[birdyblues]

Hey y'all. A couple of years ago when I was struggling the most, my parents made me try therapy. The goal was to have someone to tell me how to cope with my emotions, because my parents and I didn't know how to deal with me anymore. I gave therapy a fair go.

However, each session would look like this: My father would email in to my therapist about a fight we'd had, or something I'd said or done that he didn't like. Then, when I had my therapy session, my therapist would tell me everything my father had told her that I did. She'd tell me where I went wrong and what I should've done. I began to feel that I had no privacy anymore. Nothing I said to my parents could be safe or private anymore and anything that came out of my mouth was scrutinized by my parents and my therapist. I already had to deal with fighting with my parents, and then I had to relive it in therapy. When I got upset about this, my therapist told me that I'm upset because I need to stop drinking coffee completely and to meditate more often. I tried telling my therapist that I do meditate everyday and had quit coffee but was still terribly depressed and anxious. Even then, my therapist would tell me it was probably because I was lying about having quit coffee and wasn't meditating enough. Sometimes, I think that if one more person tells me to meditate more to fix myself, I will just tear out my hair. This was about 4 years ago. Since then, I quit therapy and gave up hope of trying to get better.

But recently, I find that I want to move on and I want to try and be happy somehow. But I can't help but remember what happened and feel that I've already failed. I'm not sure if I should just give up or what anymore

[CANDC]

@birdyblues welcome to MSF - I am sorry you do not see eye to eye with your father. It is difficult to break away and have an independent sense of self.

I am not impressed with the therapist's approach. All the therapists I have had interactions with would accept info from another party of the client but not throw it in their face and tell them what they did wrong. To me a good therapist listens to your side of the story and maybe tries to get you to look at how you could cope with your feelings.

There are many videos on youtube of mindfulness and coping with anger if that is the way you want to go. When you are able to get your father to change therapists, or pay for your own therapist, it may be an option that leaves you feeling more hopeful.

I try to never give up trying. Even if I fail I continue to try new things to help. Even an apparent failure can teach us things.

One question I ask myself is what is the most important thing to me. That may hold some clues as to being happy for you.

@CANDC

[Rose76]

Maybe "therapy" isn't the answer. I did a lot of it myself. Whenever I made progress, it wasn't thanks to therapy.

I think most therapists mean well. Often they just don't have anything to offer you that will make a difference. In your case, that therapist was working for your father . . . not you. Maybe your father was paying for the sessions.

If you are experiencing excess mental turmoil, then something in your approach to life is not working for you. You probably need to create more space between your parents and yourself. They're not going to change. You're not going to talk them into treating you differently. Sometimes the most powerful way to react to a situation is to not react to it. Your father sounds kind of babyish. (He tattled on you to your counselor.) He probably knows how to push your buttons. Try under-responding. When someone can set you off, you're conceding control to them. You don't have to.

[indigo1015]

Your therapist sounds terrible.

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[birdyblues]

I definitely do need to create more space between my parents and myself. I guess it's just hard to know how to even start to do that because as a kid, you want your parent to have all the answers. I know my parents are only human and I can't force change on them. But I do wish that even if they don't understand or don't have the skills to help me they could've pointed me towards someone who actually knew how to help me. But I do like the idea of being able to have some amount of control over the situation...even if it means not reacting how I want to

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by birdyblues

I definitely do need to create more space between my parents and myself. I guess it's just hard to know how to even start to do that because as a kid, you want your parent to have all the answers. I know my parents are only human and I can't force change on them. But I do wish that even if they don't understand or don't have the skills to help me they could've pointed me towards someone who actually knew how to help me. But I do like the idea of being able to have some amount of control over the situation...even if it means not reacting how I want to

Personal power is rooted in self-control. When others can "get a rise out of you," whenever they decide to push one of your buttons, you are at their mercy. Your personal thoughts and feelings about any given matter are your own business. You don't have to automatically share them in an outburst. Try making yourself more mysterious. Give your parents something to wonder about.

Your parents don't have all the answers. They have problems of their own that they are having trouble managing. You seem intelligent. There may be nobody who's going to be a great life coach for you. You may have to figure a lot out for yourself. That tends to be true, if you're an original thinker who doesn't easily accept what others say.

[Nammu]

A therapist is supposed to be your advocate not your fathers. I suggest you look for a therapist who is there for you and who does not take information from your family. Even if your father is paying for it, it’s supposed to be your therapist. Many child therapists out there would never allow this.

[birdyblues]

Originally Posted by CANDC

@birdyblues welcome to MSF - I am sorry you do not see eye to eye with your father. It is difficult to break away and have an independent sense of self.

I am not impressed with the therapist's approach. All the therapists I have had interactions with would accept info from another party of the client but not throw it in their face and tell them what they did wrong. To me a good therapist listens to your side of the story and maybe tries to get you to look at how you could cope with your feelings.

There are many videos on youtube of mindfulness and coping with anger if that is the way you want to go. When you are able to get your father to change therapists, or pay for your own therapist, it may be an option that leaves you feeling more hopeful.

I try to never give up trying. Even if I fail I continue to try new things to help. Even an apparent failure can teach us things.

One question I ask myself is what is the most important thing to me. That may hold some clues as to being happy for you.

@CANDC

Thank you for your advice. I did kinda feel like everything I was doing wrong was being thrown in my face. But my struggles with mental health made and makes life so hard for my parents, so I never wanted to assume that after all I put them through, that what's important to me even matters anymore

[birdyblues]

Originally Posted by Nammu

A therapist is supposed to be your advocate not your fathers. I suggest you look for a therapist who is there for you and who does not take information from your family. Even if your father is paying for it, it’s supposed to be your therapist. Many child therapists out there would never allow this.

I always secretly thought it was crazy that my therapist always seemed to believe everything my father said. My therapist seemed to believe my father over me every time and never even asked or confirmed with me if any of it was even true. Good to know not all therapists are like this..