[AzulOscuro]

I wasn’t sure where to post this thread. In Relationship Communications forum, my forum for Social anxiety or here in Coping with emotions.
I let mods to rectify if I wasn’t right.

I’m wondering about how others live this situation. I’m trying to understand why.
The obvious is to have a low self-esteem but is it part of personality, is there a way to overcome it or change it?

I don’t have any problem to see, recognise and even admire the good in people. Maybe because I compare them with myself and see everyone as better. I can’t recognise these points in myself. Indeed, you can tell me a hundred of times something good about me and I would never believe it.
Now, I accept to hear a compliment for education, I give thanks , but of course, I don’t believe it. I try it but I can’t.
My head tells me that mathematically, I’m wrong. There must be something good inside me since everyone have it.

That takes me to trust issues and I’m not sure if it’s a defence mechanism that I like to be on the mud, to avoid commitment or what?

My question why you think it could happen based on your personal experience.
Any other insight or discussion about the topic are welcome, too.

[Yaowen]

Hi AzulOscuro,

Sadly I don't have any special insight or wisdom in this area. What follows is just my fallible opinion . . .

I think people give compliments for all kinds of reasons, some they are aware of and some they are not aware of. There seems to be degrees of sincerity in the giving of compliments from no sincerity to complete sincerity and everything in between. There's mathematics to this since you mention mathematics.

I think that we are often influenced by conditioning we received in the past. If a child is criticized more than praised, perhaps he or she will grow up doubting the truth of compliments. That is my personal experience too.

Some people, I think, were raised to believe they were no good. This leaves a deep pattern in their mind which then generates automatic thoughts of being no good.

I also think, some people were raised to believe that anything less than perfection is no good. And this also has effects.

In my opinion, every human being is unique. There never was and never will be someone exactly like them in all of time, history and eternity. This uniqueness is not something they "have." It is written into their very being. It doesn't have to be acquired and cannot be lost. It doesn't have to be earned or proved. This uniqueness is the basis of every person's inalienable worth and dignity. There is good in you because you are absolutely unique.

If a person was raised to have low self-esteem, that person could also "doubt" this by automatic reflex. Some parents and others believe that praising children leads to pride and that it is only good to criticize their children. Perhaps they think this because of the way they were raised. This is just my opinion, but perhaps there is some truth in it.

I think it can sometimes be very difficult to undo the conditioning which one has received early in life. Early life conditioning is perhaps very deep and hard to overcome.

You are a unique person and some of that uniqueness reveals itself to me in your posts here on the Forums. So I can "see" your goodness. I look forward to reading your posts here because I see the goodness in you. Today, for example, I was happy when I saw that you posted something. It put a smile on my face.

But it might be difficult for you to see it or believe others when they compliment you on it. I also have this problem sometimes.

The brain is very mysterious.

Hopefully others here will have better opinions than mine.

[AzulOscuro]

Thank you a lot for your insightful post. I see the mental brightness in you. I guess you have difficult to believe it but I see it. Well, sometimes so much that I cannot catch it the first or the second time I read it and I assure you that it’s not because of your English that I see as very talented. I’m not saying good, but talented.

You gave me the clue. In my case more than being stressed on a lack of value, I was conditioned to focus on the mistakes. Never good enough. So no matter how much I try, I have in the DNA that nothing is gonna be valued but criticised.
I need to break with this pattern but I still don’t see how to do it. I think it’s time for me to try it harder.

As you said, everyone is valuable and unique and I can’t be so hard on myself.

A side note: This post you liked this morning was made with the purpose to put a smile on people as you.

[WastingAsparagus]

I think it's hard to have self-esteem even when we do accomplish a lot. All the compliments I ever hear, I doubt. I think it's a natural thing to do sometimes.

We are taught to praise others and not to accept compliments ourselves from a young age (society's conditioning), in my opinion.

It's hard work to learn to accept oneself as who one is later on in life, I think. I know from personal experience and failures.

And the progress won't be linear, or at least it hasn't been in my case. It's not like one day I woke up with self-esteem and another day I woke up without it. It takes sustained effort and sometimes I feel down on myself still. (I'm not saying I solved the issue completely, either).

