not remembering

Well, I begrudgingly got on the subject of sex (which with my husband is me saying "don't touch me") with my therapist. We got into a conversation and she said that she has thought for a long time that I was abused, probably sexually. I know that I was hit and verbally abused, and I saw my sister abused (thought they were going to kill her at times)
My question is, could I have had this stuff happen and have NO memory of it? I have very little memory of much of my childhood, even major changes like moving and changing schools.
I (obviously) don't like the thought of anything like that in my past. I've been searching my memory, but don't come up with anything, but not much comes up anyway. This just has me curious (and a little creeped out).
Please, if any of you had NO memories and then you found out, how did you remember, or how does that work? I really don't want to remember anything like that, but my t says it helps in the healing.
Just wondering, and confused.

I know it's not quite the same as not sexual abuse... but untill very resently I had basically no memory before I was 12, and what I did have was in part reconstruction from what others had spoken of since...

I've started to build up an idea of what happened then now though, mainly bits appear in dreams, or a bit like flashbacks but disjointed flashbacks if that makes sence...

I'm not sure if there is a way that you can "force" such memories to appear... maybe ask your theripist about that? I've been told though that such memories usually do reapear at some point, suosidly once you're ready to deal with them.... though in my case that theory was a bit wronge I think :s

sorry, I was probably no use here... but I know what it's like to think something may have happened but have no recolection of it and to have little memory of your childhood, so you're not alone in either of these things...

good luck with recovering these memories however/if you decide to do it

Thanks for the reply Orion. I guess my t just thinks my symptoms fit so much. Don't really know if I want to remember. I have had some bad nightmares that didn't really make sense. Thanks for sharing your story. HUGS!

I'm of several minds (LOL) about my childhood and my stepmother's abuse, etc. I know there's a lot that children don't remember, simply because they don't have the words yet; you can't "think"/remember without words except maybe some feelings. I don't remember my mother who was sick all my life and died when I was 3-1/2. I do feel like I have some sensual memories of her though, the "sense" of her and the house we lived in? I once had a dream 20 years ago or so and I swore when I woke up that it was a "memory" but I checked with my father and there was nothing familiar in it to him, he said the house I was "remembering" didn't match any we'd lived in.

Do you have any relatives at all you can "trust" or that you really like/liked as a child? My aunt, my father's sister, helped me in my 20's get a sense of Me and my life (and my parent's upbringing and lives/marriage) before my mother died, while she was sick, etc.

But in addition to being too young/too without words to have any distinct memories, there's also the relative weight of things. sometimes nothing much happens is why we don't remember. Just because we move; if a previous move was more important/difficult for us the next one may be "nothing" by comparison? I only remember bits and pieces of things but I know it's because going to/from school each day, who cares? I remember one of the first days of third grade; we were given a math test which included multiplication and division -- which we hadn't learned yet/were supposed to learn in 3rd and 4th grade! I knew a tiny bit about multiplication and the girl next to me whom I had never met before happened to know a little bit about division and we quickly taught each other what we knew. LOL. It was fun and I remember doing it but I don't remember actually learning division when I did later in the year or whenever. Do you remember much about learning to read? Think of all the reading you do, it's very important in your life but who remembers the details?

People's memories develop differently too because things mean different things to them than to others. My brother is 9 years older than I am. Our mother got sick when he was 5-6 years old and died when he was 12 -- he had no "childhood" if you think about it (I have two other brothers and myself and my oldest brother had to "help" my father since my father had to go to work and our mother was too ill to care for us, etc.) but he doesn't remember very much of his childhood either. He wasn't even abused and he doesn't remember much. But what he remembers is far less than what I remember. My father had home movies of the 1930s and 1940s (I was born in 1950, my oldest brother in 1941) with him out on dates with other women and just a few frames of my mother (very weird for me to watch; I looked like she did and "felt" like she was expressing on the film, knew her sweet, shy, embarrassment of having her picture taken as if it were my own) but when I had all the movies changed into a VHS tape and showed it to my brother and sister-in-law, my brother "recognized" the wrong woman as our mother! Even I "knew"/recognized my mother without remembering her in person but he remembers her in person a little (from before she was sick) but not on the film/movie. Memories and individuals and how they remember is not well understood yet.

My stepmother though was not a good match for me, was very controlling and "harsh"/punitive/angry a lot. I was hit (as you describe) and watched my brothers' punishment, etc. Too, it is interesting because she had her own individual relationship with my brothers so their treatment by her was different individually. My oldest brother (whom I've been talking about) and I got the brunt of the abusive behavior from her, my middle two brothers I don't think I remember ever being hit or even yelled at "heavily" (once she had an evening loud fight with my oldest brother which left him crying (he was 16-17 years old too so not likely to be the crying type) and she came into my room right after and found I was awake reading (I was supposed to be asleep) and hit me across the mouth, made my lip bleed, and yelled at me. Anyway, my middle brothers didn't get the abusive treatment and you do remember your sister being treated badly but that doesn't mean you were treated badly too but you may have trained your memory to remember her treatment but not yours but that doesn't mean you were treated as "badly" you may have just "needed" hers to remember a certain way. There's all kinds of skewing that could have happened in many directions but if I didn't "want" to remember I wouldn't necessarily try to force myself to? No one outside you can really know what you need to know or what might be "good" for you. Check your heart and see what it wants to do?

