[justfloating]

I'm so fed up with my thought patterns!!! It's so difficult to believe that my automatic thoughts on things could be wrong, I guess because I'm so used to that "negative tape" that it almost feels instinctual. Even with the lessening of my depression symptoms to nearly nothing, my thoughts still bother me.

For example, I am signed up with my university's career centre. I filled out a questionnaire on my interests and abilities, and every so often they send me information on possible jobs. I got one today for a youth panel for a marketing company that specifically targets the youth market, and it looks like SUCH a cool job and it would be really good on my resume. And all I can think is that it's going to be highly competitive to get into, I'm not qualified enough, my resume right now looks so pathetic, I wouldn't know what to say in a possible interview, it's just going to lead to a ton of stress for something I probably won't get ... It's the same thing if I wanted to join a club or society. My school has a French society (I'm a French student) that meets once a week in a local coffee shop for "French conversation mornings". I don't know most of the people in my classes this year because a lot of my classmates went on a year abroad so it would be nice to meet other French students. But I haven't been able to get up the courage to go because all I can think is that it's going to be awkward, I don't know how to have a casual conversation, my French skills are really rusty and not nearly as good as the people who just got back from their exchanges in France, I won't know anybody so I'll probably just wind up sitting by myself looking like an idiot ... The thoughts go round and round in my head and I can't stop them, even though I know they're not all rational, I know they're exaggerated, I know that I'm probably worrying over nothing and the world is not out to get me (even though it seems like it sometimes...) But I can't turn those thoughts off and it's ruining my life!!!

[turquoisesea]

(((((((((((((((((justfloating)))))))))))))))))))))

the job is worth a try...
and I'm sure you could find at least ONE person to talk to, even if you're at the fringe for a few meetings

sending hugs, wish I knew what to do with thoughts like that

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I'm so fed up with my thought patterns!!! It's so difficult to believe that my automatic thoughts on things could be wrong, I guess because I'm so used to that "negative tape" that it almost feels instinctual. Even with the lessening of my depression symptoms to nearly nothing, my thoughts still bother me.

In part, that's true - but, they're not instinctual - we develop the habit of "listening" to that tape and validating the negative messages by allowing them to control our behavior.

Originally Posted by justfloating

For example, I am signed up with my university's career centre. I filled out a questionnaire on my interests and abilities, and every so often they send me information on possible jobs. I got one today for a youth panel for a marketing company that specifically targets the youth market, and it looks like SUCH a cool job and it would be really good on my resume. And all I can think is that it's going to be highly competitive to get into, I'm not qualified enough, my resume right now looks so pathetic, I wouldn't know what to say in a possible interview, it's just going to lead to a ton of stress for something I probably won't get ...

And your negative messages are probably telling you that you don't deserve such a cool job, too - right? Since you're already creating the stress in anticipation of the stress involved in applying, why not do it anyway - what have you got to lose?

Originally Posted by justfloating

It's the same thing if I wanted to join a club or society. My school has a French society (I'm a French student) that meets once a week in a local coffee shop for "French conversation mornings". I don't know most of the people in my classes this year because a lot of my classmates went on a year abroad so it would be nice to meet other French students. But I haven't been able to get up the courage to go because all I can think is that it's going to be awkward, I don't know how to have a casual conversation, my French skills are really rusty and not nearly as good as the people who just got back from their exchanges in France, I won't know anybody so I'll probably just wind up sitting by myself looking like an idiot ...

This is actually a good way for you to break the ice at the "French conversation morning" gatherings - let others know that your skills are rusty and you really need the practice and could use their help since you didn't have the opportunity to go abroad - you're there to learn, not perform. If they are all really that much more proficient at it than you, they'll probably welcome the opportunity to show off their skills by helping you.

Originally Posted by justfloating

The thoughts go round and round in my head and I can't stop them, even though I know they're not all rational, I know they're exaggerated, I know that I'm probably worrying over nothing and the world is not out to get me (even though it seems like it sometimes...) But I can't turn those thoughts off and it's ruining my life!!!

