It's catching up to me...failing life's tests

So, I'm at this 2 week temp job for this section 8 housing apt complex, where 97% of the tenants qualified as homeless or near homelessness.

From the words of all 3 staff property managers, the building is in unending mismanagement and nothing is accomplished in a timely manner for the tenants, or the building's maintenance for weather and safety.

In the week and 1 day that I've been there, the tenants have started to warm up to me (and me to them). They enjoy my white board trivia question (I invite them to give me a trivia question of their own, that I will write on the white board for the rest of the tenants to guess the answer to). That has been a great ice breaker, and way for me to connect and introduce myself.

But for what? As usual, I'm there on a temporary basis trying to extend it (no response from the managers or my temp agency recruiter). Every time I go on a temp job, I feel like that Greek fictional character named Sisyphus, the son of Aeolus, punished in Hades for his misdeeds in life by being condemned to the eternal task of rolling a large stone to the top of a hill, which is always rolled down again.

For 30 years I've rolled stones as a temporary contractor, trying to find a full-time career (and always failing). Never achieving success. Never realizing my full potential which is impossible to do when you're constantly in new work environments for short periods of time.

I can't live this way any longer. And every time someone at the company where I'm temping compliments my work ethic or the way I speak, or congrats me on my small achievements, or future fakes me, promising to help me with professional networking by providing me with professional contacts, I foolishly get my hopes up that they want to help me get off the hamster wheel that is temp work.

And yet here I am, eternally damned like Sisyphus to never reach my full-potential or make a positive impact in the business world with some skill or talent or expertise. I've burnt my bridges with my cynical attitude and refusal to be discreet with my sadness and frustration at my circumstances.

It's not like I haven't tried different approaches either.

It's catching up to me...failing life's tests.

I'm just really tired of failing. That's all.

You’ve been on my mind since I read this yesterday, I was thinking about what you wrote this morning when I struggled with what was supposed to be my long run. I hope you don’t mind my sharing.

I was aware that I too have a habit of holding myself up to expectations, life lessons, achievements. I’m not sure where it comes from. Anyhow, it can make me feel like a failure at times, like this morning. Yet inside I know that’s not what I truly believe life is about, a series of tests and measures.

I read your posts and I see a lot of strength and resourcefulness, the whiteboard trivia is a clever idea, and I see you as the kind of person who impacts positively on others. That to me seems like a lot of what life should be about.

I understand that it’s definitely frustrating not to have the job security of a permanent position and you do seem way over qualified for what this present role requires of you, but where you are to me now doesn’t seem like a failure of life’s tests, because you are out there making your living, being resourceful. I think you should be proud of yourself.

Thank you for your thoughtful and eloquently expressed post, @Discombobulated.

I'm sorry to read that you felt like a failure this morning.

Thank you for the compliment about my white board idea at this temp job. The homeless tenants seem to enjoy the trivia questions on the board, b/c some of them come up with the trivia questions. I think they like being validated by seeing their ideas on the community white board. I like to think that I positively impact others.

I think my challenge is that I'm an advocate at my core. I hold people accountable. And as we know, most people esp. leaders, HATE being held accountable for their mistreatment of others. So, when someone holds them accountable, they punish that person (abuse, job termination, etc.).

Maybe I need to apply for jobs that have work environments where my advocate-style-leadership is nurtured and supported, instead of invalidated and punished.

I relate as I'm sort of a voice here in a for profit corporation that I do not enjoy working at. A voice that management doesn't want to hear, and colleagues agree but are afraid to say.

I lived in a shelter, a group home, etc - that white board idea sounds SWEET!

I might be totally wrong but people are often mistrustful and suspicious of people who get jobs they over-qualify for. You’d think it shouldn’t be their business, but they question what’s this person’s problem that they are willing to do XYZ. It’s terrible but that’s often the case