But I'd check and talk to relatives you like who might give you a memory or two of theirs, see if they suspect any sexual abuse? I was mildly sexually abused, groped, when I was 10 by an man working for my family and I remember it but don't dwell on it and it doesn't bother me too much I don't think. Get as much of a "full" picture as you can from other family members so you can see if there might really be something there to "dig up" if you want to work on it. But there's no law that says you have to or that you have to do it now! Check your heart and what it says.

Perna, thank you for your story. I'm sorry for you losing your mother so early, and then the abusive step-mother.
The move I had when I was six was my first and only move, it was an hour away from my best friend (who I was raised basically like a sister). I know I never wanted to fit into the community, all throughout school, so I must have been pretty angry. It just seems like I have a lot of "feeling" memories, but no solid ones to back it up.
I'm not sure if I could talk to anyone in the family. I would hate for them to think I was talking about being abused. We were at a baby shower recently where my cousin who was babysat by my mother was. She kept saying "jokes" like "isn't there a whip in that present from her" and stuff like that. I had bad nightmares when I go back from that shower, ones that didn't make sense but where in the past and I felt really ashamed and lost.
I don't know. I guess I want to remember if it would help me heal. I have so much "baggage" that seems to stem from childhood. I remember having suicidal thinking at age 12. Before that, the memories I have are of being very alone, all by myself. I had a great imagination that took me away from my house, so that's how I managed I guess. When I think back to my inner "little girl" I get very strong feelings of sadness, and I know she was sad.
Thanks for helping me sort through some of my thoughts.
HUGS!

Yes you can have been sexually abused and not remember it happening. it is called having repressed memories. Rene Fredrickson wrote a book on the subject called "Repressed Memories.

Also I have to say that I am shocked that your therapist said she believes you were sexually abused before you told her of having any memories. From what I know and have experienced therapists are not supposed to "plant" ideas of abuse by bring up the topic before the client has any memories. This came about a years ago when therapists were found to have been creating false memories in clients. So now there are USA mental health guidelines prohibiting USA therapy professionals from stating they think or believe a client has been sexually abused BEFORE the client themselves tell the therapist of having a sexual abuse memory. Basically by a therapist saying it before the client if the client ever decided to prosecute their abusers they cannot becuase the case is thropwn out of court on this "False Memeory" law and rules of mental health ethics. So Im shocked that that therapist would do this to you.

My suggestion if this ever happened to me would be dropping the unethical therapist and getting someone else that would focus on what I brought into the sessions instead of reading things into the situations especially when I don't have the memory of what they are reading into it.

Hang in there

I think one can forget, or have repressed memories of childhood. I lived up to my early 40's without remembering I was abused. It was the therapist who wanted to get to the"root" of my problem. So I prayed. And the memory of the basement, the bag of candy, the neighbor mowing the lawn, surfaced. I got mad at God for his answer. Of all things to have burst my bubble. I do not know exactly what happened in that basement, or in the woods, but I do remember the brown, paper bag filled with candy, which I guess was my reward. i can hear the lawn mower and smell the fresh cut grass and icky soap bubbles.. ( I for the life of me can not figure out the soap bubbles) and the dirty, slimy feeling that covers me... I also have this sense of being beaten and falling to the ground. Terrified and hurting, but feeling strong that I would not let them make me cry or let them know they hurt me. Also a sense of screaming but no sounds came . out of my mouth..Am not sure if this is a "true" memory of being beaten.. Because i remember never being beaten. No need to beat a child that is always good.. right??

Anyway, guess some folks always remember. Some folks have repressed memories. others have fragmented memories.

Think I got off track here.. and babbling... hmmmm

yes maybe it did happen 2 u,sometimes the mind trys 2 block out oainful events,i was sexually abused,unfortunatly i can remember it but my brain forgot parts of it,over the years though,some memories have come 2 light,maybe i hadnt really forgotten,maybe i just wanted 2

You might find this site educational:

http://www.jimhopper.com/memory/

Excellent article/link...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
# If abuse memories do not emerge spontaneously, this may be due to healthy and protective psychological "defense mechanisms."

# "Digging for memories," or trying to force abuse memories to emerge, is almost never a helpful approach, and can cause a great deal of harm. This can cause increased distress and confusion, and behaviors that are harmful to oneself and important relationships (including false memories and mistaken accusations).

# Attempting to recover abuse memories using hypnosis or other mind-altering techniques is almost never a good idea. The risk of creating very distorted or outright false memories is increased by such methods.

# Even focusing on abuse memories one already has, without proper preparation, will almost always increase distress, instability and self-destructiveness.

# Though new memories may emerge during the course of therapy, and managing and making sense of such memories can be part of the healing process, recovering memories of abuse should never be the focus, or even a goal, of therapy or counseling.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">'

I should send this article to my old T.. He might "learn" something.. grrrrrrr all those years.. Only proves what a "quack" the old T was/is... No wonder I came out a worse basket case than when I went in...

Thanks for the replies and resources. We are not trying to bring up memories, just work on the ones I have. My symptomology (deep seated sense of shame, for one) is like that of one abused. I do have memories of that. There just are not a lot of memories of anything, including major life changes. We are trying to change the shame that I carry around, how it got there may or may not be of importance. I was just wondering if ppl had no memories of such and then "remembered". I know all about "false memory syndrome".