Failing at therapy and life

I'm a wreck. I'm posting because I'm so lonely and I feel like I know people on this forum even if I drive everyone crazy. I feel like I drive everyone crazy in real life. My friends don't want me around anymore. Then again, they haven't said that outright and with my issues, it's very possible that they do want me around. But I don't think so. They criticize me a lot recently and call me "less than human" because the stuff I used to do that was quirky or unique is now crazy or insane in their eyes because of my hospitalization. They say that stuff in a joking way but it bothers me because I don't think they are completely joking. I could confront them about this, but nothing good would come of it. They'd just say I'm oversensitive and need to get over harmless joking because they are super narcissistic and openly pride themselves on never admitting to making mistakes. Which is weird to me. Why would you be proud of being self righteous and ignorant? Anyway, it's just not worth the fight. I thought I had great friends. Now I'm not so sure. I can see why they wouldn't want to be friends with me or why they treat me the way that they do. These aren't my best friends. My best friends are all in relationships or adjusting/loving going to a new college. They only seem to talk to me when they want to complain about their boyfriend and his friends.

LCM was going to skype with me today but she got stuck in traffic and had to cancel. This coupled with her not responding to my last email about meds makes me feel like I'm just an annoyance or a time strain on her. I'm a burden to my friends, I'm annoying to LCM, I'm annoying online, I'm annoying in DBT, TT doesn't care about me, and things are weird with school T. I don't want to die. I'm afraid of dying. I just can't think of anything that can take all my pain away that isn't harmful to myself. The only thing I have in my life right now is music and pokemon and I'm so glad that I at least have that. It isn't enough because it just lets me leave this reality. But the thing is that LCM is the same thing and all talking to her is going to do is make me feel like someone cares for an hour if she has the time and then leave me and I can't keep living like this and I don't know how to escape. I just let myself believe that some therapist can force me to escape but that's not true and all of this is just marking time because I can't do it.

LCM gave me four assignments this week:

1) To eat some fruit
2) To go to the gym just once for 20 mins
3) To call my mother just to pretend that I care about her life for 15 mins so she'll keep funding me
4) To hug someone

I failed. I couldn't do anything on the list. I don't even know why I couldn't. My mother didn't pick up the phone so that's on her. But the other three... I'm just a pitiful failure who doesn't even try to improve. I was brushing my teeth and feeling okay about that. Like I finally started to do something right and then I stumbled on an article online that referred to the importance of replacing your toothbrush and replacing it never occurred to me. I had been using the same one for like a year and I just... I can't do anything right so why bother even trying just to fail so embarrassingly? Why didn't that occur to me that I had to replace it? It occurred to me to replace the cork on my trumpets. It occurred to me to replace my mouthpiece brush. Why am I so clueless about everything outside of that?

((Growlithing))

You have a hard path. You didn't choose that and it's not your fault. Nevertheless, that is the path you must walk.

One step at a time. Don't look forward, don't look back. Fix your eyes on your own path and just keep going.

Just because you feel like a failure at things doesn't mean that you are a failure at things.

At your age I didn't know that about toothbrushes either. How would you or I know if parents didn't teach us? Stumble on it, that's how! But you were taught properly by your music teachers and so you know those things that you mentioned.

Because your music teachers taught you properly and your parents didn't.

Now, though, you are learning. You might feel embarrassed and inadequate about the toothbrush, but now you know what to do. You are learning.

I know that you are trying. Keep on trying!

Go to an animal shelter and play/pet/hug a puppy that way you did that. Can you drink a smoothie instead of eating a fruit? Tomorrow leave a voice mail for your mom asking how's things there and let voicemail pick up on your end. You're not a failure at life have you wrote to your TT that s/he has to help you be comfortable enough to tell her/him deeper answers than you're currently.

I don't understand why. Well, no I do understand why because I believe that life is a random accident and the fact that I was born into the family with the genetics I do actually has no reason. It's just what happened. Other people might have a religious answer to that question and that's fine. You're entitled to your beliefs, I just don't share them. But in keeping with my own beliefs, the "why" doesn't even actually matter. All that matters is what I do from here. But even intellectually understanding that doesn't save me from feeling like I was cut a raw deal and I shouldn't have to deal with all of this and my life shouldn't be such a disaster. And sitting around, whining about how unfair life is and feeling sorry for myself is wrong too.

