Throw it out there

Hey, Im new to this site and this sort of thing, but I just wanna write some stuff out here to get it out of my head. If you wanna comment or relate or disagree I'd be glad to hear from you.

I am 21 years old and feel like I am 121. Just lately I feel like I have hit that brick wall again. I have felt similar to this before, but just smiled through and distracted my mind somehow, told myself I was happy, loved, wanted - But now I don't even want to pretend that. I have a gambling problem, haven't had a bet in nearly 8 months, it's weird because I did alot of bad things because of gambling - I really don't wanna go back there - but I was just thinking that the happiest I have been was when I was gambling. Things started going good though after then, I had a girlfriend, a good job, prospects, a future worth working and fighting for, I felt like I had a started to climb a ladder, anything was possible, nothing could stop me. Then me and my girlfriend split up. I thought I was fine with it, but it has cut me up inside quite alot. She pretended to be happy with me, told me what I wanted to hear when really now I just think she never liked me, that I am ugly on the inside, I was nice, tried to do all I could for her, begged her to take me back but it was like I was talking to a different person. She has moved on, easily, I have just continued on my downhill slide ever since. I don't miss my gambling, my ex girlfriend, friends I never see - I just don't feel anything anymore. I used to love my job, now I hate it and everyone that works there and I don't know why. I don't like my family or my home, I hate staying in but have nowhere to go and nobody to go with. Stuff just keeps mounting up, little things, that probably mean nothing, but I just think everyone hates me, laughs at me, look down on me and, even though I have tried really hard over the last two years to turn my life around, I don't seem to have got anywhere. I just feel lonely, demotivated, pointless etc.

If anybody has actually read this to the end then thanks, kind of helps to get this crap out of your head.

Quiet Times, hello and welcome to PC...
Thank you for sharing with such honesty, it took courage and I salute you for doing so.

The past few months have held so many changes for you, and sometimes these things catch up with us.
Do you have someone to talk to about it; a therapist or at least a good friend who you trust?
You will find the PC community a place to get support and caring, so please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok?

Perhaps there is some grieving along with possible depression...'course they are usually intertwined but may need to be addressed separately so you can try ad make sense of what is happening.

Don't give up, there is every reason to believe that you will pull things together...and make a new life for yourself.

In Peace
Catherine2

Hi Quiet Times,
I think you'll find that a lot of people will read your post. There's a lot of us online.

You did well to describe everything that's going on with you. And you have been through a lot. Lots of changes. Give yourself time to get over everything. Time to settle down. There hasn't been a "normal" for you in a while. At least one that you can feel comfortable with and say for sure is normal.

This is an exciting age for you. What I mean exactly is, there are so many possibilities out there simply because of your situation. You probably don't realize many of them because it's just your life. You are by yourself, no committments, young, you are employed, maybe not the most wonderful job in the world but you have money coming in, not much going on, things are fairly simple and uncomplicated right now. That's a good thing, by the way. Just bask in it.

We are really glad to have you here. There are lots of nice folks here. Very caring folks, some of them are pretty smart and have lots of wisdom and experience.

Welcome!

Hello & Welcome, Quiet Times!

I agree with Catherine2 and Vickie in Phoenix above. Your post does seem to indicate you are uncomfortably suspended in between what was and what will be. Make yourself at home here. We'll be happy to interact with you as you experience and work through the coming together of the next stage of your life.

i wanted to let you know i read your post , and boy can i relate to so much of it. thinking of you

(((QuiteTimes)))
I also read you post and hope you keep posting. Welcome to PC!
I agree with Catherine, Vickie and Rohag.
I have one thing to add. It might be a good idea to get a therapist. Someone to bounce things off of, to comfort and support you in real life.
But whether you do or you don't, you are always welcome to do that and get that here.

Quiet Times welcome to PC.

Welcome to PC, Quiet Times. Sounds like you have hit one of those "lull" points in life - just drifting about in the Sargossa Sea - slow going in the seaweed and no wind in your sails. The emotional numbing is a pretty good indicator of depression which, considering that you have suffered some pretty significant losses recently, is not surprising. You HAVE gotten somewhere - 8 months without gambling - congrats and give yourself credit for that! As for the rest, your view of your family, home, job, co-workers, friends, etc., is being "colored" by your depression. You are grieving the loss of your habit and the relationship with your girlfriend - and you must go through the process of grieving such losses just as you would the physical loss of a loved one - such "inner deaths" impact us just as deeply as physical deaths, if not more so in some cases. These two things held positions of great importance in your life - they served a purpose in your life and their loss has left a "void" - whatever positive feelings you derived from them are not at present being provided by any other activity or person or thing in your present state. In order to get past this point, you must grive those losses, bury them, them find other people/things/activities from which you can derive those positive feelings once again. Just be careful - realize that you are very vulnerable right now and susceptible to "rebounding." You don't want to just fill that void with anything that could be detrimental to you in the long run. Just be patient, understanding, and kind to yourself right now - try to find some physical activities, like jogging or working out - this releases endorphines into your system (feel-good hormones) and can help you maintain a more positive and optimistic outlook on things. You might also want to consult with a therapist to help you get through the grieving process and help with your depression. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We are here to listen to and support you in any way we can.

Welcome to PC!
You didn't mention if you had tried to seek professional help. Some only need it for a short time (my "little" sister is a good example of that), some need it all their lives (HELLO! That would be me! ) It may be a good idea to look into.

Addiction of ANY kind is hard. CONGRATULATIONS on going 8 months without gambling! It's hard, and you did it!

When it seems darkest, it is the most difficult to see that there is another side, that it CAN get better! Many of us have been there, many of us still reside there. Not only does your mind suffer, but your self esteem and relationships. This is one of the hardest times to ask for help, BUT YOU ARE WORTH IT!

It can be hard to believe in your current state (I am SO familiar with that brick wall! ) but there is another side. It took me over half my life, but I made it. This doesn't mean my life is perfect and without issues. I have bad days, just as I have good days. It was only recently I decided I was done "existing " and wanted to start LIVING. But for many many years, existing was all I could do.

Those of us who have come out the other side will be here to help you. Those who are still in a similar place will be able to provide the support of someone who is going through the same thing. Just know, no matter where we are on this journey, we would not want to be here to help if we didn't want to, and YOU are important enough to help!

Obviously, I am a quiet shy type! HA! Ok, now, how the hey do I get down from here??