[trevorzero]

I'm lucky enough to have some people here who requested to be my friend. With a few of them, there is regular communication. With the others, there is almost none. I don't know what to do about them. A few of them stopped communicating with me without any explanation provided. I hate these unexplained silences. I would rather be told that I'm a terrible, terrible person than just have no word at all.

One of my "friends" I stopped messaging to because she seemed to be losing interest in the conversation and I didn't want to bore her. Too many of these relationships are just so undefined. I guess rather than being friends, they are actually just acquaintances.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( trevorzero )))))))))))))))))

[Puffyprue]

trverzero,maybe they just busy or forget reply ur message or maybe having hard time....
alot of hugs for you...

[turquoisesea]

Sometimes it really may be something no explained by you being boring, or whatever...

It can be explained by so many things in the other persons life... it really could be anything. also around here, people may be having their own problems at the same time as you're trying to communicate with them.

I think with friendship, you have to be patient and try to be forgiving of lapses here and there. If you feel like you're being ignored, also don't be afraid to communicate this, as politely and clearly as possible. That way the other person knows what you're feeling and they can respond with what they feel.

sending hugs to you, and sorry I've been patchy lately... I've been realy in and out myself...
~turquoisesea

[smilesalot]

I've had the exact same 1st paragraph as you.
I went away cuz of it.
I only come back when it occcurrs to me cuz of lack of reply.
I'm smilesalot - it's my "cover."

Originally Posted by trevorzero

I'm lucky enough to have some people here who requested to be my friend. With a few of them, there is regular communication. With the others, there is almost none. I don't know what to do about them. A few of them stopped communicating with me without any explanation provided. I hate these unexplained silences. I would rather be told that I'm a terrible, terrible person than just have no word at all.

One of my "friends" I stopped messaging to because she seemed to be losing interest in the conversation and I didn't want to bore her. Too many of these relationships are just so undefined. I guess rather than being friends, they are actually just acquaintances.

[selfy]

hm
i can safely say, i have five or six friends.
three of which i trust.
all the rest are aquaintances. i think considering people as a friend is quite something. a friend, to me is someone who i can talk to, and not wonder wether theyre just amusing me. theyre someone who understands who i am (ive been told thats quite difficult :S)
its taken me a while to find these friends, but now i have them i dont want them to go anywhere, and i can be relatively sure that they wont. thing is, people use the word friend far too often for my liking. i may think some people are absolutely lovely to be around, but if i dont trust them, theyre an aquaintance.
one good friend is worth ten good aquaintances, and if theyre really good enough to trust to be a friend, then you shouldnt have to worry about boring them or anything else. it doesnt matter.
but im waffling. so yeh :P

[Fuzzybear]

quote=selfy;980048]hm
i can safely say, i have five or six friends.
three of which i trust.
all the rest are aquaintances. i think considering people as a friend is quite something. a friend, to me is someone who i can talk to, and not wonder wether theyre just amusing me. theyre someone who understands who i am (ive been told thats quite difficult :S)
its taken me a while to find these friends, but now i have them i dont want them to go anywhere, and i can be relatively sure that they wont. thing is, people use the word friend far too often for my liking. i may think some people are absolutely lovely to be around, but if i dont trust them, theyre an aquaintance.
one good friend is worth ten good aquaintances, and if theyre really good enough to trust to be a friend, then you shouldnt have to worry about boring them or anything else. it doesnt matter.
but im waffling. so yeh :P[/quote]

Originally Posted by trevorzero

I'm lucky enough to have some people here who requested to be my friend. With a few of them, there is regular communication. With the others, there is almost none.

Are you talking about the Friend's Request thingy here at Psych Central? If so, I understand your feelings.

When this was implemented, I made a conscious decision not to accept any Friend's Request specifically for the reason you're talking about. Even good intentions can sometimes end up hurting people's feelings and I kinda thought it might happen. I was also afraid it would end up being a popularity contest, so I opted out.

[kebsfroggy]

Trevorzero, I agree with some of what you said. IRL I have no friends and I seem to like it better that way.

But after joining PC, I learned there are different kinds of friends. The people here who helped a newbie that was close to suicidal feel at home. I guess you would consider them just acquaintances, but they all hold a special place in my heart.

