Multiple Trigger Post - Losing My Grip

Okay, folks - this is going to be a bit of a long post because there just is no way to abbreviate it - and I guess I had better post it with a trigger icon, just in case.

I'm losing my grip. Some of you know the background story - basically right now I am completely without help or hope. My attorney went missing earlier this year - had some serious personal issues that derailed him for a bit. About a month or so ago, he resurfaced and said he had gotten himself straightened out and wanted to continue to handle my case. Well, he's been MIA since he contacted me - hasn't answered my questions, hasn't responded to my e-mails or telephone calls. I don't know how I can handle this case on my own - it took 7 years for me to find this one attorney who was willing to take my case - very complicated - going up against some big hitters in the medical field for violating my rights (federal and state HIPAA regs, and other federal and state laws, codes, and regs). My medical doctors and T here in Texas allowed my family members to interfere in my healthcare without my knowledge and consent before they requested my medical records from up north. These healthcare professionals deceived me, lied to me, withheld information from me regarding my own health care because they accepted and acted upon the false information being provided to them by my family members as if it was all truth and fact, and I didn't find out about it until it was too late to save my long-term disability benefits (approx. $80,000).

I have been branded a demented, delusional lunatic and a criminal by my family, and subsequently by my Texas medical doctors and T based on my family's misinformation in order to prevent the truth from ever being found out in their efforts to protect their reputations and careers. They openly and freely discussed my healthcare, and my confidential medical and personal information with my family members without my knowledge and consent, other physicians and their staff members, other patients, my LTD disability insurance carrier, the Social Security Administration, Medicare, and God only knows who else - they discussed everything with everyone EXCEPT ME, THEIR PATIENT. Furthermore, they failed to inform me of any discrepancies between information I provided to them and information they received from any other source, and failed to inform me of my family members' unauthorized interference in my healthcare. At no time have I ever given my family members or anyone else authority or consent to act for me without my knowledge and consent. They do not hold my Power of Attorney, and no court of law has ever declared me mentally incompetent and appointed anyone as my legal guardian. Nevertheless, for some reason, all of these supposedly highly intelligent, educated, competent, and ethical healthcare professionals, as well as my family members, have ASSUMED that my rights were completely and irrevocably suspended the moment I arrived back in Texas in 2001!

When my primary care physician, my internist, finally requested and received my medical records from up north in the fall of 2006, four years after I started seeing him, he found out that I had not lied to him about anything, that I am not the demented, delusional lunatic and criminal that my family members have portrayed me to be, that my family members had lied to him and everyone else about everything, and that ultimately he was responsible for me losing those LTD benefits which would have paid the Medicare co-pays for the evaluation, diagnosis, and treatment of my immune-system disorder. After he received my medical records, I called to make an appointment with him and was told by his staff that I could not see or speak to him until my account balance was paid off. It took a while, but I called his office on October 9, 2008, to make the final $20 payment on my account only to learn that just 3 days earlier, he had walked into his office and taken his own life.

I then had to go to the hospital ER for treatment of shingles, since I had no doctor at all. The ER nurse saw the name of my PCP, and she commented on his passing. I asked her if she knew what had happened and she replied, "He was always such a happy person, but for the past two years he has been a changed man; he was absolutely haunted about something, but no one knows what it was." Two years prior to his passing was when he finally requested and received my medical records and found out that he had allowed my family members to deceive and manipulate him and his staff members into betraying his ethics and my trust and violating my rights. If nothing else, the timing and method of his passing makes for an interesting coincidence; in any case, it is a terrible tragedy and waste.

Since 2006, I have only been able to receive medical care on an emergency basis through the hospital ER, and even then I am treated like a criminal, and I have had 3 doctors tell me to my face that they have no intention whatsoever of evaluating or even treating my immune-system disorder - I am essentially black-listed in this area. Apparently, the other doctors here are much more concerned with protecting the reputations and careers of their colleagues than my rights or my life. My late internists' staff and others have even tried to prevent me from finding out where my medical records were sent - I finally had to go through an agency outside of this area to get that information. So, I have NO internist, allergist, pulmonologist, rheumatologist, dermatologist, neurologist, orthopedist, psychiatrist, or even a therapist!