I know how maddening those thoughts can be. I have fought those negative thoughts since I was a child (almost 60 y/o now). Over the years, I tried every technique I ever heard about - and still could not shut them up. The one "trick" that has worked for me is to just not to allow those thoughts to engage me in the conversation. In my case, those negative-message tapes were created by my family - day in and day out they lived to demean me - and I knew (hoped) that what they were saying wasn't true - and if they were true, then I was going to do whatever I could to make them untrue. I finally realized that I really don't respect my family members' opinions about me or much of anything else since their only purpose in saying those things to and about me was to inflict pain and damage on me so that they could feel superior, and I applied that viewpoint to the negative messages running in my head. I started answering back with dismissive comments, like, "BlahBlahBlah;" "You don't know what you're talking about;" "I don't care what you say, I'm going to do it anyway;" "Lalalalalalalalala - I can't hear you;" "I'm not listening, so you might as well shut up;" "Why should I listen to you? You're not my friend - you don't have my best interest at heart;" "You're not the boss of me;" "I don't care if I deserve it or not - I'm going to be happy anyway;" etc. I have been doing this for decades now, and those tapes don't run on a continuous loop anymore.

The only thing those thoughts want to do is criticize and hurt you - make you feel bad about yourself - keep you from being around people and doing things you enjoy and find fulfilling. It takes time, but you can replace the habit of "listening" with the habit of "rejecting" those thoughts. (((((justfloating))))) - those negative thoughts/messages may be your nemesis, but they need not be your master. Try to develop a technique that works for you - do not allow that nonsense to rob you of the life to which you are entitled whether those thoughts believe you deserve it or not.

[lonegael]

Good post! Lynn is very right. Do yoou have a chance to pick up a work book on ACT? It is a type of therapy we use with chronic pain patients that is said to be very good with depression as well. It focuses alot on just these automatic thoughts and the feelings they bring with them. See if you can find a workbook on that (they have them in english) adn see if it sems it might help (Also known as Acceptance commitment therapy.) It does sound like a cool job. Hope you apply!

[trevorzero]

It seems possible that your depression is just as much of a problem as ever, only your symptoms have changed.

Depression can be a lifelong condition that has to be managed and dealt with on a realistic basis. That's just the way it is for many people. It may be true for you.

[Pomegranate]

All you can do is give it a try, both the job and the club. Things will turn out the way the turn out. If the stress is too great on you, then maybe you should respect that and not push yourself to do something you aren't able to deal with.

If you feel you can deal with the fear and possible let down if the worst case happens with both the job and the club, then give it a try - just trying makes you a winner! There's no right or wrong, good or bad here. There's just knowing yourself, or trying to get to know yourself. If you succeed or have a good experience that's great! If not, you've learned something, and you move on. Don't make it into more of a big deal than what each situation really is - trying for a job and going to see if you enjoy the french club meetings or not. It's not a measure of your worth as a person.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( justfloating )))))))))))))))))

[idontknow13]

((((((justfloating))))
Personally I have found in the past that situations that make me uneasy usually turn out to be much better in reality. It is hard sometimes to push ourselves to do things that will be good for us in the end. But like Pomegranate stated do not push yourself too much.
Prends bien soin de toi et n'oublie pas qu'une langue n'est qu'un moyen de conversation, rien de plus....

[Chelle23]

Hi Rebecca,
I have stuggled with this problem too. For many years. I have found a few techniques that help me.
1) I imagine that the negative thoughts are boats sailing down a river. Now normally as one of these "boats" sails by I start to worry about it and I "get on board" and find myself "sailing down that river." In this exercise I practice watching the thoughts come down the river and watching them sail by without getting on board. So instead of starting to worry about the negative thought. I visualize it as a boat and just let it sail by without getting on. And I just wait for the next boat to sail by. It's kind of a meditation/visualization I guess. It helps me though.
2) I develop counter thoughts. So when the negative thought comes, ie: "you'll never get that job..." I now have a counter thought that counteracts the negative thought. for example "that's not something I can worry about right now. Everything will work out regardless of what happens."
I hope this helps. Thanks for sharing about this. This has really been an issue for me too lately