No Title II

A revenge, thats what i'd really like to do since i was in highschool. My sanity keeps me away from it. Im actually a nice person, may i say too nice, people then always use me in a bad purpose, thats what i get from being nice to people? they fooled me around? well f that!!!!

My anger, depressed, hatred, pain, all mixed up. sometimes i dont know what i want anymore. i always said that it hurts to be alone, but it looks like i choose to be alone rather than being with them, cause when im with them i dont feel they respect me as much as i respect them, not even a bit! when i thought everything is ok, there's always something's bad coming out of their mouth that was pointed at me in the end. i dont like that at all, they wouldn't like it either if i say that to them, but i cant do that cause its not what they are, i will never win with them. and yeah i am what i am and i hate it. can you understand what im saying? when i try to love myself, try to make myself happy, its not permanent.

Does this mean there are times when you catch at least a brief vision of what you want?

I don't think I've ever really been successful at loving myself. For the most part, both happiness and sadness have fled from me. That's characteristic of the way I experience depression. I'm not surprised anger and other powerful emotions are characteristic of your depression. I do experience flashes of such emotions, and they can be crippling, but they're not constant.

I wish you happiness, comfort, and love - especially when they seem impossible.

yes of course, i want my respect, i want life to be fair, but unfortunately nothing is fair in this world.

thank you for your wishes

Whereas wanting life to be fair would be a waste of emotional energy, wanting your respect certainly is a worthy desire.

Depression messes with the search for respect, especially self-respect, but that search is worth the effort. I wish I could report I've been successful in that search, but I can't. Whatever internal boost or warmth come from recognition or praise passes quickly without trace, and I again find myself in the middle of that grey, foggy sea.

In my case, the pain of lacking self-respect is lessened primarily by not thinking about it at all, and secondarily by medications that make it easier not to think...