[Travelinglady]

Passive aggressiveness is a bad way to handle anger and might even break up a relationship Here's a good article that describes the ways someone might be passive-aggressive:

Are You Being Passive Aggressive? | The Healthy

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for the link to this article. I guess I'm passive-aggressive sometimes. My wife will ask me if I'm okay. I say "fine" even though it's probably obvious I'm not. But, in most cases, I'm ruminating over things I know she wouldn't, or doesn't, want to know about and can't do anything about anyway. So it's just easier to say I'm fine or I'm just tired.

I also tend toward the passive-aggressive in some cases because my wife is very sensitive to criticism, while I tend to be quick to anger and can be sarcastic. So it's easier to just say there's nothing wrong, even though I may be angry about some (typically small matter), because all that expressing my anger or frustration will accomplish is to make her feel bad, as well as guilty, for having done something that upset me.

And so it goes...

[downandlonely]

I've done the silent treatment thing. In fact, I unfriended a lot of people on Facebook recently. But I see that as a way to establish boundaries. I don't see why I should stay friends with people who think I am going to Hell because I'm a lesbian and also that

Possible trigger:

brag about beating their children.

But I don't plan to friend and unfriend over and over. I just want those people out of my life.

[Travelinglady]

downandlonely, I don't see getting negative people out of your life as being passive aggressive. Setting boundaries is important for looking after yourself.

[DoroMona]

I definitely have to resist being passive-aggressive. For example, it's natural for me to sulk when I get angry. Now I'm currently having this huge conflict with a colleague and one of my concerns is that I'm coming off as passive aggressive. It's true that I'm furious with him but haven't spoken to him directly, just like the article describes. But in this case, I feel talking to him will only make things worse for me. I wish I knew a way to make clear that while I'm angry, my behavior isn't a form of punishment, it's just the new normal. I just want more boundaries and don't necessarily want to interact socially with my colleague anymore.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I've done the silent treatment thing. In fact, I unfriended a lot of people on Facebook recently. But I see that as a way to establish boundaries. I don't see why I should stay friends with people who think I am going to Hell because I'm a lesbian and also that

Possible trigger:

brag about beating their children.

But I don't plan to friend and unfriend over and over. I just want those people out of my life.

These people are so brainless. Don’t pay them a single bit of your attention.
I know where these people are coming from. They are brainwashed people because of the environment they were brought up. It’s a pity. I do feel pity for them. They are slaves in mind.

[downandlonely]

Originally Posted by DoroMona

I definitely have to resist being passive-aggressive. For example, it's natural for me to sulk when I get angry. Now I'm currently having this huge conflict with a colleague and one of my concerns is that I'm coming off as passive aggressive. It's true that I'm furious with him but haven't spoken to him directly, just like the article describes. But in this case, I feel talking to him will only make things worse for me. I wish I knew a way to make clear that while I'm angry, my behavior isn't a form of punishment, it's just the new normal. I just want more boundaries and don't necessarily want to interact socially with my colleague anymore.

I wonder if you could explain it in writing? That's what I had to do with my parents because they didn't listen when I talked and it was just making me more upset. But I took some time to think about it and wrote them an email explaining why I was upset.

I'm just wondering if your colleague knows what he did to make you angry. Because often people are angry with me and I have no idea why.

[AzulOscuro]

I’ve been passive-aggressive for nearly all my life.
So, people didn’t know what to wait from me. I’m so sorry for them.
I have taken responsibility for my acts and I’m now giving them what they deserve: Caring, love, affection, acceptance, understanding, etc.
They are no way responsible for my traumas or my psychological issues.

[DoroMona]

I'm with you, Azul. I sulked once and only once with my SO. I realized very quickly that the relationship wouldn't survive such behavior and never sulked again with them. With my mom, I sulk...because she never listens. Every time I've ever told her why I was angry, she's immediately reacted with disgust, scorn and disbelief. An attitude like, "OMG, that's why you're angry? Give me a f*&^ing break." I guess maybe that's where my sulking originated. No point in trying to communicate why you're angry if you feel you'll just be ridiculed and invalidated. Only be holding onto my cold, quiet anger did I ever manage to wrangle an apology out of her.

