticks. Inside a wooden canister there are 100 wooden sticks inscribed with fortunes on them. The purpose of the game is to shake the canister full of sticks, concentrate on a wish, then tilt the canister to its side to spill 1-3 fortune inscribed sticks. One of my fortunes was "You need to ask more people for help and stop being stubborn." I thought that was very eerie because it was as true then, as it is for me now.

My siblings and I learned early in life before age 10 that to show any vulnerability with either of our parents, resulted in being criticized and shamed. We were not allowed to ask for help, even when something random happened to us, that harmed us, it was -- in my mother's view especially -- our own fault.

Two childhood incidents of this stand out:

1. A boy who walked to school with us, used dirty words to describe lumps on trees as womens breasts. We were all in 3rd grade. He got in trouble at home and then blamed me as the child who taught him those words. My mother got a phone call from the boy's mother who accused me of teaching her son these dirty words. Instead of asking me what happened, my mother instantly blamed me and shamed me for doing such a thing. Later that week, the boy walked with some neighborhood kids, two of whom whose parents were friends with my parents. Later that week my mother received a call from one of those parents, that this boy pulled the same stunt blaming her son for teaching him the same dirty words. Well, this parent knew her son didn't do it, so she called the school principal who confronted the boy and his parents about it, and the boy confessed that he blamed me and this other boy to avoid being punished. Did my mother ever apologize to me for falsely accusing me? Nope. She never did. The boy's mother apologized to me later at a BBQ and that temporarily made me feel better. But I felt betrayed by my parental figure. I felt vulnerable and weak.

2. In 4th grade, my father accepted a new job. Rather than sit my siblings and I down and explain the upcoming transition in order to shield his children from the emotional upheaval of leaving a comfortable environment and friendships behind, my father put the responsibility on my 10-year old shoulders. He offered to ride me to school near his university one morning, on his child bike seat.

My mother was unusually nice to me that morning, doting on me like she never did normally. Within about 10 minutes on the way to my elementary school, my father, without stopping or turning around to acknowledge my feelings, blurted out with his back to me, "Blanche, I got a new job and we're moving in 2 months. You will have to tell your sister (who was 8) and your brother (who was 6)." This stunned me. We rode in silence the rest of the way to my elementary school. I felt the tears on my cheeks. I cried silently to myself. When we arrived at my elementary school, my father acted indifferent as he unbuckled me, lifted me down to the ground, and rode away with his back to me, on his bike, off to his university teaching job. He just left me standing there, outside my elementary school, alone.

I have other examples, but those two stand out still, as pivotal to what contributed I believe, to me developing codependent coping skills. It's also why I developed one-sided friendships most of my life with people much like the friend LilyMop described. I had a one-sided friendship with a woman who texted me all the time, needing emotional support for her supposed life problems but was conveniently never available for me. She often accused me of being fragile and weak (I think, to manipulate me and keep me under control). I eventually ended that toxic connection but it took years for me to do it.