[silver_queen]

So i'm home from university now for the next three weeks, and though it's good to get away from the academic pressures of university, i still have pressures at home as well. Basically I am not doing as well as I should at uni because of my depression but though I have told my dad a little about my depression, he doesn't know that I am struggling to complete university work due to lack of motivation - he believes that depression can be overcome by "positive thinking" so if i think positive thoughts, everything should be ok, eh? He wants me to be one of the best students there, with the best marks, to be better than other students, etc. Good thing is that I am good at my languages, so I do well - just at the moment, my work doesnt reflect my ability because I can't be bothered and don't have the concentration to spend a long time on it. But my dad wants to hear that I am doing well and asks me lots of questions about how I am doing and how I am compared to other students, and I am constantly nervous around him in case he asks something that throws me off-guard and shows that I am not doing as well as I say. So it's not a particularly relaxing time, being at home.

Also at home the computer I use is in the main family room so I can't come on this site or the other site I mod when he is in the same room because they are both depression sites and he doesn't use the internet much so I don't think he would understand the use of this site. I dont want to show him the forums since I dont think he would be impressed that I am visiting a mental health site. Also I like to keep what i read on this site and my replies private. So I am always listening out for what he is doing around the house and ready to switch to a 'suitable' site (French news, at the moment) in case he comes into the room suddenly.

Not only can I not spend as much time on the internet, but I also can't read the books I love to read either. My dad believes that in doing activities such as reading books, you should learn things from them. The same applies to the TV. So I love reading fantasy books and other fiction books (I love fiction) but he prefers non-fiction, and I can't read the books I like (especially fantasy) in his presence since he would describe them as 'junk' or 'rubbish' and something along the lines of since I am a university student, I shouldn't be reading such 'trivia' or 'children's stories' (ok I like reading children's stories too, but he thinks Tolkien's Lord of the Rings is a children's story too). If I did try reading them in public I would feel guilty and wouldn't be able to concentrate on them properly. He would prefer that I read non-fiction, and though I agree that non-fiction is far more useful to my life than fiction, I do find a lot of it quite boring, and I find reading fiction relaxes me and allows me to escape from the guilty feelings etc, that I mentioned before. For example, he would like that I continue reading a book about the history of the Zulus in South Africa, and though I did find the book interesting when I started reading it at Christmas, I would rather read one of my favourite fiction books. I think limiting my time to reading late at night (from 10-11pm onwards) doesn't help me much since I spend a lot of my time when in the house bored because I am missing reading my books and wishing that I could read them without feeling stupid for reading them.

Anyway, I am sorry this is so long. It just makes me feel better writing it all out,knowing that somebody else will read it (hopefully!) lol. Thanks for letting me complain .

Sweetie, I'm sorry that your visit home isn't turning out well and that your father puts so much pressure on you. Have you told him how he makes you feel? I certainly know how difficult that can be. Is he an understanding man? If he is and you haven't already talked to him about these issues, I highly recommend that you do. And even if he isn't, it might still be a good idea if can do it. And if you can't, don't feel bad. I had a very difficult setting boundaries with my father. Well, at first I did. He suprised me and made it easy. Whatever you decide, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can find some time to enjoy your dad. Take care hun.

Ry

[h0kie]

(((((silver)))))

I'm sorry visiting home isn't a fun experience. One of these days, he won't be able to tell you what to do. Won't that be fun? You can sit in your own home and read whatever you like.

Thinking of you and wishing you a relaxing break.

we all have favorite things that we say we're going to do when we move away from our parent's home.....and since it is "his" home, you feel obligated to do as he wishes...........in my case, when i moved away to school, i said i would never can peaches again as long as i lived.......and you can surround yourself with dozens of fiction books and read two or three at one time!!

Dang, I forgot the ((((((((((Silver))))))))))

Ry

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((((((((Silver)))))))))))))))))))

Next break, come visit us! You can read all the fiction books you like and chat on the computer until daybreak . . . or even later haha.

Sorry you are having a rough time Silver. I hope it gets better for you as time goes on. Perhaps in the meantime, you can get a book cover for a couple books? I knew a lady who liked romance but was embarrassed by the covers so she made cute little book covers so she could still read the books and not worry about it. I dunno though. I hope it works out well for you.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Silver))))))))))))))))))))))))

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((( silver ))))))))))))))))))))))) i'm sorry for all the differences at home as compared to school i live by my routine and when that's messed up, i'm messed up

i hope how soon you get back to your routine and the freedom to do the things that you love.

could you tell your father that you have to get back to study for exams and need to library at school or something frequently, and cut the visit one week short?

i wish you well sweetie,

love,

[sierralover]

Hi Silver I dont know you as yet though I have read a few of your posts and find you to be a great human being. Parents unfourtunately can be rough on you. My hubby whose father passed away last August is still seeking approval from him. Tho he is getting better at the realization that it will not come from him ever. My husband is a great artist and we hope to open our own business soon. His works in silver and gold. Sorry if this long. He did not work the same job his father did, he has not bought a house, he married a woman who could not give him children, and he is short of money alot. LOL I love this man dearly and he loves me which pulls me thru my tough times. Anyhow, same thing I told him is that no matter what he does his itegrity (sp?) is his own and he does well even though he gets depressed at times. Anyhow I am sorry I AM rambling and making no sense here I would guess. I really hope that someday you can free yourself to be yourself without feeling that you need to please all. (((((silver))))) I really do wish you the very best and hope to see you again here soon and feeling better. Linda

[Wants2Fly]

Hi SQ -- Talk about thought police! And I understand completely, bec. I'm middle-aged and I cowtow to my mom. It's the way I was raised.

