[black-roses]

I realized that I have a problem with thinking people think they worst of me but I also realise it affects and distorts how I view potential men that could date me. I tend to assume there not attracted to me first, and I realise that come from a situation that happened when I was 17, I never opened up about about the details of ten years ago where I obsessed with a boy but now I'm ready to share. This guy at highschool liked me and he was getting to know me and like all my traumas blah blah to try and date me. He started to invite me to youth group with him and I was also friends with his friends. Anyway at that time I also had trauma around men so I'd get enraged and blurt out things like kill every male, when he was telling me off for things. Anyway, he got fed up with me and would hang out with his friends and when I went there I'd start talking to him but he'd tell me to leave. Eventually I became obsessed with him, then he picks another girl over me. I still had feelings for him blah blah still went to youth group with him. Anyway, long story short one day at youth camp he shows all his friends the messages I sent to his phone and Kirsten was like how did she get your number. He told everyone that I loved him the text anyway Cameron asks if he loves me, he says no he hates me. I overheard the whole thing and started crying. Then he tells everyone everything about my past including the fights I had with my mum. At that point I was walking back alone. I go back to the bus Kirsten sits behind me and starts yelling at me about how I'm such a ***** and I don't know why I'm such a *****. I have like about twenty kids including adults staring at me. Long story short I don't pursue guys and I tend to think they're not attracted to me or will hurt me. It totally explains why when I tried to say hi to a guy I got so scared that nothing came out of my mouth. Anyway that experience really affected my view on potential men and I always assume the worst.