[AzulOscuro]

So truth. It must be hard for everybody accept compliments due to the culture we were raised. Even for people with better self-esteem.

You are very right. In our DNA is printed the idea to be a social animal and being accepted by our social group for protection.
And then, on another hand, we are brought up to follow religious and ethic principals to support the former. Sacrifice for the other, be nice to and love the other, responsibility to give the group our best. Much of it, I think it has to be with acceptance by the group to find a protection from the group.

If I were a mother I would be very concern about my kid being accepted so I wanted him/her to be as better as possible in his/her skills. And as a person.
Of course I would respect his/her nature, his/her personality, his/her rights as a distinct person to me.
But, I’m a teacher so I have more preparation in this field.
Each time more, parents are more aware of the need to be balanced and accept the value of their kids, as separated individuals from their parents. But, I guess parents have done as best as they have been able to do it and likely, similar to how they were raised.

What changed along the History is values we considered as right in a social group.

I think it’s important to know this why to give it a more objective eye to the matter and you clarified many things for me. Thanks, a lot.

I understand that my head often makes good reasonings what happens is that most of the times, feelings and fears, win the battle. Many times they walk on first place. But, these feelings are not another thing that what we were printed when kids. Something randomly chosen for a point in and a society. Subjective. Cultural.

[Vanaheimr]

The key it seems that it is hard to find it,
But it this dazn't deny it from existing!!!!
When we can't find something it dazn't mean that that thing dazn't exist! May be the key is in front of our eyes! Thrown down! But the filter in eyes in mind keep it invisible!!
The key is the self acceptance!
I don't have to be messy or tom cruise of famous leader vocalist rock band member to accept myself and to be merciful with myself!
I don't have to compare myself with everyone!
I only have to compare myself with me in passed time! That's how the improvement could be achieved!
Self-acceptance means that you understand who you truly are and where your strengths and weaknesses lie. You know what you want. This will allow you to be comfortable with your place in the world and be honest with yourself. If you can build your self confidence, you will live a life free of self criticism.

[AzulOscuro]

My rational mind says to me that you’re right. But my DNA and my past, tells me that it’s impossible to find a self-acceptance. You see your flaws are unforgiven, like giant ghosts so that you can see the strengths. You even question yourself if you have a single bit of the latter.

[Vanaheimr]

DNA, has nothing to do with psychology with brain functions including consciousness and deep consciousness.
Psychology is a thing, and metabolism is other thing,
DNA has genetic codes that conceive the aspect of the body, these codes inherited from the. Chromosomes of parents
Whereas psychology is an other system built by the conscience and deep conscience,
And this system can be rebuilt by the interference of scientific psychological methods,
DNA is like the hardware of the computer meanwhile the psychology is a the software,
Software defined by a program.
So you can program yourself as you want,
Understanding your body your brain helps so much to deal with any issue,
So your low self esteem isn't hopeless!

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Vanaheimr

DNA, has nothing to do with psychology with brain functions including consciousness and deep consciousness.
Psychology is a thing, and metabolism is other thing,
DNA has genetic codes that conceive the aspect of the body, these codes inherited from the. Chromosomes of parents
Whereas psychology is an other system built by the conscience and deep conscience,
And this system can be rebuilt by the interference of scientific psychological methods,
DNA is like the hardware of the computer meanwhile the psychology is a the software,
Software defined by a program.
So you can program yourself as you want,
Understanding your body your brain helps so much to deal with any issue,
So your low self esteem isn't hopeless!

It wasn’t in my intention being literal when using DNA term. I was referring to what we are taught as kids as it remains as something very hard to change, sometimes even a little bit because become part of your personality. It’s automatic.

