Resentment

I have noticed an aspect of my depression that I have trouble understanding, and I wanted to know if anyone else has experienced it.

I find that I often resent the well meaning attentions of friends and loved ones who know full well that something is wrong and who want to help me in some way. I find that I push these people away from me. When I am depressed I do not want to talk. I want to be in a quiet dark room by myself and I want to sleep and be oblivious.

The depression might lift a little, but I find sometimes that the resentment doesn't. Today for example I actually feel okay. I've been able to do some work, and I've eaten properly and had a good, active, busy day, and I've felt fine. But I've also felt that my better mood would be destroyed if I had to share it with anyone.

It's almost as if in my dark moods, I don't want to be with anyone, but also that in my better moods I don't want to be with anyone either, because the better mood feels too fragile.

Does anyone else feel similar to this sometimes?

*waves from corner* I do... almost all the time.

Sure do. What's weird is I am lonely, but I can't handle being with anyone either!

Well I'm glad it's not just me.

But it's not good is it?

Wow I thought I was the only one that experienced this. (((Amazonmom)))

I feel that way almost constantly. I'm always incredibly lonely, but the thought of being around people almost always makes my mood worsen. I try to dedicate at least one hour a day entirely to myself, where I can be completely alone and "disconnect" from the world. Sometimes, looking forward to that hour of alone time is the only thing that can get me through the rest of my day!

It really stinks.

Because the isolation is only making the loneliness worse...and the depression gets worse, and it's a spiral downward. I know exactly what the problem is and I can't stop it.

I wonder if I'm feeling a different thing. Maybe not. But I wouldn't describe myself as lonely. Not generally speaking in any case. I am content with my own company.

But I'm conscious that pushing people away makes me more isolated, and I do worry about that isolation. I sometimes worry that my natural tendency is towards solitude and being a recluse. And I don't know if that's as a result of my depression, or one of the causes of my depression.

It may be both a result and a cause.

My depression lifts a little when I am with others. But it always comes back.

EXACTLY!!!!

Yep... if I can force myself to spend time with people it will lift my mood. But as soon as I am alone again... BAM!!! almost more depressed than I was in the first place. Don't know why that makes it worse, but it seems to.

[quote=scribble8;1037314]I have noticed an aspect of my depression that I have trouble understanding, and I wanted to know if anyone else has experienced it[quote]

i feel that way quite alot actually, when im depressed my friends try to get me to talk about it, which most times makes me more upset. i would rather just sit in my room all alone and sleep like you said. Or i just end up spazing on them, then i feel worse. theres no winning really

So ... do you find you avoid people because you don't want that downer that you'll get after leaving them? Or is the up of being with them worth the downer that follows?

I think that many of us feel that way because when we are in a good mood or feeling ok, then we worry someone or something may change that, so we isolate still because it is easier. It takes a lot to step out there and put yourself out there and show others the good you feel.

PSJ

Yes, definitely. I love how you put it, That "the better mood feels too fragile" so you don't want to deal with anyone else. I experience this often.
Hugs

i want to be left alone most of the time. And it annoys me when i have to be social. i have no irl friends. But there are times, like when getting a hair cut, i have to be social when i don't want to be and i wish they would just shut up and cut my hair.

i feel that way alot actually. When im in a depressed mood i just wanta be alone, or sleeping. If someone trys to talk to me, sometimes i end up just fliping out, which makes me feel soo much worse. I was in a terrible mood yesterday, it somewhat lifted today...just not much

I feel that way quite often like right now! It's so strange to feel down and depressed and not want to be around anyone but to feel lonely at the same time. Part of me wants to be with someone but the vast majority of me just can't deal with being around people most of the time, especially if I am feeling depressed.

My life is within the dark walls of depression. There is no love one's or friends...they are all gone.....just what I can muster here at PC.....and if this lifts....so be it....but not right now....So I'm keep posting......but who cares.....

I care, yutzman.

Working with numbers/degrees of difference helps me. I tend to push away one or two people and decide I push away everyone when that's not true? So I count :-) and make sure I talk to 1 in 3-4 people, say; or, make sure I talk to at least one person a day (doesn't matter if it's just a store clerk). That keeps me on a more even keel and not quite as isolated feeling. I tested it out though and radio/TV or the like didn't work at all, has to be real people.

I care too, yutzman. I like your posts. Your replies are so thoughtful and insightful. I wish I could be like that.

I think that's probably a good strategy. I try to do the same. But I find it very difficult sometimes.

Thank you to everyone who's responded on this thread.