[LiteraryLark]

Some of you were very concerned about my well-being, and I appreciate your concern. I feel comfortable enough to share some of what I have been dealing with these past few months.

I was wrongly stripped of a position I held at my school, and I filed a grievance against my superior in my defense. The position was a powerful one: it drained me of all my strength and energy, my life revolved around this position, my identity became this position. My coping mechanisms at the time included heavy chain smoking and drinking a fifth of hard alcohol every night, and if THAT didn't work, a little bedtime weed on top of it.

Not long after the grievance, I fell into a dark depression. It was a working depression, I spent my time alone asking big questions about who I am and my purpose in life. One of the greatest things happened to me at the beginning of this depression, I had enough of smoking and drinking. I spent two weeks backing off cigarettes, then on January 13th I began the nicotine patch and quit smoking, quit drinking hard alcohol, and threw away my weed and pipe.

I knew it wouldn't be easy, and I knew it had to get darker before it got lighter, but it was for my health and safety to give up these addictions. My brain was rewiring during this time, and I became suicidal. I told my parents this and they supported me and monitored me. I increased my counseling and worked with my psych. Eventually, I agreed to increase my lithium by 300mg, and my spirits were lifted practically overnight.

It is hard for me to walk the halls at school. It isn't true, but I feel like I'm constantly watched and judged. I feel defeated because my superior ultimately took credit for the work I did and covered up my efforts and involvement like I was never part of it...and got away with it. I'm most terrified to look my superior in the eye, even though my superior should be the one terrified to see me. I know my superior aches inside, and I'm still heartbroken.

I still having crying spells, but the depression is easing up and I'm no longer suicidal. Self-care is critical at this point in time. It's important for me to remind myself of how strong I have been and how strong I will continue to be. If I can quit cigarettes, hard alcohol, and pot at the same time and be successful, I can accomplish anything. And now that I am no longer in this position at school, I can see clearer my path in life and who I am as a woman, student, friend and partner.

[TishaBuv]

“ it drained me of all my strength and energy, my life revolved around this position, my identity became this position. My coping mechanisms at the time included heavy chain smoking and drinking a fifth of hard alcohol every night, and if THAT didn't work, a little bedtime weed on top of it.”

It wasn’t good for you to be in this position, if that’s the effect it had on you.

(I could say the same for myself for a position that’s killing me, but I don’’t leave)

It sounds like it was a blessing you got relieved of it, though I am sorry it hurt you.

[Open Eyes]

Hi LiteraryLark, thanks for sharing with us members here how you got to a point where you realized your lifestyle was not working for you and even though it was hard you decided to make changes. Please find your way to realizing that when you walk the halls and are not sure about feeling shame that you could not function and made the change you made, there is really NOTHING to feel shame about.

Right now, you are probably not ready to realize you actually did conquer something very important. Often, it takes time to realize how important your decisions really were. This doesn't mean you can't be a leader either, what it means is you can't do it the way you had tried to do it. And quite honestly, it doesn't matter if someone else is trying to take credit for whatever you did, the important thing is you were able to do whatever you did. Unfortunately, there are "shallow" people out there that don't care about getting whatever they get on the back of others. It sounds like you were an enabler because this other person is not willing to give you respect for what you did, instead they are being selfish and taking credit for something they did not achieve themselves.

The important thing to take away from all of this is you have actually achieved A LOT. You are not really giving up either, what you ARE giving up are the things that held you back.

[winter4me]

You are awesome! Seriously, you suffered a big loss in a place you still are connected to, and clearly the position you had was taking its toll on you. So glad your parents were supportive and I (as a parent) would be so proud of you for choosing life and health and moving on. And no matter who takes credit, you know what you did and I suspect you are not the only one. Wow. Thank you for being so open. It helps all of us who struggle with difficult emotional/behavioral issues.

[divine1966]

I am so glad to hear you are staying strong. Many hugs.