One step at a time but without looking forward. I can't walk down the road without being paranoid about stepping on ice, falling on my face, or someone walking behind me. How do I do that? Don't I have to plan for the future and account for the past? Plus the current is really awful so why would I want to be here anyway? Probably more comfortable with the pretend.

I guess today in rehearsal, the conductor gave us some context for the music we were playing and briefly went on a tangent about the purpose of music. Is music supposed to be purely for the sake of entertainment or is it supposed to challenge ideas? He ended up saying "I think the answer to that question varies and doesn't have a set answer, but for me, I strongly believe that good music is not supposed to make you comfortable". Now, whether or not you agree with him on the topic of the function of music isn't important. But I imagine that the same debate could be had about life in general. People living maybe not happy but at least emotionally and intellectually fulfilling lives probably would tell me that life isn't supposed to be comfortable. If it were supposed to be comfortable, we would have never left the womb.

I'm talking myself in circles

I like M. Mom's suggestion to leave a voicemail for mom just to check it off your list.
I have never really gotten along w/dad but I'm trying to keep at least a minimal relationship, I'm not even sure I know why. Everyone tells me I "should". Which I think is BS. So I often use the voicemail strategy too. Your situation with the parents is more extreme. Calling and leaving a voicemail is a good solution. If I were you, I'd purposely call when I knew they were not home.

If you do even 1 thing on the list it is a "win". I don't think anyone expects you to do it all at once.

I know music is your blood, but you seem to be a good visual artist too. Ever consider taking an informal class like continuing education, just for fun? I have found that classes of any kind seem to attract kind, intelligent people. Cooking, drawing etc---it can be done in a no pressure environment. Classes are usually pretty cheap.

For an even more informal setting to sketch and draw, with a cheap cover charge and no commitment needed to stay or return check out "Dr Sketchy's"-- Branch Profile I have been to the one in Minneapolis but they are all over the country. It is relaxed, fun, no pressure, just funny and entertaining and there are good people there. Sketchy's employes an MC/DJ and that person introduces burlesque performers that pose so you can sketch them. Lots of non-pros/hobbyists attend and you can bring your own paper or they supply it and crayons. It is super fun.

I only mention these things to help you get out of your own head. I have a problem with ruminating too. My main T always tells me…."baby steps"!

The other day, I was being careless and drank a bottle of pineapple pop without reading the label until after it made me throw up because I can't handle 80grams of sugar. I think a smoothie would be pushing it. But I have this thing that crushes pre frozen fruit into an ice cream consistency without adding any extra sugar and it's awesome. I'd need to freeze fruit and make sure my roommate didn't get rid of it because it made a horrific mess.

Well I called her. She didn't pick up and then later texted me "I'm available now". I got this text in class and it annoyed me. Like wow thanks for the heads up that you're available. Never mind that you haven't called me in 7 weeks but I'm expected to be the one to call you. Let me just stop my life and drop everything because you're available. Then she later emailed me talking about her life anyway. She's like "your sister is getting her wisdom teeth out on Friday" and if I were to make a list of things I don't care about, my sister's teeth is definitely on that list. And I don't even mean that in a "I hate my sister" way. I mean that in a "why do you never talk about anything but my sister?" way. I have a brother. And it's like... I never talk about my siblings in therapy beyond that they exist and I feel somewhat responsible for them. I never mention them by name. They are just "my brother" or "my sister". LCM had lots of contact with my mother when I was residential. She probably talked to her for like an hour each week because my mom would just harass her about money and me. But I was residential for 10 weeks and one day, LCM addressed my sister by name. It was jarring because I didn't know she knew it and she disclosed that my mom told her my sister's name because she talks about her a lot. The next session, she asked me what my brother's name is. 10 weeks and my mom doesn't talk about my brother enough to give him a name??? And then all of her emails are about my sister and the books she reads and her ACT scores and her tooth pain. She mentions my guinea pigs. Never my brother. She is so concerned with my relationship with my sister. She wants me to call her and email her and text her and all of this stuff and then doesn't care if I have a relationship with my brother...? Why is he forgotten about? Why is she your top priority over everything? Why?

