Coping Mechanism becomes . . . disorder?

All of my life I have been a teller of tales. I can weave a story like few people I know. I remember several times throughout my childhood when I made up stories about my parents or some random relative that astounded my social group, amazed my friends, and solidified other peoples opinion of my expertise. Often, when I was feeling unpopular or invisible, I would come up with some anecdote to boost my popularity; to make me be seen. The thing is, that over time I had to maintain these fabrications and exaggerations as truths, and eventually they became just that. My truths. To the point where I cannot remember what the embellishments were. As I got older (high school) the need to make up these stories reduced. I became myself and had some pretty awesome experiences and so the stories became less and less necessary.

Now, from time to time, I do still make up stories, but mostly for my kids. To help them understand different usually moral issues. It is often easier to tell a story in order to get ideas across. And this ability has worked very well for me in that context.

A few months ago I ended a 14month relationship. There were of course issues in the relationship. One issue was of intimacy. I am very physical. I like to kiss and cuddle and hug and wrestle and such. My partner did not share these inclinations. Several times and throughout the relationship I brought it to her attention that I was in need of affection. In need of intimacy. And when this issue was not resolved, among others, the relationship ended, and I began to be intimately involved with other women. In the last week, rumors have started flying about me having cheated on her, and I was instantly angered by this. But then a friend of mine brought it to my attention that I had been intimate with her during my now ended relationship.

I didn't remember.

According to her, we had been intimate every couple of months. Even in the apartment that I shared with my girlfriend.

And I didn't remember.

I remembered all of the details around these encounters. Trips to the gym. Lunches. Doing yard work for her folks. But I had no memory of having intercourse with her. I remembered the times before and after my relationship just fine, but nothing during my relationship. But how could that be?

It's as though the ability to generate a lie and believe it into truth has also given me the ability to take the truth and convince myself that it did not happen. I suppose in little ways I've always done it, and so I can't say it's not normal. But I know that it isn't healthy. And now the potential for having any sort of friendship with my ex is nonexistent.

Is this a disorder? Am i just selfish? Is this happening to anyone else? It's very difficult to talk about this with my friends. They are quick to call me a 'Player' and applaud the cheating behavior. I am not. I am disgusted by it. I know how I felt and feel about my ex. She is amazing and I love her. I understand I have to move on. But I am terrified that this same behavior with crop up in my next relationship. Help!? Has anyone had to deal with this?

I would get a therapist and figure this out.

Yeah. I get that part. I'm very concerned though that I'll spend all this time and money for a therepist to tell me that there is nothing there. I need to know if this is a real issue.

I can't say I've had this happen to me, but it sounds like you have a problem in your life that you're unable to deal with by yourself. Since I'm in therapy and making good progress, I'd suggest that you find a therapist and lay this all out for him/her. You're probably right that "the ability to generate a lie and believe it into truth has also given me the ability to take the truth and convince myself that it did not happen." A therapist will be able to help you sort this out and determine if it's a condition or not, and how to deal with it. Sending good thoughts your way ...

The woman you slept with told you it happened every couple of months. Why do you doubt it was real? I hope you will go see a therapist. If you need the therapist to tell you that you have a real issue, tell the therapist that and see what he/she says. I think you're looking for some validation? If you think you have a problem with this, that really is reason enough for you to see a therapist. It's what you think and that is causing problems for you that matters. Good luck.

My doubt is based solely on the fact that I cannot recall any details of these encounters. In my mind it truly is as if they never happened. A therapist really does seem like the way to go and I will look into finding one.

Sounds to me as though you have some disassociation going on. Something about sleeping with her triggered you so much, that you pushed the memory so far down that you couldn't remember any more. That disassociation can get really hairy sometimes, leading to some really bad outcomes. For your safety and health I would talk to your T about this to help you figure out if this is disassociation and if it is, what has triggered you so badly. Good Luck

Making up what you believe goes both ways. I had that problem. It's not really a disorder, just a pain, as you've seen. I saw a therapist and got more in tune with myself, what hurt, what felt good, etc. What you believe is not supposed to work as a shield, I don't think, but more like a compass. You let it get knocked about being used as a shield and the compass part can't work as well anynmore.

What you have is a "selective memory", which means there's something you're not facing.

I prescribe psychotherapy.

Its bothering you and effecting your life, that's an issue in itself.