[shezbut]

How can one keep grounded when struck by very strong desires when driving to slam into buildings or cars coming the opposite direction? I haven't acted upon these desires, but I am struggling to control that intense temptation.

I don't want to kill other people ~ just me. I do admit that when a car from the opposing lane on my local 2 lane highway enters my lane, I don't slow down or weave away. Instead, I hope that he/she stays & it all ends.

Shez

[phoenix7]

((((shez)))) when I have those thoughts - I ask myself how the families of those other people would feel - all the people who love them who will never see them again and then I slow down and drive safely.

and what about all the people who would miss you - their pain?

mainly it would be my cats who missed me - till their next meal!

I hope you are talking to a T aobut this - my old T when I told her said it was because I was desperately unhappy - I ma trying to do things that make me happy - maybe you could do one kind thing for yourself today

[shezbut]

Hi phoenix,

Thank you for responding. I did briefly mention it to the doc yesterday, though I didn't admit that it's an ongoing strong temptation. I have fought these thoughts for a very long time, they're just now occurring daily.

I have had a few major medical hospitalizations and a couple of psychological hospitalizations in the last three years, which has been extremely difficult on my relationships with my 2 young daughters. I aim to stay out of the hospital now, to prevent worsening of the relationships. I know that I sound like an absolutely selfish POS but I can't handle their rejection. Aged 4 and 6, my 6 year-old tends to be extremely defiant with me. Then, I snap. I was never allowed to talk to my elders that way! Then, the guilt. It's all my fault. If I were a better mom, better person, things wouldn't be this bad. And that's when I want it all to end. I see no hope for the future. Children only become more defiant as they age. If I can't handle it now, how in the hell am I going to make it through teenage years?

Shez

[Sannah]

Shezbut, could your daughter be angry? This happened with my daughter. I was a screaming mom after my second was born because I was so stressed. I came to my senses 2 years later but my oldest daughter suffered quite a bit. I talked to her about it and her defiance is gone now. (Long term conversations. She didn't get over it quickly.)

[idontknow13]

(((((Shezbut))))
I am sorry you feel this way but I do understand, I have been struggling with the same thoughts lately.
As for your daughters, I know how you feel also, I raised two beautiful daughters who were very defiant (still are sometimes) but for them, please take care of yourself, they need you! Mine are adults now and since I am feeling so bad these days, they are there for me, they dont understand, but they are there for me.
You have two treasures, be good to yourself and to them.
Take good care of yourself.

[trevorzero]

As far as your temptations go, the fact that you've had them for quite awhile and haven't acted on them means it's likely you can continue to not act them. You do have self-control, and you have been exerting it. So give yourself credit for that.

As far as your children go, you should not be worrying too much how much they like you right now. You're their parent and you're not their bff. Just do your job as a parent as best you can and do not look to them for emotional support. It's not their "job" as children to provide you with any.

[shezbut]

Good point, Sannah. Thanks for sharing your experience!

Shez

[shezbut]

Thank you, Idon'tknow13.

I do warn myself that my suicide might have dramatic effects on their emotional lives. Unfortunately, that thought quickly leads to stronger self-hate (if that's possible!). I'll keep on trying.

Best wishes to you and your daughters too!
Shez

[phoenix7]

do you have a T? somone who is helping you with ths as an ongoing thing?

I agree your children could be angry and anger is prob hiding fear - fear that you will leave them again - now dont go beating yourself up about this - it doesnt help it only makes things worse - think how you can make them feel safe - by getting help and being with them -

I fyou went away a few times they have to learn to trust that you will be there for them that will help the anger - anger when met with love dissipates in time jmo

Be kind to you ok - talk to YOU as if you were talking to me if I said the things you did -

[shezbut]

I do have a psychiatrist, and am waiting to become a regular patient of the psychologist 6/30 (until then, I am on standby). I begin DBT tomarrow afternoon. I also work with a speech therapist and an occupational therapist to help develop techniques to work around memory impairment.

I'll have to work upon talking to myself more kindly. Thank you.

Shez