I don't care about her. I don't want to hear about her life. I'm sick of hearing about it. I don't want to hear about your money "problems" and I don't want to hear about my sister because it reminds me how she is the redo daughter that you always wanted and I also ****ing can't stand the values and morals you brainwash her with and then refuse to take responsibility for. I don't want to hear about some "funny" racist thing she said or how she's crying because she thinks she's an idiot because she can't get a perfect on her ACT. Tell me instead about how open minded she is and accepting of everyone regardless of race, gender, sexuality, disability, anything. Tell me instead how she understands that her value is far greater than her ACT score because you don't need to be perfect in this world to be successful and people live full and happy lives graduating from every college and even from no education at all. I don't want to hear about all of the things you brainwashed her into believing that is damaging to her psyche. I got enough of it growing up and watching you corrupt someone else within the boundaries of the law and it's sickening to me and frustrating that I can't do anything about it because the girl is so close minded that I can't challenge her on anything. Seriously. She tried to have an argument with me that Beethoven is bland and people who listen to Beethoven are socially inept and dull and that everyone who listens to rock is "retarded". And she also tried to argue with me and a group of other college kids that Catcher in the Rye was a horrible book with no substance and Holden Caulfield was an idiot who didn't have a reason to be depressed and after she compared Obama to Tabasco sauce and my mom applauded it, I gave up trying to challenge her.

I apologize for just going on a complete tangential rant but I haven't talked to anyone about that stuff in weeks because I just closed down so I let it come out. I haven't written the letter yet.

Thanks. I do draw a lot. I have TONS of drawing references online that I use. I find them along with pages of potential other coping skills and then bookmark them. The issue is always deciding what to draw. There are 718 pokemon so that's usually a good place for me to start but I like drawing some more than others like the ones in my icon. LCM commented that all of my drawings are very happy which contrasts hugely with my emotional state and basically everything else I do. The music I listen to isn't happy. The music I'm better at playing is either angry or sad. The stuff I watch isn't happy and as everyone who has ever read my posts knows, the things I write are excessively depressing. And yet, when I draw/do art things, it usually ends up looking like this http://25.media.tumblr.com/a9e0916fb...8ytro1_500.jpg (I did that one last week and it took me like 6 hours because I drew it by hand, scanned it in my computer and retraced and colored it on microsoft paint. And yes, it has my blog url on it and I don't care). I mean. They are just simply enjoying each other's company and everything visual I do is like that and LCM is right, it's strikingly out of character and I don't know where that comes from within me.

You just need to "fake" a connection to your mom to keep up funding. I know it is hard but try to put up a wall around that---she isn't worth your extra thoughts about this. If it helps, you could write down all the ways she has wronged you, your family and others. Keep those note and when you are one day independent from her, you can write one hell of a "how -you-have-affected-me" letter.

I don't know if the following story will help but here it goes…My first boss in my design career was/is the most horrendous, narcissistic, lying, racist, selfish human being I have ever met and probably ever will meet. She made my life miserable. She made comments about my weight in front of my coworkers. She lied to me constantly. She practically made a game out of denying me raises and vaca time I had rightfully earned.

For a time, therapy was consumed with ranting about this witch. My T one day said quietly that maybe I am spending too much energy thinking about people who don't deserve it and not enough time thinking about those I love and love me. I needed to be careful not to define myself by who I hated.

Bottom line, your mom doesn't deserve your energy. Focus on you, those helping you, those you care about if you can.

It's a really neat style and worth exploring. Maybe you need both music and art to express both sides of the same coin. Microsoft paint is hard to use compared to a pro tool like photoshop so it is impressive that you got the look that you did. For me, microsoft paint is like trying to draw with my left hand, so you should feel proud.

It's exactly like trying to draw with your left hand. It just takes a LOT of eraser work and having drawn it by hand first made it possible because I was tracing.

Music is art. Just had to be a **** about that sorry. But it is weird because I do not feel that way in life. The other side of my coin is dark humor and sarcasm, not light joy. I play happy music too. I'm just not as good as it because I can't connect to it.

LCM said she thinks Pokemon is my happy place and when I draw Pokemon, it is happy. She's probably right. Despite what I wrote earlier, maybe I actually do have a lighter part of me. I am easy to please and get really excited over trivial things like the weather and trains and planes but not boats. I like animals and I have a weird thing for maps and geography (but I figured that out and it has a dark undertone). I get really excited at interior design and furniture that incorporates storage systems in very tidy, innovative ways where everything has its own designated place which is also weird because I live in a pig sty and "dumpster dive" for pizza crusts off my floor. I can look at pictures of storage beds for hours. The best is luxury personal jets and the crazy luxury airlines they have in Asia. Oh my god where they each have their own personal little booth like a compact hotel in the air...?!! Completely amazing. I am amazed. I love it. I also love the idea of the glass train in Alaska because it's a glass train in Alaska which is very far away on my map and it is a train with huge windows and Alaska is northern enough to see the northern lights which would be the absolute most amazing thing because of all the colors and... I don't know why I'm talking about this. Maybe it is refreshing to hear me get excited or happy about something instead of talking about death for a change. But I guess I have something happy somewhere. It just comes out at odd moments.

