[Scarlet Alexis]

Today was kind of tough. I'm sorry for my long vent.

I called my parents' home phone to wish my Dad a Happy Father's Day. I either call or visit on Father's Day every year-- they would have expected at least a phone call. All phone circuits weren't working for a long time. I started to get really worried, especially since there was a bad storm the night before. After no response from emails, trying other things, I drove to their house (30 min away). It's very hot, and I was afraid they had no power or a/c. Mom wasn't answering her cell either. (Dad doesn't have a cell phone).

When I got there, the power was out, and they were gone. They pulled up in the driveway 3 min later. I discovered they apparently had already told my sibling that lives several states away that they had no power (my parents' home phone goes out when power goes out, which means my mother used her cell to call my sibling). But Mom never bothered to call me. They just let me get worried and exasperated, forcing me to rush out there in a panic. By the time I figured out something was wrong and got there, they had gone over 24 hours with no a/c.

My mother pretended she forgot to call me. She may be a small small pinch forgetful, but she is bucket loads of manipulative, and has a history of trying to upset me/get a reaction out of me.

I was so frustrated and angry that I told both parents that it was clear they preferred my sibling to me, and that I felt very manipulated into rushing out there. I told them it would have only taken to 15 seconds for Mom to use her cell and say what happened/they were fine, etc. My mom just continued to protest that she was forgetful (not really, b/c she then told me in great detail where I keep my own spare keys in my own house).

So I looked at my Dad, and told him that I didn't want to treat Mom like a 5 year old, but if she is going to be that way and not responsible, that he needed to step up to the plate.

(My mother is controlling and manipulative, and for the last few years has prevented me from having more than about 2 minutes of conversation with Dad without her presence. So trying to find out what's going on has been impossible. I'd had enough of it today).

Also--I practically begged them to check into an air-conditioned hotel (I have no bed for them to stay at my home). They weren't interested. I was getting hot in their house and told them that since they are perfectly capable of driving to a hotel, and could afford a hotel room, I hoped they would be smart and get out. (Yes, they are fully vaccinated). I left their house feeling very upset.

I'm so hurt. They made it crystal clear by their actions that they prefer my sibling over me and didn't even extend the courtesy to me of letting me know what was going on. My Dad mumbled that they should have called me. That's probably regret, but as close to an apology as I'll get. Many hours later Dad called me to say their power was back on.

So, sounds like a happy ending in terms of their safety, which I'm glad about. But I feel betrayed and very hurt. I clearly cared more about them than they did about me. (I'm glad that they at least told me the a/c works now). I think this opened a deeper wound in me from not growing up with much empathy from my parents. I feel so guilty for being upset, but also a great deal of pain of not being important to them. I may need to face some of my own grief about my parents. It's difficult and painful.

Thank you for reading this really long post.

[Bill3]

[MickeyCheeky]

*father! *dad! So Sorry you're dealing with this! Please do not give up! i agree with the wise and wonderful Bill3 about sending you sad hugs. It does seem like things are pretty difficult with your Family, based on what you wrote. It does seem like your dad may be ore willing to listen so perhaps you can start from there? i am not sure. Is there anyone else whom can support you on this? Perhaps other relatives as Well. i Hope things will improve soon for everyone. i think it can be hard to rebuild a relationship with your parents given how much time has passed but i don't think it is impossible. i do think it depends on them too though as Well. i'd suggest to try to start reconciling with your dad. Sorry if this post wasn't really Helpful. i am here if you need Support and Hopefully many others. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Scarlet Alexis, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Scarlet Alexis]

Thank you @MickeyCheeky

I appreciate your comments. I think you are right--my dad may be easier to approach about things. I've been very deeply sad for the last couple days, but feel a little better now.

And you are right--relationships, even with parents are a 2-way street. I'm trying to have low expectations (to avoid more hurt). But I think you're right--the next contact I will try to speak to just my dad.

Thank you for your kind words!

[Scarlet Alexis]

Thank you @Bill3 for the hugs.
It really meant a lot to me on a difficult day.

I'm doing a little better now.
Thank you!

[RoxanneToto]

I can understand the hurt of caring for others more than they do you (this is coming from someone who’s mum does try her best to treat her children equally), but I think the answer is right there in your post; they don’t seem to have the same level of empathy as you do. It hurts to show your concern and have it thrown back in your face.
Grieving the relationships you wanted or thought you should have had will be hard, but you’ll come out stronger on the other side

[Scarlet Alexis]

Thank you @RoxanneToto for your kind words and support--it means a lot!

I think it may take some time to process all of this. I spent 2 days in a strange tired heavy sad feeling. Now sometimes I am back in shock and disbelief that my parents (and sibling) seemed to have created their own very unhealthy "family" without me. It's like they made some kind of arrangement behind my back to exclude me. I've been aware of my mother's gaslighting for a few years, but this is a deeper hurt. Somehow it's like they are all not ever what they seemed. Maybe I'm seeing their true nature for the first time.
I thought my sibling was kinder than this. It's been a couple things now where sib has made plans with parents or other things and I'm just a last minute afterthought.

This might take some time to process.

