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#1
Jul 16, 2009, 01:02 PM
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Hmmm...seems to occur about the same time every year.
And this time, it's not a good time, because I need to kick start my life. Unlike most kids who practically hit the ground running I'm hitting the ground with a thud and can barely get back up. Forget moving for a second. Apathy (I just don't plain care about anything anymore), indecisiveness, complete hopelessness, self-destructive thoughts (don't worry, I havn't done anything stupid yet) I can't even peel a mango without the feeling of wanting to slice myself up. And I'm very pain sensitive so it's not even like it'd be an even remotely pleasant experience. The one thing holding me back really is the fact that other people would be able to notice if I did that and I really, really, wouldn't want that. I like to keep my issues away from as many people as possible offline. The most frustrating thing is that I want to enjoy my life while I'm still young but it seems all I am ever thinking about is either way off into the future (like, when I'm 75 and going to die soon-ish) or back into the past (which I'm still trying to sort out up from down and heads from tails). The only present thinking I'm having is usually kicking myself for not doing something like working or going outside and walking downtown or something just to get out. (though the thought of going out all by myself to anywahere besides something close by like a playground or something is practically panic-provoking) The very thought of those self-help people and books is just sickening to me. They seem so FAKE, with plastic botox smiles and happy sunshine demeanor. They don't seem human, or really living. I want to make a little peace with myself, and live feeling fulfilled, but for god's sake I don't want to be THAT. I want to live on earth like everyone else. I know I'm just being stupid and whiney, sorry for wasting time and space here to be ranting. |
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#2
Jul 16, 2009, 01:29 PM
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  (((((((((((((( kaika )))))))))))))) (not stupid and whiny, thats my job)
__________________
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#3
Jul 16, 2009, 02:37 PM
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God I know the feeling. When I was is college last year I got so stressed out I stopped caring about everything. As a result I failed classes, hurt myself, did't enjoy the things I use to. The only thing I looked up to everyday was getting back in bed and obsessing about death. Sometimes suicide feels like the only way out. I almost tried killing myself yesterday, but some complete stranger spent his night talking me out of it on the computer. I too am stuck in the past and I'm not sure how to fix things. I feel guilty for my dad's suicide (happened 6 yrs ago) when I know I shouldn't because I was only 14 at the time. Please don't hurt yourself because I know It's not going to get you anywhere, it's only going to make you feel worse in the long run. Also, I totally agree about self help books - they look like a waste of time and money!
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#4
Jul 16, 2009, 02:47 PM
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((((kaika))))
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#5
Jul 16, 2009, 04:10 PM
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((((Kaika))))
I know how devastating the feeling of apathy can be. It's not your fault. Try to keep yourself busy with something you are good at. Works for me sometimes. Sending you gentle hugs.
__________________
Where, where I go - My spirit is free, I'm coming home Where, where I go - Remember me but let me go /Lacuna Coil |
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#6
Jul 16, 2009, 07:15 PM
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Kaika, the peculiar experience of depression you describe in your post, depression marked primarily by apathy rather than sadness, is close to my personal experience of this disease. Sometimes it seems sadness would be a step up.
Please feel free to continue whining and ranting as much as you want. Several of us will be nodding in agreement in the background...
__________________
My dog mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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#7
Jul 16, 2009, 07:46 PM
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Kaika. I have the same feelings. I don't feel sad but I just don't care at all. I don't know what is worse,not caring or being sad all the time.
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Dx: PTSD, Panic Disorder, Obsessive Personality Disorder. A Do Da Quantkeeah A-da-nv-do |
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#8
Jul 16, 2009, 08:16 PM
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I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are - apathy is not fun.
I just wanted to say something about the self destructive thoughts. What you describe sounds all too familiar to me. The thing with the mango. Well. I haven't eaten mangos *would love to try* but fruits anyways XD or whatever else requires cutting have set off thoughts for me. Not to do anything in order to make sure no one knows is good. Not to do anything for YOU is even better. I guess I just wanted to say that I've been there, I've been self destructive and it goes nowhere but downhill. Right now I'm in the "fixing what I did stage"... putting stuff on my skin to help it heal now that I haven't been bad for a while. Please, keep safe. It sounds like in general you're being really hard on yourself, try your best not to be, and take care. Sending loads of hugs... I'm always here if you need to talk *drop me a line*
__________________
 Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. |
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