Your image made me smile. Thanks!

Thanks for enjoying it. Maybe I should try to come up with a list of things I like instead of just going on about how horrible everything is. But I guess that could be a little bit like going into a pokemon dream world because none of that stuff I can have in reality. I first off don't want to own a private jet or a train. I just like seeing them. I can't have a storage bed because it's expensive, I weigh a lot, and I suck at organization. But here I am taking the stuff I enjoy (as weird as they are) and criticizing it. Maybe I should try to make a list WITHOUT giving reasons as to why it is weird/odd/impossible or looking for a tragic backstory.

Yes, it is.
Didn't mean to imply anything--I'm just in the habit of shortening "visual art" to art or just using "design". Just word laziness on my part.

I have zero musical ability but it is an impressive skill to have and beyond my full understanding.

ps thinking about things you want plants a seed in your head. This somehow leads you to what you want. I don't mean "magical thinking" like The Secret, BS. I mean that somehow by keeping your dreams in mind and things that excite you in mind it subconsciously steers you into actions that bring you closer to what you want.

Part of my therapy journey has involved imagining What do I want from T ideally? OK maybe he can't be my real dad but we have somehow built "the essence" of what that relationship would feel like.

Same thing with work. My work involves two things I thought I'd have to choose between--a love of animals and love of design/illustration. Somehow by keeping involved in both my career has merged these 2 things.

I don't know if I can explain it well, follow your bliss no matter how small or offbeat it seems. It has a way of leading to better things in way that seems like pure serendipity.

I can't find it, but there is a quote about listening to that quiet inner voice and to follow it; your intuition is trying to tell you something.

Ok, I'm going to try to give you an alternative perspective on your mom's text and email.

To start - my mom and I have a pretty superficial relationship on my end. We do not talk about my life, unless I choose to share something (which I rarely do.. and when I do it's about work). When we talk, it's her tell me about her job and other family members.

It's boring as hell, but isn't it preferable over talking abour our own lives and havin to worry about the criticism that will be aimed our way? (with my mom, it's more a worry over what she will say to other people as her interpretations are always skewed). When she asks me a lot of questions, I view it as prying and an invasion. So.... sticking to "safe" topics works best.

My mom's also learned over the years that by being overly nosey that I will cease contact, just as I will cease contact if she gets on my case about something.

Perhaps your mom is learning that you don't respond well to her prying. Also, when she just knows that you tried to contact her, it's usually assumed that the person making contact wants to know about the other person and not have a list of questions thrown their way. She doesn't know what you wanted from her, so at least she put in the effort to give you something. Her "I'm available now" is just a signal that she got your message and was open.

Sure, they're pretty poor efforts, but the two of you have a very strained relationship (which is expected with your experiences growing up). But it was an effort. She has no way to know that you only called to satisfy what your life coach asked you to do. She might have even not contacted you because she knows that you don't want contact - you (understandably) avoided contact with them as much as possible while you were there over Christmas, which is a pretty big "don't talk to me at all" signal. By not contacting you, she might be trying to respect your boundaries.

Sure, I know it's a long shot... but you don't know what's actually in your mom's brain any more than I know what's in my mom's brain. Or anyone else's brain. I find it a loooot easier to try and view things in the more positive light. Does it mean that it will get better? Nope. But at least the way things are with my mom right now makes life tolerable - I can satisfy her desire to have contact with me while also keeping my personal life and boundaries out of it.

You could possibly make your life a lot easier if you start learning to think about things in a different light. There's always different ways to interpret things, and it's easy to always assume the very worst interpretations when that's what we're used to doing.

hi, i just learned the new t I am see is also an art therapist, and I have been drawing my feelings and things I cant verbalize for a while, some i took to session with old t , the others I put away, i took some to this new t, and she was very happy as i said she is an art t as well.