Down, I could try to write an email. I've done that in the past when serious issues came up. I think in 10+ years, only twice was I angry enough to send an email protesting a situation. But both times, I was very clear about what I wanted. This time, I don't want anything. I've distanced myself from the group and only want to preserve that distance. But that's on me, to establish and maintain my boundaries. Nothing to say to the other parties.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by DoroMona

I definitely have to resist being passive-aggressive. For example, it's natural for me to sulk when I get angry. Now I'm currently having this huge conflict with a colleague and one of my concerns is that I'm coming off as passive aggressive. It's true that I'm furious with him but haven't spoken to him directly, just like the article describes. But in this case, I feel talking to him will only make things worse for me. I wish I knew a way to make clear that while I'm angry, my behavior isn't a form of punishment, it's just the new normal. I just want more boundaries and don't necessarily want to interact socially with my colleague anymore.

Originally Posted by DoroMona

I'm with you, Azul. I sulked once and only once with my SO. I realized very quickly that the relationship wouldn't survive such behavior and never sulked again with them. With my mom, I sulk...because she never listens. Every time I've ever told her why I was angry, she's immediately reacted with disgust, scorn and disbelief. An attitude like, "OMG, that's why you're angry? Give me a f*&^ing break." I guess maybe that's where my sulking originated. No point in trying to communicate why you're angry if you feel you'll just be ridiculed and invalidated. Only be holding onto my cold, quiet anger did I ever manage to wrangle an apology out of her.

Down, I could try to write an email. I've done that in the past when serious issues came up. I think in 10+ years, only twice was I angry enough to send an email protesting a situation. But both times, I was very clear about what I wanted. This time, I don't want anything. I've distanced myself from the group and only want to preserve that distance. But that's on me, to establish and maintain my boundaries. Nothing to say to the other parties.

Very well said, Mona, you can’t control how others react but you can lead your reactions in order to choose the ones that are gonna make you stronger.
It’s a matter of practise to give place to a more reasoning way (cold feet). Then, the pattern becomes automatic.
It’s worthy and healthier.

[moodyblue83]

Personally I'm not very fond of passive aggressiveness. I like to have an open , honest
discussion about whatever the disagreement or conflict is about. Beating around the bush ,
not wanting to " talk about it " , lying , the silent treatment ( which to me is the worst because
it's so childish ), all just raise the tension level and usually end up not resolving anything.
It is VERY hurtful. People who are passive aggressive usually have much to hide.
I'm just stating how I feel from personal experience . I would be led to a point of anger.
Once it reached that level I would say things that I would later regret and the perpetrator
could then place all the blame on me. Passive aggressiveness is a very cunning
way to avoid a situation or take responsibility for anything.

[Discombobulated]

I think I’ve improved a lot in this area of life, this week I wasn’t okay with certain things happening at work and I asked to speak with my manager because I was boiling with anger about being left with unreasonable work load alone. I felt so much better for having my say and he got to answer me and address concerns. I’ve got to be honest I have been seething for weeks and it’s a horrible way to feel plus didn’t resolve anything I don’t think I was easy to be around either. Talking openly felt cathartic.

It seems like fear may be behind passive aggressive behaviour? Like we may be scared what will happen if we are honest and open? Maybe it’s shame too? Like we don’t want to admit our anger? Passive aggression seems like denial of true feelings.

I have experienced passive aggression from others, one friend admits he tends to passive aggression, I’m not always really sure how to handle him because of this but I’m glad he acknowledges it.

[eskielover]

My ex-H pulled passive aggressive on me constantly along with all the other crap he did....but I am sure I slung it right back at him out of anger. Totally dysfunctional instead of just leaving him like I finally did.

Had a friend who couched her comments in the niceness & saw her do it with her sons. Finally had enough & just haven't gotten back in contact with her. Sometimes friendships are best if the boats just keep sailing in the opposite directions. I don't miss that stress feeling in my life & I am sure she doesn't either