I have "friends" that I try to keep in touch with on a regular basis. I guess I wouldn't be a good friend by your standards. Sometimes the depression gets too severe and I have to take a break. Sometimes, like now I visiting with my mother who is dieing of cancer and she takes most of my time.

I would hope those who I consider friends would feel the same way and not judge me too severely when I can't keep in touch.

I hope you find a great group of friends here that you can count on.

[trevorzero]

Thanks to everyone who posted. I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your perspectives.

The whole forum "friend" thing is sort of warped, and it's bound to lead to disappointment. It would probably be better if there was an "acquaintance" category as a first step to take when getting to know somebody. At least it would be more honest and realistic.

I truly don't want to be judgemental when it comes to evaluating the "disappearances" of my friends. There are times when I don't feel like communicating too much, either. But it's not that hard to post a very short message to anyone who has been friendly to say that you're going away for a little while.

That's really all I ask.

[nightbird]

On this website, my opinion of a friend is one with whom we are companions with in sharing this activity, and caring about the people here, and the specific friend, and also... it's about reaching out to someone new, befriending them, so they feel part of something with you.

Whatever ones motive, in my book, being a 'friend' is not a negative thing or carries any baggage. It's the freedom to be friends, no strings attached, that makes it special to me.

In real life we can't always get in tough with friends all the time, or are without them, and here, well, where there are more 'personal' contacts and sharing for many than in real life, well, you take the good aspects of it along with the bad.

Nothing is ever perfect, and no one ever said life was fair... it's a tool on the profile you can use or ignore, for good, or to feel bad.

It's a choice.

I like to see the good in requests, and the fact that one might not hear from me doesn't mean I'm not reading their issues and sending good thoughts their way, nor does it mean I don't care.

As with real life, we miss out on things all the time.

The best thing on the friends issue here, for me, is that it is available to use if you like this option, and if you feel you have something to offer (with it's limitations perhaps because it's the www), is an intent of supporting that 'friend' anytime on PC, and by being a friend, I am open to pm's also, especially from those people, anytime day or night.

I can't always respond, or it may take awhile as I have a hectic schedule, but I care for these people and can find the time when I buckle down to be that 'friend', especially to anyone in need.

Peace and Friendships,
Night
xoxo

[pegasus]

I'm just very grateful for any friends I have! I don't expect any of them to be contacting me all the time. I'm not going to hold any of them to ransom and insist that they contact me. I'm just very grateful for ALL my friends here.

[deliquesce]

friends here at PC...

nightbird was the first person who sent me a message here when I joined PC. i don't think we've ever communicated beyond that, but she holds a special place in my heart. i was new, and she took the time to send me a lovely picture, and it lifted my spirits.

some of my friends on PC i will message every week or so. some of my other friends are just names on a list - but i do go through that list often and check up on them. not necessarily by making contact, but by reading some of their threads and responding there.

some of my friends - they are people i have messaged in crisis. sometimes to vent and ask for advice, sometimes just because i need someone close to me, someone i know will read my message, even if they don't respond. sometimes i get a hug, and that is always very welcome .

i like having the friends list here. i know it is a different sort of friendship than that in real life. but it makes me feel a part of the community more.

[trevorzero]

I guess this "friends" system that is employed here can work differently for everyone. Some people are satisfied with it, and some are not. I just believe that there is room for improvement in how we get to know each other.

Thanks again to everyone who posted. It was very "friendly" of you.

[nonightowl]

Originally Posted by trevorzero

I'm lucky enough to have some people here who requested to be my friend. With a few of them, there is regular communication. With the others, there is almost none. I don't know what to do about them. A few of them stopped communicating with me without any explanation provided. I hate these unexplained silences. I would rather be told that I'm a terrible, terrible person than just have no word at all.

One of my "friends" I stopped messaging to because she seemed to be losing interest in the conversation and I didn't want to bore her. Too many of these relationships are just so undefined. I guess rather than being friends, they are actually just acquaintances.

[knothead]

A "friend" for me means that if I see a post that they have written I try my best to post a reply or at least a hug. I watch out for them and if I think they're going through a tough time then I'll often PM them and ask what's wrong. I also try and catch their birthday and send them best wishes on their special day. That's what it means to me.

[Knitnut]

trevorzero...Trevor (and I am guessing your name) I hope your name does not state how you feel about yourself. If so, you are not a Zero!!