[Vanaheimr]

You were referring to the accumulated experiences and the habits that you had in past when u were reacting with your environment,
Then all these things has become one part of you!
Sorry if I misunderstood the context!
Anyways nothing is impossible

[divine1966]

Yes we are effected by how we were raised but there is more to life than our childhood. If we were all stuck in how we were raised there would be no progress in the world. I think humans (adults) are capable of growing and changing and seeing help. So there is certainly room for improvement beyond childhood experiences

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Vanaheimr

You were referring to the accumulated experiences and the habits that you had in past when u were reacting with your environment,
Then all these things has become one part of you!
Sorry if I misunderstood the context!
Anyways nothing is impossible

Don’t worry. You were right. My post lend to confusion. So, you did very well to put the points over the “i”.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Yes we are effected by how we were raised but there is more to life than our childhood. If we were all stuck in how we were raised there would be no progress in the world. I think humans (adults) are capable of growing and changing and seeing help. So there is certainly room for improvement beyond childhood experiences

You can’t guess how much I changed. I barely was able to go out of my house. Looking at people’s faces, I didn’t dare to. As if I was embarrassed even for breathing. I changed in little things but not the relevant. Only that I’m more conscious now about what and who I am.
I don’t even blame my parents. What I am is a mix of temperament and my personality created with the interaction between temperament and the environment.

There’s a important psychiatrist in my country who uses to say that childhood is the playground we will play along our whole life.

It’s very difficult to unlearnt. So I can only hope for self-acceptance and that the future could be a little more bright for next generations.

[mote.of.soul]

Hi AO,

I used to find it very difficult to accept a compliment as well. But somewhere along the line I realized that when someone gives me a compliment it's like they're trying to give me something nice, a gift. And, so, rather than refuse the gift, I decided I should accept it because it's not really about whether I think the compliment is true or not, but more about the kind gesture of the other person. But it's always good to believe in the compliment rather than fight it. Take it into the heart and reflect on it - believe in it. The person is trying to tell you something.

I hope I'm making sense here.

Thank you.

[AzulOscuro]

Know what you mean. I guess most of the compliments are truly said, that’s why I politely accept them.
Those who only want to please our ears for hidden intentions are the exceptions.

I do it unconsciously. I reject any positive said about me not because I think the person is lying, most of the time, I only think they got wrong in their judgement. It’s like I would like to be in the mud. As I didn’t deserve it.

[mote.of.soul]

@AzulOscuro

Yes, I can definitely relate to those feelings of not deserving it. It's a problem in the brain connections, I believe.

But I must be naive because if I'm complimented, the thought of them having a secondary motive for giving the compliment, never enters my mind(?) So, I'm sorry you have that because, yes, it must be quite uncomfortable. But hey, we have social anxiety - everything's uncomfortable. Hugs.

[lady411]

I struggled with something very similar as far as accepting compliments and I think I still do now. I was raised with a father who was always very critical in everything me and my siblings did. Nothing was ever good enough and there was always room for improvement. And he wasn’t even in the military. My mother was the arms we would run to for shelter.

Today my parents have changed and grown so much. Thanks to God and books. We are able to talk about how the way they raised us shaped our way of thinking. But they also had a tough upbringing which in turn was all they were equipped with to raise their own children. So I really empathize with them.

Now, as my siblings and I are all adults with spouses and children I’ve come to realize that regardless of the way we were raised we can break the cycle every day we make a choice. Our children are our future and the next generation. They deserve our best selves.

I also agree with it being all about self-acceptance. That is definitely one huge step towards self-fulfillment.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by lady411

I struggled with something very similar as far as accepting compliments and I think I still do now. I was raised with a father who was always very critical in everything me and my siblings did. Nothing was ever good enough and there was always room for improvement. And he wasn’t even in the military. My mother was the arms we would run to for shelter.

Today my parents have changed and grown so much. Thanks to God and books. We are able to talk about how the way they raised us shaped our way of thinking. But they also had a tough upbringing which in turn was all they were equipped with to raise their own children. So I really empathize with them.

Now, as my siblings and I are all adults with spouses and children I’ve come to realize that regardless of the way we were raised we can break the cycle every day we make a choice. Our children are our future and the next generation. They deserve our best selves.

I also agree with it being all about self-acceptance. That is definitely one huge step towards self-fulfillment.

Thank you for sharing your experience that it’s pretty similar to my own experience. The same here, my dad was a perfectionist and pretty severe when we were little and young.

And thank you for being a good parent.