[perhapsbelligerent]

i lost my family a few years back. My dad died when i was 19, and my mom just died a few years ago. I'm a only child, and most of my distant family died when i was young, the rest have never met me, and i dont even know how to go about looking for them.

i also went into prison pretty much the day my mother died, and spent 2 years there. when i got out most of my friends had scattered, or become shady about me not using drugs anymore and dont trust me enough to talk to me.

so im pretty much on my own now, and it scares the living daylights out of me. I've done pretty well so far, i've gotten a job, a apartment. I'm not hungry or cold or nothing. however i have that nagging voice in the back of my head that if something goes wrong im screwed, and probably end up homeless or dead.

plus it's very hard on me to meet new friends. I mean i can get friends, but shallow friends without any deep connection. I got a handful of them, but none that really want too much to do with me besides small talk when they happen to be in the same room with me.

i spend most of my nights and days watching TV, and wondering really whats the point of all this. life feels pretty empty when it's just you that actually cares about you. Almost seems parasitic, all though i dont know really what im feeding on.

thats about all for my second post. thanks for reading!

I've found that if you keep on going and put yourself out there every once in awhile, then good friends will eventually find you. I'm a really shy person, I only take the initiative to talk to someone if my gut tells me I should. (I don't know if you've ever walked by someone, and they were talking about or doing something you liked or something like that and then it's like every fiber of your being wants to talk to that person...but it's how I met pretty much all of my friends)

[yutzman]

Well, perhapsbelligerent, may I call you PB?....Looks like you've done pretty well for yourself.....up to this point....You've went through loss, you've went through prison....Paid your dues....and now you have a place (where the roof don't leak), a job...so you can feed yourself......And only fear of the future......
Well it sounds to me that most of the 'horror' in your life is behind you....
I know the 'friend' issue too.....Don't they all seem to just 'want' something? That's human nature.......deep connection with friends come with 'time'.....and friends will come and go (and some of the friends you wished would 'never' leave go). I cry about friends I've lost....(They haven't died...they just left...left me empty too).
You need people who care about you?.....Well you've come to the right place...
I'm not watchin TV with ya, but, by golly I'll listen to what you got to say...
And Thanks for postin..................the yutzman..

[Slick399]

PB,

I think you are doing a darn good job considering what you have been up against and the losses you have endured. You might try locating a support group in your area for depression. You can try calling a social services hotline to inquire as to finding a group. Good Luck.

Slick

[Littlefish]

U r brave and smart since u can find here this forum, u just keep trying , never give up...
check out your mailbox i just sent a note to u , too

[perhapsbelligerent]

thanks for the responses.

i havent really thought about a depression group. i did ok in NA meetings, it was nice meeting people. most of them either relapsed or went their seperate ways in those, so i found it hard to take them serious.

but generally i do well in groups. I'll have to do some online research to find a group and try it out. beats sitting at home watching the tube.

thanks for the kudos too, sometimes it does make me feel strong to sit back and realize what i've been through in the last few years. but then again, sometimes i look around and think it really wasnt worth it. I'm not happy where my life is at. i guess i have faith it will change, but im not really sure where it comes from. it's not always there either.

anyway... thanks. youre very warm people.