I found out that my family members had been spreading these lies about me all over town long before I ever agreed to move back down here so that my brother could "help" me find appropriate specialists, provide transportation if I was too ill to drive or my car wasn't running, and provide a little financial assistance, if necessary. From the moment I arrived, I have been completely isolated and ostracized by everyone - lifelong family friends, and even childhood friends and classmates. No one will even speak to me. Once he was certain that I was trapped here, my brother returned to verbally and psychologically abusing me, saying things like, "Dye your hair, put on some makeup, find someone to date, and get a job;" and, "You're nothing. You're nobody. You don't have any rights."

I no longer own a car - I couldn't afford to repair mine a couple of years ago so that it would pass inspection, so I had to give it up. I am not eligible to use Handitran or any other transportation program since my disability does not specifically prohibit me from driving, so I have to take a cab everywhere - even to the grocery store. I make too much money on disability to qualify for any other assistance at all, such as food stamps, or assistance with housing or utility expenses. My family members even deceived and manipulated an APS caseworker into filing a FALSE report about me which they now use to substantiate the FALSE information they provided to her on which the report was based in the first place!!! So, it's not just my well-reputed healthcare providers (one is a well-known cancer researcher), but I have to do battle with the State of Texas itself!!!!! I have lived in essentially solitary confinement for the past 8 years with no help and no hope. Every single person that I, like any other patient or citizen, should have been able to trust to advocate for me and to respect and protect my rights and confidential medical and personal information has betrayed my trust utterly.

I can't take it any more. My lymph glands have been swollen since October of 2008 - I have continued the treatment regimen established by my Michigan doctors for my immune-system disorder (400-500mg Benadryl and 300mg Ranitidine per day to suppress my immune system in place of Prednisone), but I cannot manage it on my own indefinitely. I am so allergic to light and hypersensitive to heat that I have to keep my apartment about 65F and very dimly lit, and I get sick every time I have to leave the house and be exposed to heat, sunlight, fluorescent lights, etc. I have things growing on me and in me - I won't go into detail for those of you who are squeamish - suffice it to say that these things do not belong on or in my body. But, no one cares. There is not one single person in this area who cares whether I live or die - not one. There is not one person who is absolutely outraged that such a cruel injustice has been committed against a fellow human being. In fact, should I pass, that would let everyone off the hook - no one would ever be held legally accountable for their misconduct - not my family members and their little minions, not my Texas healthcare providers and their staff members, not my former medical and long-term disability insurance carriers, and not the APS caseworker and the State of Texas. Basically, my survival benefits no one as far as they all are concerned and poses a considerable threat to all of them.

I want to fight - I want to make certain that the truth is known and that no one can ever do to another human being what these people have done and are still doing to me - but, I'm so tired, and so ill. I don't think I can do this by myself - it's just too much. After working in the medical field for 7 years, and for attorneys, engineers, architects, etc., and on corporate staff for major companies for 25 years, I know I possess the skills, but the drag of such massive doses of antihistamines, the headaches, rashes, fevers, intestinal obstructions, infections, PTSD, and depression have me pinned to the floor. I don't want to give up, but I feel like a blade of grass fighting a mountain. Friends, please tell me that I am intelligent enough, skilled enough, and strong enough to do this on my own if I must despite the illness, pain, stress, and depression, and whether anyone other than me ever gives a d*** or not!

oh lynn...
I'm so very sorry that you have are going through so much!

Yes, you have the power and determination to see you through...you've come too far to give up. I know you are drained, and I wish there was a way of filling you up...
Have you thought about contacting the ACLU? Your rights have been violated and they may be willing to look into it...perhaps at least to guide you to someone who would be able to help you.
We care very much about you, lynn.
Words are failing me and I offer my apology for not having wise ones to offer you.

