Healthy Boundaries? Please define?

I think healthy boundaries center around what you do to maintain them. If someone repeatedly crosses them, what you choose to do about it is how healthy boundaries are identified, clarified and kept.

I was just thinking about this when I started to read your post. I was thinking how I can’t seem to DEFEND my boundaries ! Yes , they are set , mostly as has been said already. But my problem is that I let people trample all over my boundaries because I’m weak emotionally. Taken advantage of constantly. Walked all over because I’m a “ nice guy “.

I am ''too nice''

I’m also a “nice woman”

Iv'e also been the too "nice" person, and therefore, many people have been allowed to cross my boundaries. This year, I decided no more. I am not going to allow my boundaries to be crossed, or to be so nice that I end up getting hurt or bruised in the process.

As much as it hurts to have lost close relationships, I just couldn’t let that person treat me absolute boundary-crossing badly. They treated me like I meant nothing to them, because I really meant nothing to them. That’s why they cross your boundaries and don’t back off when you protest. They don’t care if they lose you.

At least I still have my self esteem. I didn’t let them run me over and leave me for dead. I stood my ground and they bailed on me. It’s hard to wrap my head around when it came from my family and best friend. There was definitely something off with them. I know it sounds like it must all be me...but it isn’t.

Do you all think it’s better to hold firm to your boundaries (your absolute minimum requirements for respect) or to give in to let someone take advantage of you?

Very well said! The minimal consideration towards other person is respect and much more if there’s love and care.
Unluckily, it sometimes coincides that people who are more close to you are the ones who don’t treat you well.
I’m sorry you didn’t feel the treatment you deserves from your family and your best friend.
I put myself in your shoes and I can figure how hard you found to trust other people.
I like your optimistic. This is the way.
Your self-esteem is over it all. Family is not chosen and the best friend, you already learnt, even who we consider true friends, they in real don’t feel the same towards us.

Your resilience is the right path not only for you but also the ones who are gonna have the opportunity to enjoy a healthy person.

My proposal is to be all of us nice, not “too nice” and practice self-care.
And if we can’t do it, maybe realising when we are being “too nice” ( without judging ourself hardly), only taking note of it and which could be the reason behind it. Maybe, it helps. I think so.

