remembering

Although my depression was diagnosed long before, it really did not come out full force until the loss of my Parents. My Daddy died in 1996, and my Mama died in 1999. It was not until the latter that my hospitalizations began. I guess Grief will make bad situations even worse.
I remember so vividly the day my counselor decided that he could not let me leave his office, except to go directly to the hospital. He asked me over and over if I was going to hurt myself, and I could only answer "I don't know." I didn't know what would happen if I went home that day, nor did I know what was about to happen. I had no clue that he was getting ready to send me to the mental health unit.
It started the night my mother died. Coming from a large family, we had decided that we would pair up and stay at the hospital so my Mom would never be alone.
My sister K. and I took the midnight shift, mainly because we were both pretty used to doing the midnight shift anyway. K. left the room to use the restroom, and then get a breath of fresh air. She couldn't have been on the elevator all the way, when my mom started to choke. I tried to help her, but could not, so I called a nurse. The nurse asked me to step outside for a minute....A few minutes later she came out to the hall and told K and I that she was very sorry.
I had told my mom's hospice worker that I did not want to be alone with my mom when she died, because I didn't think I could abide by her wishes and not try to save her. Sure enough I was there alone.
The images of that night took me a long time to shake. It was just over a month when I sat in my counselors office, as he did the paperwork to transfer me. I had not slept more than an hour or two a night, because every time I closed my eyes, I saw her lying there. The stranges thing, is that my memory was wrong. I honestly thought that I did nothing to help her. I pictured myself freaking out, and backing off from her, instead of trying to help her sit up, calling the nurse, and various other things. I didn't remember that I helped her at all, and in essence, I convinced myself that I killed my mother.
The month before that first hospitalization was a really long one. My husband had no idea what to do with me, because if he did anything, I would start crying. I cried about everything. I went to work and when I left, I would start crying as soon as I was out the door.
Basically the first hospitalization was just a medication thing. They made me take some ambien to sleep, and forced me to get the rest that I needed. That alone made things better. It wasn't until three or four times later that they convinced me that it was NOT my fault that my Mom died.
It has been a long 6 years since that first hospitalization, and a lot of hospitalizations since then. The best thing that could have happened through this was a few years ago, when my original P-doc died. I HATED that man so much. I remember telling the nurse one time that I was going to get up and leave if I had to have him as a doctor again. That's when I found out that he died.
I now have Dr. S when I am in. He makes so much sence to me. and he actually seems to get me. He knows that even when I am at my worst, I still use humor as a defence. He knows that he can laugh at my humor, but also knows when to tell me to cut the crap. He's very good, not to mention, HE IS TOTALLY HOT!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know why I felt the need to write this today, or even why I have been thinking about it, but here it is for all of you to read.
Let's all hope that 13's a charm for me, and I won't need a 14th trip.

love and peace to you all
bren

I re-read this, and now I feel really sad.
somebody, anybody, respond to this

((((((((((((((((((((bren))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((Bren)))))))))))))))))))

I am so so sorry you lost your parents. That sounds so stressful and painful and lonley. I hate that you had to see that or even now live life without your parents. I do wish you the best in reconstructing a new family and support system. We all love and support you here. Never doubt that. There is love for you. You are not alone.

Hi Bren,

So sorry you are feeling bad. JUst wanted you to know that I'm listening. I have a hard time doing the "hugs" thing- but want you to know- I'm wishing you feel better soon.



Mandy

bren, i rarely do the hugs thing either, but Fayeroe, my dog and i, send kisses and good thoughts to you. i'm so sorry for your losses and how it came about...please continue to post....xoxo pat