Is it possible for you to bustle about, look cheerful -- and then take off for a library or a bookstore or coffee shop to do your reading and internet time?

I hope you find some ways "out" of this situation. Some breathing (and reading) room.

(((((((((((((((((SilverQueen))))))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

My father used to get so angry when he saw me reading a book he didn't approve of But he was no "angel" I am sorry you are feeling this pressure, parents suck sometimes, grrrr .... at least mine did

Bearhugs,
Fuzzy

my mother used to become like a raging bull if i wanted to visit anyone but her when i came home from college.....these were my highschool friends and we wanted to talk about college, boys, clothes, etc. it would hurt my feelings horribly for her to treat me like a little child.....i hope you're having a better day today.......i second all the suggestions that others have given you....xoxoxo pat

Sorry you're going through this silver queen. Like some others have said- I hope you can find sometime to get out and read what you enjoy, and visit us here on the forum.
Take care and hope this break time goes fast for you!!

((((( Silver queen )))))

Mandy

[silver_queen]

Hey everyone, thanks for all the replies, I appreciate them .

(((((((((((((Ryan)))))))))))))
No, I have never talked to him about it, and nor do I particularly want to. He gets very much 'fixed' in his opinions and it's kind of hard to get him to change his mind about things. He's very determined and ambitious, and I personally find it hard to stand up to him over anything other than minor things. I know nothing will change if I don't talk to him about it, but it's difficult for me to do so. It doesn't help that the times when I do try standing up to him about things or argue a point with him, I end up crying, and I don't mean to cry and really try not to but i can't help and of course, then i can't argue back and i lose the argument.

(((((((((((((1day)))))))))))))
Thanks 1day for encouraging me to look to the future . Thanks.

(((((((((((((Pat))))))))))))))
I do read a lot when I'm at school, which is why I miss it so much when I'm at home, lol. I think I also understand about your mother acting like she did when you came home in the holidays, because when I was younger my dad complained a lot about me going out anywhere, whether it was with my aunt or cousin, or just going over to my friend's house. It made me reluctant to ask him stuff like if I could go and sleep over at hers, when she invited me. Still, it's not as bad anymore but he still resists me doing things like that.

((((((((((((((((((((wantto))))))))))))))))))))
That's a cool idea! But then I would have to go to the trouble of making covers, lol. I had never thought of doing that though. It's something to consider .

((((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))
Thanks for the hugs!

((((((((((((((((((((Kimmy))))))))))))))))))))
It would be great if I could go back one week early and stay at home for two weeks rather than three, but I have to work for three weeks at Easter as part of my contract with the job company, so I have to stay here . Maybe the time will go quickly or something, lol.

(((((((((((Sierra)))))))))))
Thanks for writing about your husband, I found it interesting to read and wasn't too long at all. I hope that maybe in the future I will be able to distance myself more from my dad. It is kind of hard to explain but we are very close and much of what I do, I do in an effort not to displease him, but I try to live my own life at the same time lol and keep it quiet. Maybe in the future I will find some way of lessening his influence over me.

(((((((((((Wants2Fly)))))))))))
I could do that, but he always asks me where I am going. One good thing is that during the day I will be free to come onto the internet anyway since he will be at work. It's the weekends that I don't have much time to get online, and he expects that many things that he does - going shopping, going for a walk, etc - I'll want to do, and since I enjoy them, I do participate, even though sometimes I don't want to go out, etc.

(((((((((((Ozzie))))))))))
Thanks .

(((((((((((2b1better)))))))))))))
Thanks .

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. I'm sorry I answered you all in one post rather than individially, I hope nobody minds. Though I can't help but think I sound like a spoiled brat or something, writing all this complaining about my dad, when I go to university, have a good family, share a car etc. I really hope I don't come across that way, because I am appreciative of what I have and I know I am lucky to have such chances. It's just that it puts me under pressure to succeed and do well and such.

[Eva1nder]

((((((((silver_queen)))))))))))

Just wanted to offer some support. You're often quite in chat, but VERY supportive to many here. You made me feel very welcome right off the bat.

Anyways, I know how you feel. I went to the shore this weekend with my family. I love my family very much. Wouldn't trade them for anyone, but it's difficult to be with them for an entire weekend with the way that I'm feeling.

So I understand how it feels for you. You're routine is especially important because it helps you get through this rough time...be it this website or books you want to read.

You're dad might have an especially hard time understanding your depression and even resist because he is scared of it because of how much he does love you.

I do hope you are doing better.

Take care
*hugs*
Eva

[Wants2Fly]

Silver Queen -- I think what you are going through is fairly normal. University is the time when many young people move away from parents, have their first experiences forming a totally separate identity. Coming home, where you are once again a "child," imposes many expectations. Learning to "stand up" to parents -- if it hasn't been part of earlier teen years, possibly even rebellion -- can be very difficult. I'm 57 and still scared to "speak up" to my mom -- even though she is clearly failing and needs it.

I agree with those who say how supportive you are. Definitely.

(((((((((((((((((SilverQueen)))))))))))))))))

[silver_queen]

Thanks (((((((((((eva)))))))))))) and ((((((((((((Wants2Fly))))))))))).

What you both say is true. Eva, I agree that he is probably in denial about my depression. Last year my depression was a lot worse than this and he didn't understand then either. Wants2Fly, I understand about the identity. I never rebelled or anything, and I'm just as close to him now as when I was younger. Not that that is a bad thing I guess, especially since I know many people do not have a satisfactory relationship with their parents. Many of the decisions I take however are biased since I always think about what my dad will say when I tell him about an action I have done, or something I have bought, etc. It's all geared around his approval I suppose. I guess university is a place where I can start creating my own identity. Maybe it will allow me to be more independent and to work off my own initiative more.