Friends come and friends go...I know that doesn't sound like what anyone wants to hear, but it is true. Friends are hard to keep.

Friends are not always be who we think they are.

Is this true of any of the friends who have "abandoned" you: A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities. ~~ William Arthur Ward

Thinks about this!

You CAN find new friends that will care about you. I know it feels very hard to do, and I can identify completely, even if I am 60 yrs old. I have not had a good, close friend with whom I can share my deep, hard secrets in decades, at least not one I can depend upon as the quote above states.

Being a friend isn't any easier. It can be hard work too! So, choose carefully.

Consider those of us here in PsychCentral/Depression you friends, because you can count of us to listen, hear and respond back to you as you need.

We give hugs2.jpg here, even if they are virtual.

Hugs.jpg

[marvin_pa]

Originally Posted by trevorzero

Thanks to everyone who posted. I do appreciate you taking the time to offer your perspectives.

The whole forum "friend" thing is sort of warped, and it's bound to lead to disappointment. It would probably be better if there was an "acquaintance" category as a first step to take when getting to know somebody. At least it would be more honest and realistic.

I truly don't want to be judgemental when it comes to evaluating the "disappearances" of my friends. There are times when I don't feel like communicating too much, either. But it's not that hard to post a very short message to anyone who has been friendly to say that you're going away for a little while.

That's really all I ask.

The befriending feature does have that potential to be a double edged sword.

Friendships, on-line, or IRL, are complicated things with vast amounts of subtle interactions & nuances - the befriending feature on forums isn't on it's own a precise indicator of the nature of a particular friendship, but more just an indicator that there is a friendship there. Different people have very different ideas about what friending somebody means to them - for some the linkage may be a relatively casual one, but for others there's a lot more of a reciprocal relationship implied/expected. It's not always obvious to either party where between these 2 poles that friending is going to be.

The other wrinkle that I'm personally very aware of, is that depression/anxiety tends to drive me away from social contact - even of net-based variety. In that frame of mind, I can't imagine why anybody would be interested in communicating with me & to leave them a note saying that I'm going to be incommunicado for a while just feels like whining & trying to get attention that I'd feel that I don't deserve. Having said that, I'd probably try to do so anyway, if I knew that the other party would worry, or would be offended if I did not.

[googley]

Trevorzero,
I know what you mean about friends who come and go and you are never sure exactly what the status is. I have always had this problem. I know it comes from my self-esteem because I feel that if they liked me they would at least contact me once in a while. But then they don't and I don't know if it is because they don't like me or if it is because they are too busy. But I usually find out that they are still around. I have found that there are different types of friendships. There are some people I talk to all the time and some people who I talk to maybe once a year. It just depends on what is going on in each of our lives. But I still battle with these difference and distinctions. When I was in school I saw these people every day, but now I don't talk to them as often. It can be hard. I hope you are able to contact you friends and they will contact you back!

[nowheretorun]

a friend is someone who encourages good health... a non friend encourages non health

[trevorzero]

Thank you to all who took the time to post here. This thread started back in March and my feelings remain pretty much the same about the whole "friends" thing. The "befriending" option is just so very vague and open to interpretation and misinterpretation that I find it rather useless. I haven't tried to befriend anyone here in a long time because I have no idea what the person on the other end thinks about the process. Plus, I don't want to risk the rejection if they just aren't interested at all.

I still believe that this site could offer categories of "friendship" that would help each person have a better idea of the other person's expectations. But I'm not expecting this to happen. We'll just keep stumbling and bumbling along as always.

((trevorzero)))) friends are ppl who support you. Listen. and care.
Being a friend to someone is the same ...
Kindness and listening when able is the best. Sometimes its just hitting the ty button on pc if thats all you can do at the time
Irl it works about the same. I have been here alittle over 2 years and have made some very good friends. As in real life it takes time.
Friends are the ones who are there for you when your down , to share yout happiness ,...To tell you the truth if that needs to be done to help you . Or visa versa.
tc of you and know you matter here on pc

[lost4words]

Friends are funny sometime. Sometimes they lose interest sometimes they make new friends, sometimes they just need a break. But I know what lonely feels like and even though i just found this website I can tell there are tons of people out there feeling the same as I do. Just looking at the number of people that are online on this site tells me there are enough people out there to help me or even just to hear me. And maybe even be a friend.