[MisanthropicOne]

Ive never liked the roller-coaster ride that is depression. The constant ups and downs are enough to make anyone sick. As of late ive noticed a trend that is of concern. The ups and downs of life no longer even one another out.. its no longer a 1:1 ratio. For every up I go down two (1:2).

I had and still am seeking help. I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and placed in a highly monitored day program.. The kind where if you didn't show up they'd come looking for you. I was there for a month. Now under the care of Easter Seals.. I have a senior case manager and a psychiatrist. Currently going through the admittance interviews for DBT therapy.

I can't say im doing well with the taking of my medications. They honestly have no effect which I expected. I have drug resistant depression. No AD has ever worked well or for long. Currently im on;

150mg Wellbutrin SR @9am - No AD effect
10mg Buspar @9am & 9pm - Um this stuff does something?
0.5mg Klonopin @ 9am & 1mg @ bedtime - Pointless, No effect.
0.5mg Ativan @ bedtime and as needed - I'm used to 1mg when needed.
300mg Seroquel @ bedtime - Used to knock me out. Not anymore.

To be honest as time goes on I find myself "forgetting" to take my meds more often. I can't keep a regular schedule due to insomnia/hypersomnia. I've tried alarm clocks and people constantly remind me to take my meds but the meds stopped working weeks ago. I don't even feel like calling my case manager to inform her of this.

I've forgotten why I started writing this post. All I can say is everything seems pointless.

Tomorrow is my birthday.. told my mother I didn't feel like visiting which disappointed her. It's just another day to me. Why would I want to celebrate 32 years of failure and disappointment? Seriously how can I be excited about a birthday or even celebrate something like that?! I'm nothing more than an emotional and financial burden. I'm incapable of doing anything.. An utter waste of life and air. Seriously ill pass.

I have to end this post as the longer I go on the worse I feel and I don't feel like dealing with the consequences of that.

[lotusflames]

if your medication doesn't work then you need to speak to your care team and tell them that you feel they aren't working. seriously there is no better advice i can give than that

[bridgie]

I wld love to give advice today but I'm afraid it wld just be bad advise as I am so up right now. So all I am going to say is I hope you can figure out some kind of medication mixture that does work and things start to get better. Good luck

[idontknow13]

(((((((MisanthropicOne)))))

[idontknow13]

Quote: Tomorrow is my birthday.. told my mother I didn't feel like visiting which disappointed her. It's just another day to me. Why would I want to celebrate 32 years of failure and disappointment? Seriously how can I be excited about a birthday or even celebrate something like that?! I'm nothing more than an emotional and financial burden. I'm incapable of doing anything.. An utter waste of life and air. Seriously ill pass.

I had to come back to your post because except for a few exceptions I could have written this myself, my birthday is coming up also and I am trying to convince my daughters and bf that I do not want to celebrate it and they do not understand..
My hope for you is that you do feel better on your birthday and that your days get better.
My thoughts will be with you

[depressedalaskan]

((((((MisanthropicOne))))))

[Rohag]

Just as Idontknow, I read your post at least 12 hours ago and it's been percolating.

Originally Posted by MisanthropicOne

To be honest as time goes on I find myself "forgetting" to take my meds more often.

Were it not for assistance, either I wouldn't be able to handle my med cocktail at all, or I would struggle with it imperfectly every day.

I agree with the others here; it is best to inform your team the meds (with the exception of Ativan?) are not working in that combination AND you are having trouble remembering to take each dose. Beyond that, it can't hurt to just be open with them about your frustration with the med regime. They're there to please you - not you them.

It's true. For some of us birthdays are not happy occasions. As much as your family may want to have a party or even just celebrate you, you're not in a place where you can appreciate it the way they may assume you will or "should" appreciate it. Hopefully you can gently educate them about that.

An aside: Ativan has a powerful effect on me, so, not wanting to lose that effect through overuse, at one point I stopped using it regularly. I explained this to my pdoc and he supported me. I'm very glad we have the kind of relationship where he'll trust me on things like this.

Wishing you an end to the pharmaceutical turbulence and to depression altogether!

[idontknow13]

Thinking of you today and hoping you are feeling better

[Berries]

(((((((((((MisanthropicOne)))))))))))

I used to be medication resistant depressed, before the newer ADs came out. It was afwul how depressed i got.

I had ECT (shock treatements). It is a drastic step but one I'd do again if needed. It was like a huge wieght was off my shoulders. It really, really helped the depression.

The side effects were a headache the days of the treatments and short term memory loss during the series of treatments.

It might be something to at least bring up with your treaters.

Good luck and I wish you strength in whatever you do.

[MisanthropicOne]

Originally Posted by Berries

(((((((((((MisanthropicOne)))))))))))

I used to be medication resistant depressed, before the newer ADs came out. It was afwul how depressed i got.

I had ECT (shock treatements). It is a drastic step but one I'd do again if needed. It was like a huge wieght was off my shoulders. It really, really helped the depression.

The side effects were a headache the days of the treatments and short term memory loss during the series of treatments.

It might be something to at least bring up with your treaters.

Good luck and I wish you strength in whatever you do.

Ive been thinking about ect. The idea is a bit unsettling but im open to it.