Please know that we care...
Catherine

((((lynn09))))

I am sorry my friend you are going through all of this. I am outraged at what you have gone through. It is not right. And you are worthwhile and mean everything. What happened is not right. Your family was not right in what they did. You are a good person. You have so much to offer.

I know it is tough, but you can do this. You can continue to live on and despite what they have done----you are going to make it. I know you will. I know you are weak, ill, and tired. But do not give in. Do not let depression or the lies of others do you in. Fight. And we will fight with you. You are no longer alone my friend.

Everyday you make you make it is another day you are showing your truth. I know it is hard. But I believe in you. I see strength in you that you may not see right now. Your words ring truth. Your words ring strength. And you will be okay.

Know I am here and listening and hearing everything you are saying. I will be here for you. I care. You mean so much to me and all this community. I am so glad you shared that with all of us. Know we are on your side. Hang in there my friend.

Sending you gentle hugs, loving thoughts, and much strength. We love you.

dps

wow

i been sitting here trying to figure out what to say for 30 min

I'm so sorry you went through and are going through that.

just know I thought about You a long time I know that don't help much

You are intelligent enough, skilled enough, and strong enough to do this on Your own even with the illness, pain, stress, and depression. I do care

Hi, Lynn!

If you haven't already done so, save this post as a separate file on your computer. I think it's the most complete statement of your situation I've seen. Here's a formatted link to your above account as a stand-alone post if you need to copy/paste it anywhere.

Continue to document everything - every doctor, person, time, date, location, word.

I have no doubt, Lynn, that you ARE intelligent, skilled, and strong. As you say, though, you "feel like a blade of grass fighting a mountain," and I believe you ARE a blade of grass fighting a mountain. You need healthy, expert assistance in this fight. Your physical and emotional states just about require you to enlist support in order to increase your chances of success and guard your sanity. Catherine2's suggestion of the ACLU is excellent (ACLU Disability Rights Home Page), and other agencies might be willing and able to help as well - check out 211.org. For your own sake, don't take this on alone.

As far as depression by itself goes, you possess far more combative fire than I do! Your psychic reserves are immense. Nevertheless, we're here to support you as best we can, realizing you are among the most supportive members of this community.

Thank you, Lynn. Keep fighting and keep us informed.

I am so sorry all of this has happened to you. You don't deserve any of it. You are so valued here. So loved and appreciated.
We will always stand by you and root you on.

AND I firmly, firmly believe that you are intelligent, skilled and strong enough to keep fighting (hopefully with help from above sources) even with your illness, pain, stress and depression.

We all care about you so much. You have helped me so much so many times. You are a special lady. I admire you and am inspired by you.
You deserve the best.

Thank you all so much (((((Catherine2, dps, darylb41, Rohag & Berries))))). Thanks for even risking looking at my post. I know you all care and support me - I know that all of my PC family cares and supports me - I would have already "broken" if it weren't for finding this PC family - my true family - my true brothers and sisters.

I almost feel guilty about posting all of this mess and exposing any of you to this drama and trauma - believe me, what I have written here and in my one other post about all of this is just the tiniest tip of the "mountain." I feel the same way y'all do - I look at the whole thing and am speechless. I am STILL SHAKING - CAN'T STOP SHAKING - HAVEN'T STOPPED SHAKING since I wrote the post. That's the problem - that's what is SO frustrating. I KNOW I have the intelligence, skills, etc., to do this - but every single time I try to work on any aspect of it myself, I freeze - I become paralyzed - it's like I go into shock, my BP drops and I'm freezing cold - can't get warm even wrapped in a blanket and all I do is shake - then comes the nausea, blurred vision, stuttered speech, etc. - can't think, can't breathe, can't type, can't function - it's like the mountain falls on me - I KNOW it's triggering the PTSD and depression. I KNOW the techniques - breaking things down into smaller pieces - I have been trying for 4 months to send one letter requesting my medical records from one doctor here who I know also has my Michigan records - I will have to pay for them, but so be it since I can't trust these doctors to be honest with me, and this doctor is in the same group practice as my mother's doctor. I also know that this doctor can refuse to send them to me - and she and my other ex-doctors know that they are putting themselves in legal jeopardy if they do let me have them. I have to have them or soon all of my 20 years worth of Michigan records are going to disappear forever. The DA's office said they would look into it if I filed an official complaint and wrote out the story - so did some other state and federal regulatory agencies; and, OF COURSE, I should write letters to my Michigan doctors - BUT I CAN'T DO IT - I CAN'T COMPLETE ANY OF IT WITHOUT FALLING APART!! I have been trying to do this for the PAST 8 YEARS!

