Coping with wishful thinking

I didn’t know very well how to put these thoughts into words neither how to name the thread so, sorry if it’s not what you expected to read about.
I know which feelings and emotions it provokes on myself. It’s one of the worst things I may experience.
I’m gonna try to explain it.

When I’m in a very low mood I barely have the energy to give a “hi” (I’m exaggerating but it’s graphic). As soon as I have a little of energy and my mood better even a little bit, I know I have energy to offer myself.
When someone has a little of something, they offer, don’t they?
Not mention when I feel strong, I can even think all may be possible.
In this case when I am in this action of offer and sometimes, only sometimes, I receive kind of slap on my face ( metaphorically speaking) not that my offer is rejected but I’m talking about a hit in the heart. I live the worst moment I could live. It’s one of the worst things that may happen to me. I feel guilty even for dreaming or breathing. Who I am to dare to think that I can make things different. That I can even fix the most difficult task. It’s like if I lose faith on myself.

Until resent past, I sometimes react in an aggressive way or a passive-aggressive way. Then, the cycle of self-blaming and depression began.

Now, it’s different. My first emotions are surprised and fear, then appears feelings of sadness and disappointment

I neither know what I’m trying to get with this thread.
Maybe, relief a little the burden of my feelings and even try to look for your advises to put me a little at ease as soon as possible. What you do to put yourself a little at ease when you experience the same?
Thanks in advance!

Hi AzulOscuro,

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Something like that has happened to me before. The human brain is so mysterious. I am often surprised by what my brain thinks and how to moves me to act.

Please realize that you are a million times more than the automatic thoughts and actions that your brain generates. I don't think you should blame yourself for what your brain does when it is feeling hurt.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and these two illnesses have a great influence on me, an influence that surprises and even shocks me sometimes. It helps me a lot to realize that these illnesses can cause all kinds of things which I would not desire to think or do if I wasn't ill. I hope you will not be too hard on yourself.

-- Yaowen

Yes, I know we are kind of illnesses’ siblings.
Thank you for your advise I will try to be as mindful as I can.

Hello,
It is very touching this untitled thread by you, I can give it a name after ur permission of course, "my unworthiness",
Aint going to analyse anything! I'm only going to let the water running in its flow,
I'm experiencing the same with you but in different levels,
Sometimes I feel happy, willing to tell jokes, teasing everybody, my mouth can't stop laughing and calling PPL by names...
Often times, I feel that I'm struggling to make the least sound coming out my throat! Need to be alone, on my own! Kinda power cut!
Experiencing short break for self evaluation, sometimes my power outage happens with no evident reason!!
The human brain keeps turning and in one day u can have more than 2000 thought and idea, some of them are positive, and some of them are negative, and if a negative thought sneaks inside the mind u know! Like a virus!
What's the virus???
Biologists claim and confirm that a virus is a program, thrown somewhere in the nature, powerless, inefficient! Waiting for an occasion of transportation to a living organism, only that time a the program starts working! Destructive task!
So the negative thoughts are like a virus, we are in vulnerable position against them! Can't be protected even if we try to create a high strong wall of defense! Negative thoughts would always find a way-in to mind!
This regarding the first part of feeling low, not in the mood,
Your second part was about feeling guilty to dream to breath, to.....
Same with you also! I make a plan, I achieve s work, I contribute by something I say or I do in order to solve a problem or to fix something by good intention, then sometimes I feel like everything I do is like hitting a wind by a baton!! Pointless!
I feel unworthy even to think!
Sometimes I feel like am about to quite! I have to!
But I remember that there are so much PPL to prove them wrong!
I have my own reasons reacted with my own environment and my own experience in this life,
May be what caused your unworthiness has to do with your childhood, not being well loved in the family,not loving yourself enough, having bad self image of your body and your capacities wrapped in the low self confidence...
In order to overcome that unworthiness inside you I want tell you, try to be merciful with yourself with your heart, take it easy,
When u wake up morning the first thought that u let in your mind effectively it will be the electricity that lights on your day as it could be your gloom,
Be the controller of your thoughts, all the negative thoughts in this world can do nothing to you unless u let them sneak inside!
Think that you are there for a reason, without you lot of things can't be done! U are important, productive, lot of lives are depending on u and on your smile.

Both of you, @Yaowen and you made a lot of sense about how negative mental self-talking could impact if you believe them literally or let them control your life.
And both of you are right in the solutions. Mindfulness and self-compassion. I use them. The most useful tools I ever learnt to be honest.
But, I need something more. Go a little beyond.

I recognise that I’m too much sensitive and dramatic. I remember when my dad yelled at me in his coffee shop in front of the costumers ( some of then well known by my dad and me) and I went off, and go to the highest place of my building to cry. I barely can hold my tears back. Guess a sensitive and shy person happens such a thing. I used to think that it was my fault. That these things happened to me for being me ( a broken being).

I’m gonna be more graphic with what I want to express. Guess you are walking in the street and you see a friend you give her a smile and a “hi” and she responds you with a slap on your face.
Guess now that you made a error to deserve a telling off. The other person can choose many ways to call you the attention or save her boundaries or makes her rights clear but a slap on the face is cruel.
It makes me wonder if I deserve it, or if I’m interpreting all in an exaggerated way because of my sensitivity.
I need something else.

P.S.:
What I want to avoid is to turn into another person. I don’t want to stop believing most of things may be possible. It wouldn’t be me.
Many times, I had ideas that were seen at the beginning as crazy and time gives me the reason that this was the way and others had to take them into action. So, I need being very balanced and careful.

Didn't understand the point u walk in street u see friend, u tell her hi then she slaps u in the face then u recognise u made error and u deserve that slap,
Do u think that everything u do to PPL may necessarily reproduce a rude response such a slap in the face and that u deserve that slap?
Why she has to be rude with u as long as u are acting nice with her or with them???
This is not your FAULT!!
What and how PPL will react with u this is thier own choice based on thier own background,

@AzulOscuro

People are often rude to others because they are hurting inside. If they are feeling hurt because of something in the past, they might want revenge and sometimes they take revenge on people around them. Sometimes they take their revenge on strangers. Sometimes on their own friends and family.

It may seem that their rudeness is directed at you for something you did or for something you are, but usually this is not the case. Unless you are in an argument, rudeness is not about you but usually about something that happened to them in the past. The past could be 5 minutes ago or 50 years ago. It is a little like an injured animal that bites someone who is trying to help it. You are not the real target of their rudeness but just happen to be there.

Sometimes people are rude because they grew up in families where rudeness was tolerated. Maybe they are stuck in a bad habit of rudeness which they have trouble getting rid of. Sometimes they don't even realize how rude they are. Sometimes, sadly they don't care because of how hurt they are.

I knew someone who was hurt by a relative who had a beard. After that he was always rude to people who had beards. Did the strangers or friends with beards do anything to him. No. It was just a reaction to something that happened in the past.

It is hard not to be hurt by the rudeness of people, but it is easier sometimes if one can understand where rudeness comes from.

Hope you find something that helps you to feel better about yourself.

Thank you both for your responses.
[MENTION=77835]vanaheimr when I said I felt responsible in front of the slap is because I’m not an angel and screw things up. So, it makes me feel as when a kid is caught doing something bad but this kid didn’t ever notice he was doing bad or doing something upsetting.
@Yaowen, you’re right. People offer what they have.
And I’m not responsible for them being broken. I don’t want to be treat like that, I don’t deserve it. But, I can’t avoid feeling sad when the other person is someone important for you. And I have to cure my wounds.