[MtnTime2896]

my coping with death isn't healthy, i'd imagine. i'm not sure what healthy grief looks like since i've never seen it once in my life. not with myself or those around me.

i lost someone special to me recently. she was something special for sure, could light up a pitch black room.

i'm smoking for the first time in years, not much, but still smoking cigars. i'm drinking more again. almost daily, except tonight and instead i am stoned. stoned and alone is preference right now. it keeps me safe away from everyone while still keeping me slow and away from the topic of grief. how do i grieve? let it hurt is what i'm told, but there's no 'letting' it happen. it will when it does because i can be high enough to clear the atmosphere but i'll still face my demons in space. they follow me when i drink eventually catching me by surprise. what drug can make me feel less of this?

i need to cope, not dwell, but dwelling is coping in a sense. i'd rather not dwell or cope, but disappear away from the pain. even if it comes back for me anyway.

[TishaBuv]

I’m sorry you lost someone special. You are grieving in your own way and it is painful. We want to numb ourselves so we don’t feel as much pain. The drinking and smoking is hopefully not at dangerous levels and not going to be chronic and hurt you, maybe just a temporary coping mechanism to deal with this grief. You will think about all the things you need to think about while you grieve. It’s a natural human condition.

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by MtnTime2896

my coping with death isn't healthy, i'd imagine. i'm not sure what healthy grief looks like since i've never seen it once in my life. not with myself or those around me.

i lost someone special to me recently. she was something special for sure, could light up a pitch black room.

i'm smoking for the first time in years, not much, but still smoking cigars. i'm drinking more again. almost daily, except tonight and instead i am stoned. stoned and alone is preference right now....... what drug can make me feel less of this?

I am sorry about your pain MtnTime.

I understand needing something to cope; however, my experience is that alcohol is one of the worst ways to cope with grief because it is a depressant and grief can really push us into depression. Hopefully you can figure out how to cut back on the alcohol somehow though I know it is hard to do. Though being stoned can sometimes help people relax, it pot is used too early in the day, it can make you lazy and one of the best ways I found to cope with grief is to find a project to keep myself busy. As for a possible drug that might help, when I was going through a crisis, I was prescribed a low dose of Zoloft and it did help numb my emotions but I was still able to get things done on it. I know I shouldn't suggest a specific drug but I do think that something like Zoloft might be better than large amounts of alcohol and pot. Hang in there!

[CaptainChaos]

[QUOTE=MtnTime2896;6904742]my coping with death isn't healthy, i'd imagine. i'm not sure what healthy grief looks like since i've never seen it once in my life. not with myself or those around me.

i lost someone special to me recently. she was something special for sure, could light up a pitch black room.

i'm smoking for the first time in years, not much, but still smoking cigars. i'm drinking more again. almost daily, except tonight and instead i am stoned. stoned and alone is preference right now. it keeps me safe away from everyone while still keeping me slow and away from the topic of grief. how do i grieve? let it hurt is what i'm told, but there's no 'letting' it happen. it will when it does because i can be high enough to clear the atmosphere but i'll still face my demons in space. they follow me when i drink eventually catching me by surprise. what drug can make me feel less of this?

I have dealt with grief a lot in my life, from an early age, losing my first grandparent at the age of 4. My parents didn't choose to shield me from the reality of the situation, which looking back was the healthiest way to deal with the situation. There is not a wrong or right way to grieve. Denia or shock are usually the the first things you will feel. Then an overwhemling sense of emotions you can't describe in words. Anger is common...almost everyone gets angry at their loved one for leaving them alone here in the world, and the guilty for feeling that way. Then the flood of crying and bargaining -- please let this be a horrible nightmare and I will do anything, etc. Eventually depression sets in when you realize the finality and realness of the situation..
When I lost my husband someone wise gave me something called "The Grief Recovery Workbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman. Many of the things in this book were things I already knew but many were not.. It was exactly what I needed when I lost my best friend of over 20 years and husband of nearly 14 years. I would highly recommend you get a copy, even if its second hand from Ebay or Amazon. It will help you with what you are going through. I handled grief well before i lost my husband, but I was lost and this book helped me and it is top notch. I will can only imagine the hurt you are experiencing. I would aslo recommend looking for a local grief support group so you can connect with so people in your area who understand what you are going through as well. Fellowship is part of the healing process

I'm so sorry you've lost someone.

[MtnTime2896]

thank you all. today i've kept myself busy, not sober, but busy.

we received photos of our friend today, my fiance put them in our photo album. i froze over her picture for a minute and couldn't speak. i couldn't think either, i just felt this void form.

i appreciate all of your responses. i'm trying to do better. she'd expect nothing less.

[BLUEDOVE]

Grief is a journey,not a destination--it is the price of love.

[susalie]

mtntime2896. I'm so so sorry for your loss. Hard is an understatement. I feel for you and time is what we need. I hate it. I get teary and I isolate myself. Is this good for me? I don't know. Just it hurts and it is a journey that is for me. Hugs!