I have literally hundreds of pages of documentation in my computer and stacks of other documentation that proves I am telling the truth and my family members have lied - organizing it all is the problem. I have more than a photographic memory - I remember every single conversation verbatim, every single detail of everything that has happened - this "thread-in-my-head" is 10+ years long and every single bit of it is in my mind - try to access any one part of it and the entire file opens - such a mind is both a gift and a curse. And if I have such an "incredibly high IQ" as I have tested and as all my past psychs and teachers and professors and employers have told me, then why can't I figure out how to deal with this and how to do this despite the PTSD and the depression????? Over the past 8 years, I have called attorneys, the ACLU, the Anti-Defamation League - even Dr. Phil - I guess most folks just cannot or do not want to believe that something like this could happen to anyone - I guess it's too scary - too overwhelming. HA! They should see it from this side! Nevertheless, I must KEEP TRYING!

Since I am hypersensitive and have had allergic reactions to just about every med there is, I cannot take any meds to help me deal with it all and, of course, I have no T or pdoc now - I have to figure out how to do this myself. All of the hospitals and doctors in this area are part of the same system (Texas Health Resources) and most of them graduated from the same medical school. I would literally have to travel to another state to get medical care. I am terrified of going to the ER - all it would take is one little injection of an antibiotic or any number of other seemingly harmless meds and I am dead within seconds - literally.

Past psychs have told me that I have the same profile as long-term POWs from my family's abuse - and being isolated and ostracized, having my trust betrayed over and over again like this for the past 8-10 years is like being a prisoner and being tortured all over again. Like my brother said the last time I talked to him in December of 2006, "You got away before, but you're not going to escape this time. Your worst nightmare has finally come true." Of course, he wants everyone to believe that I have "dementia" and suffer from "delusions" and "hallucinations" so he can deny verbally and psychologically abusing me - so he doesn't have to take responsibility for his misbehavior and dysfunction. All he ever wanted was control over my share of the inheritance in our mother's will by any means necessary and at any cost to me - and he finally got it in 2007 - he had to destroy my life to do it, but no matter as long as he gets what he wants.

I have got to find a way to depersonalize all of this - to be distant from it - to be cold, clinical, analytical -
I need to find my Phoenix within me - I need it to rise up out of the smoke and ashes of all of this vicious abuse, pain, rejection, betrayal, injustice, greed, apathy, selfishness, arrogance, and ignorance -

I wrote the following on October 14, 1988:

(((Lynn09)))
I cannot save you or the world from suffering.
I'm just one of US
I will never understand it , but I am here for you .

(((Babysteps))) - I really meant it - I didn't want you to read my post - afraid it would add to your pain. I know that no one (not even me) can save me or the world from suffering - but I'm SO glad that You are one of US, and I am one of US, and ALL our other PC friends are one of US When I fall apart now, someone comes along to sweep up the pieces and keep them all in one pile, at least, which is a lot better than be being strewn all through the house, under the furniture, etc. I really don't think I could make it without knowing that you and everyone else are there - just to know that you are there.

(((((((((((lynn09)))))))))))

I'm on your side too, Lynn--one of US. Wishing you love and wishing you strength.
We will always be here for you.