WOW.... I know what you mean Gfo. I am married to someone who 'hides' his smoking dope and drinking. He is an alcoholic and has admitted in his past he tried most every drug there was (except needles), in fact brags about being a "walking PDR". He has been an alcoholic for about his entire life as well (he's almost 60). I used to drink with him but after a stroke ( fully recovered, thank heavens) and now recovering from a total hip replacement I do not drink anything but water (and haven't for 3 years), during all this time he has continued to drink (and smoke dope occasionally...which he knows I detest!) and he 'hides' it saying that I told him after my stroke that I didn't want to 'see' it. I may have said that, I don't know, I have absolutely no memory of the stroke or of any time for several months after until one morning I woke up and wondered why he wasn't at work and he told me what happened. No memory of it at all. But now 3 years later it finally got sooooo bad that he was drinking at least 2 18 packs of beer and 3-4 BIG bottles of vodka a week....all by himself!!! Every single night was slobbering, couldn't talk, couldn't walk, literally falling down and passing out drunk! He finally recently said he knew his drinking was the problem and used my own words against me....I'M DONE....when I say that...I MEAN IT and he wrote me a letter (he refuses to talk to me about it!) and told me...he was DONE. Well, of course I smelled the dope on him and looked...yep he has it (and it IS illegal here still) and the booze, he is once again making trip after trip out to his truck where he keeps his bottle and yes...I did look...watched him guzzeling it. He is "trying" to keep from drinking enough to get drunk (I can tell) but it won't last. I know that! And before he said he was done he had gotten very verbally nasty with me several times to the point that I wasn't really afraid of him.....yet one night I slept in my clothes because I wasn't really sure of what he would do he was SO NASTY to me! It's crazy...he is really a good person, normally works hard (well, except for about a year where he was getting so drunk every night that he was "sick" a lot of mornings and didn't work, but he really is a good hearted person and if I ask (which I don't after the way he treated me for so long while drinking) he would do anything I ask but I've learned not to. Sad, isn't it? So I'm not sure if I'm more upset with him or myself for dealing with a life that I hate. I HATE the sneaking, hiding, going to the store to buy "stuff" and taking out cash (I watch the bank account very closely) and buying his bottles so I won't see the liquor store on the statement anymore. I hate the lying. I told him that one time and WOW....did he let me have it..saying he is NOT A LIAR! What else would you call that? I feel so disrespected living a life with drugs (which I want no part of nor do I want it around! I have teenaged grandkids that like to come out and stay on the weekends and I certainly don't want them around it! If my daughter knew he was drinking like he does and had dope here I would not be allowed to have my grandkids here....I feel so lost, and so alone and I have absolutely no one I CAN talk to about this. Got me talking to myself (and laughing at myself for doing it . Guess while I'm spilling my guts to a complete stranger I may as well let it all out. There is and has been ZERO sex in our relationship for years. He can't (for obvious reasons) but he blames me for it...guess what....? It's not me!!! I just want a normal life so bad. Just want to be happy and not always worried about his drinking and doping and it "is" pretty much all consuming to me. He tells me I am very hard to live with. I wish I could understand what that is (other than my attitude toward the drinking and dope...I know, and he knows, how I feel about that!) but he comes home from work...the house is always clean...always (I don't think he has ever lived in a clean home before but he has really done pretty well keeping his junk out of the main house (he has his own room where he can trash), and when he gets home ...we have a huge yard (in the south) where there is always branches down, mossy oak, stuff. It is always kept picked up, all the horse fences trimmed around, the yard kept neatly mowed, most of the time a hot meal ready (when "he" is ready to eat it if he's sober which used to be a huge problem, me cooking and him passing out before he could eat it or be so drunk that he'd spill it all over and pass out for me to clean up). I have always worked (until about 6 months ago and made good money). I am retired now but with my SS and I have a great pension so I am still bringing in as much retired as he is working (he's 6 years younger than I am). A little past about me. I was a medic for almost 20 years, then after a really bad back and they told me I'd have to go on disability....(not me)...I went to work as a medical investigator for the Attorney General's Office and did that till I moved south where I worked as a supervisor at a very large Independent Retirement Complex, so I have had some very good experiences in my life...and always able to handle anything but now...think I'm more upset with "me" and the fact that although I know what is RIGHT....I'm still here (or maybe I should say 'he' is still here). My daughter and her family moved down here so I am here because I am very close to my daughter and grandkids! His kids, both HUGE dope smokers too, one in Indiana (where we are from) and the other in Washington State....dope is legal there. Actually went with him because he demanded he had to go and would not go without me to his son's graduation out there last May. My gut said don't go, but he reassured me that my feelings of it being a big booze and drug fest were not going to happen...Well, it was WAY WORSE than I could even have imagined. I can't tell you, it would take hours of the drugs and booze...ALL IN FRONT OF THE LITTLE KIDS and the 11 year old grand daughter who vapes because her "daddy" says it is so good for you!!! HORRIBLE! Well, I am so sorry that I have really REALLY run off at the mouth LOL....guess I just needed to get it out there. I really hope your situation has resolved.. and if you did (or could) read all of this THANK YOU! By the way, I really am a 'fun' person who gets along with everyone and loves to laugh and have good clean fun! Have a great day!

Healthy boundaries means we protect ourselves and sometimes other people, by realizing there are limits to certain behaviours, which should never be ignored.

Hopefully, our parents teach us healthy boundaries, right from the start: Things we do that might endanger ourselves or another's well-being (emotional or physical) are discouraged.

When this doesn't happen early in life (as it sometimes didn't with my mother), it can lead to difficulties recognizing or defending our boundaries for ourselves, later on. I personally struggle with making sure people respect my healthy boundaries, but am getting better at asserting myself when I need to do so. As a result, I feel much stronger, smarter, and more confident than I did in my teens, twenties and onward.

This is a great question, Fuzzybear!

For me I know I have healthy boundaries with someone when I feel like (a) I can express myself and how I'm feeling, including discussing conflict with that person, without feeling like I have to tiptoe around them and (b) like the relationship isn't exhausting me or draining me. I mean, if you think about it, something healthy generally feels good for you; whereas when it's unhealthy, it will feel bad and have a wear/tear on you. To me an unhealthy boundary actually means a lack of a boundary. It seems like when we talk about boundaries that are unhealthy, we are really referring to (often) boundaries we haven't set or don't exist. So I'm not really sure if I think that there are boundaries that are healthy versus unhealthy. In my experience I think it's more likely that there are simply boundaries, which are inherently healthy, and no boundaries, which are inherently unhealthy.

I was abused as a child, molested by a non family member, domestic abuse (relationship). All this led to me believing I was nothing and became a doormat. During my young adult years I was the family scapegoat, parents spoke negative about me to siblings and vice versa. It took one life and death situation (not abuse) for me to wake up. I woke up one day and said no more! I spoke to family this needs to stop. I was told your too sensitive. I limited contact and eventually cut them off completely. I walked away from a few insensitive doctors too.

If someone is normally respectful,and suddenly is rude once or twice, I tell myself maybe its a personal issue and let it go. If you are rude or insensitive on a consistent basis you will be cut off.

The main one for me,is DISRESPECT from others.