Drawing is a good way to start with your tt, you dont have to talk just draw how you feel and give it to her. As far as saying tt and school t does not care about you, that imo is projection going on.

If a t told me to pretend to like my mom, so she could keep funding me, ( this is just me) and I would be going through what you went through with her. I would have a very very hard time with that, because (to me) that is sending me mixed messages. Its not reality to me, its like ok, I hate my mom because she has done all these things to me, and thats why Im so messed up right now, our relationship is still messed up, we havent processed that yet , or worked on it.(really) because you dont really let anyone in to help you, then I have lcm telling me "ok pretend to like her for 15 minutes so you could continue to get money"

I understand that you need them financially, but regardless if you make that call or not she is going to help you anyway, which is ok, you need to be in school. (this is just me) I would have a major mix up in my head about this, and I am not saying you should, I guess lcm knows what she is doing , I hope, but that would not work for me. Please eat right, you have our support here.

I went to DBT and talked about the issues I was having with the group (feeling like an outsider and that none of them care about anything I say and that all I am is annoyingly negative. The T said I was difficult at the beginning but now I'm starting to warm up and get less "prickly" and he is enjoying watching that. I dunno. It didn't really help because what I got from it is that I come off as very dislikable and the other group members agreed to that. None of them would say I'm not annoying or that they like having me there. One of them even cut me off to change the topic to something else. I wasn't even talking a lot. I went over our allotted 4 mins by 3 mins because of the T wanting to address why I missed last time.

I don't know. I'm having a horrible day. I didn't go to my session with school T for the first time ever. She called and was concerned. I just don't feel like talking and I don't want to be put on the spot again today. There is this weird knot of anxiety in my chest and I don't want to leave my room

About your group members not answering whether you were annoying or whether they liked having you there . . . they aren't there for you. They are there for themselves, and being put on the spot by whoever posed those questions was bound to be very uncomfortable for them.

You are going to have to decide that you need to be (notice I didn't say want to be) there to learn and hone those skills for yourself. No excuses about how you don't like what the other people talk about, or they don't like you, etc. You need to do this so you can begin coping with and eventually enjoying this life of yours. Are you ready to make the choice to work and help yourself? That is the real question here.

I didn't directly ask that. I said how I was feeling and no one said it was untrue so I took it as validation of my concerns.

Do I need to? Yes. Am I ready? How do you know if you're ready or not?

You might never know you're ready. You just do it anyway.

I don't know how you will know when you are ready.

For me it was a choice and a decision. The decision that I would not be satisfied living and feeling the way I was. It was the decision to do whatever it took to improve my life in the long run. It was the decision to work hard in therapy no matter how painful or frightening it was so I could move forward in life instead of staying stuck in my misery. It was the choice to walk through the fire knowing eventually I would come out on the other side.

Is my life perfect now? Is it pain free now? Hell no. But it is multitudes better now than when I started this journey.

It won't be easy, but you do have to want it bad enough to do the hard work.

Whoa. The LAST thing anyone would do in a therapeutic setting is tell someone that their FEELINGS are WRONG. You feel whatever you feel. They are not responsible for your feelings. If you then go on to take THEIR SAYING NOTHING as acknowledgment? YOU are doing that - they are literally doing NOTHING. DBT isnt a place for that kind of interaction to begin with. You know all this, right? I prefer to see this as a lapse!

the person who cut you off probably has interpersonal problems of their own. Maybe it doesn't matter that you were talking, maybe they would have cut off anyone talking.

Going to therapy when you least feel like it can be really productive.

I probably should have gone to see school T today because LCM called me and I opened up to her about stuff and it made me feel more connected to other people and just better. Like someone cares for me. It probably helped that she ended up listening to me for an hour and forty minutes because she said she felt like I just desperately needed to talk and she wanted to hear what I had to say. She also seriously sucks at keeping track of time. We finally came up with a consistent, weekly appointment time. She seemed to be a little bit anxious about doing that. I told her that I get that's she's a flawed human being and that's okay, but she needs to at least try to be more consistent with me. I'm a flawed person obviously too, but I work very hard striving to become more consistent in my job so my conductors/audience/clients can rely on me and I think it is fair to expect her to do the same with her job.

I just love her so much. You guys criticize her all the time but it's so hard for me to just overlook everything and run with her. No one else in my life would let me talk for an hour and forty minutes and be compassionate the whole time, asking to hear more from me.