Thank you for listening to all of this.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Scarlet Alexis

Today was kind of tough. I'm sorry for my long vent.

I called my parents' home phone to wish my Dad a Happy Father's Day. I either call or visit on Father's Day every year-- they would have expected at least a phone call. All phone circuits weren't working for a long time. I started to get really worried, especially since there was a bad storm the night before. After no response from emails, trying other things, I drove to their house (30 min away). It's very hot, and I was afraid they had no power or a/c. Mom wasn't answering her cell either. (Dad doesn't have a cell phone).

When I got there, the power was out, and they were gone. They pulled up in the driveway 3 min later. I discovered they apparently had already told my sibling that lives several states away that they had no power (my parents' home phone goes out when power goes out, which means my mother used her cell to call my sibling). But Mom never bothered to call me. They just let me get worried and exasperated, forcing me to rush out there in a panic. By the time I figured out something was wrong and got there, they had gone over 24 hours with no a/c.

My mother pretended she forgot to call me. She may be a small small pinch forgetful, but she is bucket loads of manipulative, and has a history of trying to upset me/get a reaction out of me.

I was so frustrated and angry that I told both parents that it was clear they preferred my sibling to me, and that I felt very manipulated into rushing out there. I told them it would have only taken to 15 seconds for Mom to use her cell and say what happened/they were fine, etc. My mom just continued to protest that she was forgetful (not really, b/c she then told me in great detail where I keep my own spare keys in my own house).

So I looked at my Dad, and told him that I didn't want to treat Mom like a 5 year old, but if she is going to be that way and not responsible, that he needed to step up to the plate.

(My mother is controlling and manipulative, and for the last few years has prevented me from having more than about 2 minutes of conversation with Dad without her presence. So trying to find out what's going on has been impossible. I'd had enough of it today).

Also--I practically begged them to check into an air-conditioned hotel (I have no bed for them to stay at my home). They weren't interested. I was getting hot in their house and told them that since they are perfectly capable of driving to a hotel, and could afford a hotel room, I hoped they would be smart and get out. (Yes, they are fully vaccinated). I left their house feeling very upset.

I'm so hurt. They made it crystal clear by their actions that they prefer my sibling over me and didn't even extend the courtesy to me of letting me know what was going on. My Dad mumbled that they should have called me. That's probably regret, but as close to an apology as I'll get. Many hours later Dad called me to say their power was back on.

So, sounds like a happy ending in terms of their safety, which I'm glad about. But I feel betrayed and very hurt. I clearly cared more about them than they did about me. (I'm glad that they at least told me the a/c works now). I think this opened a deeper wound in me from not growing up with much empathy from my parents. I feel so guilty for being upset, but also a great deal of pain of not being important to them. I may need to face some of my own grief about my parents. It's difficult and painful.

Thank you for reading this really long post.

I literally walked away, told them to never contact me again and I will not be attending her funeral. Not all of us have caring families or good parents. I am sooooo much better now since I did that.

And yes, it was very painful and difficult because it felt wrong, even though it was necessary for my own well-being. People think I'm Satan and that's fine. There are people in this world worse than Satan.

[RoxanneToto]

People who think you’re Satan for walking away likely don’t have your lived experience, or are maybe even victim blamers (by ‘victim’ I don’t mean it in a derogatory way, like someone wallowing in self pity. I mean someone who had a crime/abuse committed against them).
I’m sorry you had to, however. Most people don’t take that decision lightly.

[leomama]

It looks like you have a husband you can cleave to. I would focus more on that relationship then the one with your parents, especially since you are married .

There are programs of recovery for people who come from dysfunctional families . There are also therapies . Recovery from complex/relational trauma (family of origin) takes a long time and a lot of work. It helps to look at ones expectations of their parents . If they are narcissists then that is what one needs to be expect. Does this make sense?

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

People who think you’re Satan for walking away likely don’t have your lived experience, or are maybe even victim blamers (by ‘victim’ I don’t mean it in a derogatory way, like someone wallowing in self pity. I mean someone who had a crime/abuse committed against them).
I’m sorry you had to, however. Most people don’t take that decision lightly.

Oh I'm sure they're not taking me seriously. That's okay. I've had my share of victim blaming as well. In the end it says way more about them than me.

[poshgirl]

Having a manipulative parent is nothing new. It's how and when we recognise it; usually as we get older and our life experience grows. Yes, it hurts when we realise we aren't the favourite child. Often it doesn't take a pandemic or lockdowns to bring the realisation to the fore.

Daughters who walk away often feel guilty. Maybe all to do with caring and nurturing. However, we have our own lives to live and don't see the situation changing. After walking out on my mother over six weeks ago, saying I wouldn't be treated badly anymore, we were finally in close proximity at a family event yesterday. Told her it was pointless my brother doing 10 mile round trip to pick her up when I was 2 miles down the road. She was appreciative. From things she said, her new shopping arrangements weren't going so well. My sister-in-law has apparently set up home delivery. So favourite child hasn't really stepped up to the plate, as the saying goes.

She's always been difficult, stemming from how her mother treated her. At first I thought it was her failing health, then realised from her comments that it wasn't the result of old age or dementia onset. Very sad!