[Christmas cookie]

I grew up with a lot of abuse emotionally and physically. My family talked behind my back negatively and very unsupportive. Due to bad experiences with criticism, insensitivity, and rudeness I expect the worse in situations. If a comment is made that cannot be defined as rude or positive, I assume immediately its negative or insensitive. If someone doesn't like the color of my shoes,I don't care. Mocking my trauma, perceived personality etc hurts.
For example if someone starts discussing my trauma-the fear, hurt, sensitive feelings rise. I brace myself- oh no here we go again. A comment is made . My mind races to negative. They are making fun of me. Like a hamster wheel the comment propels in my mind- what does this mean, could it be this or that?

I try to remind myself yes in this world some people are rude, and others
who are not.

Why should I care what they think. Yet when they are insensitive about trauma it hits hard. Sometimes people blunder words or sentences or thoughts. It comes out of their mouths awkward.

So how do I start thinking neutral or positive in these situations?

I know when comments are truly rude or positive. Others that are not defined, my mind shifts automatically to negative, they are mocking etc.

You could start by just noticing. Notice the neutral comment, notice where your mind goes, knowing it may or may not be negative.

I'm the same way, btw, and I have a difficult past too.

Another thing you could do is journal. Don't spend too much time ruminating over it, but there Are productive ways to journal. I do a T chart sometimes. On one side, goes all my negative thoughts. On the other side I counter those thoughts with more positive kind words.

[Christmas cookie]

Thanks wovengalaxy. I will try the t chart and journaling. If a comment with uncertain context is made,
I will attempt to look at it neutral.

[aklimatize]

I really have begun to understand that meaning is everything. In the situations you are describing, what you're really saying is that when something happens, it MEANS that they are attacking you or something similar, and that is why you have the negative feelings and your mind races to a similar conclusion.

Meaning is fundamental in the area of the mind, because it determines what we will and won't do when something happens.

I come from an abusive childhood myself as well; for years, that MEANT that I was inferior. It MEANT that I would never catch-up to the maturity level of others. It MEANT that I should have been able to do more in less time.

When I began to change the meaning of my past, I didn't have to try to change my reactions to things; it was automatic. If my past MEANT that I have become stronger and more capable, then if someone criticizes me for not being mature (a past trigger point), it no longer phases me, because I've shifted my meaning of my past to something more empowering.

So, how do we change meaning? Change focus. When my past meant that I was disadvantaged and inferior, it was because I was FOCUSING on all the past hurts and offenses that I had been through. When I change my focus to how I'm stronger now because I've been through all of my stuff, and started noticing how I am actually a good guy, I started having more confidence in myself, and the meaning of my past changed.

If you want to delve deeper into meaning and how to change it, I'd highly recommend Tony Robbins. His NAC (Neuro-Associative Conditioning) program is top-notch in this. He describes how to also change meaning by changing associations (anchors in NLP) to what we link up to events.

You can also look into NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), as that deals with a lot of the things he talks about, but in my opinion, his way of looking at things really is beneficial because he works with shifting meaning by changing focus, habitual feelings associated to ideas, etc.

I hope this helps.

[MsLady]

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is suppose to help with that.

[Christmas cookie]

aklimatize, thank you. After reading your post it all makes sense. When I think about my past abuse, feelings of shame, hurt, worthless, and inferiority encircled my mind. It look a life and death situation (not abuse) 3 years ago to begin the focus on how strong I am. I survived abuse and a very traumatic incident. I'm alive and tell myself I handled the life and death situation well despite how terrorizing it was. People criticized my handling of the situation. You should have done this... At first my feelings were hurt. In time I told myself I am alive. How I handled it was right.

However certain past situations and encounters still cause negative feelings and thoughts. I need to work on it more. I will look into the Tony Robbins program too. Thanks!

Wovengalaxy, I'm searching for a new therapist and will ask if they do CBT. Thanks!

[aklimatize]

Originally Posted by Christmas cookie

aklimatize, thank you. After reading your post it all makes sense. When I think about my past abuse, feelings of shame, hurt, worthless, inferior encircled my mind. It look a life and death situation (not abuse) 3 years ago to begin the focus on how strong I am. I survived abuse and a very traumatic incident. I'm alive and tell myself I handled the life and death situation well despite how terrorizing it was. However certain situations still cause negative feelings and thoughts. I need to work on it more. I will look into the Tony Robbins program too. Thanks!

I am sorry you had to go through so much; but I can tell it's made you stronger, and that you'll continue to feel strong as you think about all the good things about yourself


Believe me, I need to work on my stuff more too. I think we all are a work in progress; have good days and have bad days, but in the end, we're going in the right direction. I hope Tony Robbins is a great benefit to you; I know he sure has been for me.

[LilyMop]

My therapist suggested I try this when I have anxious thoughts: What is the worst that can happen, what is the best that can happen and what is most likely? So in the case of comments that make me uncomfortable I would ask myself: what is the worst thing? This person is making fun of me. What is the best thing? This person is just joking around. What is most likely? The comment probably has nothing to do with me. I can take it a step further... What is the worst thing that can happen if this person makes fun of me? It hurts my feelings. What is the best thing? I don’t care at all. What is most likely? I will feel hurt or annoyed by this person making fun of me but I will realize it doesn’t really mean anything and blow it off. I have found this helps me a lot.

[Christmas cookie]

Thank you aklimatize . I'm sorry you endured abuse. Your hope and strength has made me consider my past and present thinking patterns.

Lilymop thank you for your advice. I plan to write down the questions and rehearse them. I believe this will me too. Thanks

[Deepershun]

I guess it can be PTSD too. You've been exposed and conditioned to the same trauma and dynamic. I'd say it would be a good idea for you to shift away from people that you can tell actually are mistreating you, regardless of your diagnosis. You'll be better for it in the long run.

[Christmas cookie]

Deepershun, I was diagnosed with ptsd. Few people I do avoid or cut contact due to mistreatment. Others I need to move away from too.