Living with the Unlivable

I have no hope left in my life and it's entirely my fault.

I gave up a life that I loved, and even though I've come to understand all of the twisted psychological reasons why I did it, I cannot live with it. I absolutely hate myself for it. I am completely and utterly disgusted by my own actions. It eats at me every waking moment. I cannot understand how I could have voluntarily destroyed a life that I wanted and had worked so hard for, no matter what unhealthy factors were at play.

This has stolen all the faith I had in life, in the universe, in God and in myself. I don't know how to go on living this way. I know it's unhealthy, but the only thing that gives me comfort is the thought of dying. Nothing I try works, I think I'm making progress and then end up right back at square one. What am I supposed to do with this? How do I accept that the only reason I don't have everything I ever wanted is one terrible self-destructive choice?

I don't know how you are going to forgive yourself, but that is what you need to do.

Beating yourself up over and over again about the past mars the present moment and steals from the future. It becomes a never-ending cycle.

Have you heard of radical self-acceptance?

How to Practice Radical Acceptance


" Radical acceptance is based on the notion that suffering comes not directly from pain, but from one's attachment to the pain."

You might ask yourself what are the benefits or pay-offs you are getting out of beating yourself up? Of holding on to the pain?


It could be that you don't move forward and thus avoid risk of future failure.

It could be out of guilt to fully be yourself, so you've engaged in self-punishment.

It could be misdirected anger towards yourself when that anger ought to be directed at another person (i.e. your father), but the guilt you feel in becoming yourself and a free individual is so overwhelming that you prefer to remain stuck.

Perhaps you could consult a good psychologist to start unravelling the knot and solving the puzzle.

There's not much worse than loss of faith... that is a terrible price you are paying.

You might not feel this now but there’s every possibility that there are other good times ahead, a different future to the one you planned but a worthwhile one.