[twinmommy38]

My old 1996 Cadillac was acting up again. I have already spent 2000 dollars this year getting it fixed. I went to a car lot and looked at cars. I found one I wanted. ..My first car payments ever.

2006 Saturn Vue...a cross over type thing
Hubby said "Get it!".

While wating at the dealership for them to try and arrainge a loan,
my brother inlaw decided to talk to me on the phone. He is a bank person.

He said I was paying too much...my percentage rate was too high...stupid...do not bring it me to refinance, you will owe more on it than it is worth.....yadda, yadda, yadda........

I felt like an *****$$$$$$$$$$.

My happy proud moment turned into anxiety and sweating and internal pain and shortness of breath and feeling like the dumbest person in the world and stupid and vulnerable and nieve and horrid....just almost weak.

I have drove the car home for the night, not knowing if I will even be able to keep it as we have not finaced anything like that before. The bank could still say "NO".

I was so happy and so proud...I did it myself and now my brother inlaw is mad and thinks I am an idiot.

I just hate myself sometimes. I was so sure. Now I am thinking all kinds of horrible things like...we will be home less because I got this car. We will lose the car and be runined for life...panic and more panic.

Why oh why am I so stupid??????????????????????????????

[lonegael]

(((((((Twinmommy)))))))) Just a question, hon. Why does your brotherinlaw care, if his brother (you hubby, right) decides that it's a good idea? I could see him being exasperated, but he is not in the position to be "mad" and to try to bully you into doing things his way. That was, in my mind, very out of line. If he had doubts, there are other ways to express them.
My suggestion, refuse to talk to him on financial matters. If he and your hubby want to talk, that's great, but it seems as if he uses these times to get something other than what's even good for you, let alone best. I have in-laws that used to play the same game (it's always the woman's fault, see) and I finally simply refused to speak to them of such matters. I'm very glad I did, and I am so sorry that your brother in law made you feel so bad.
Be happy about the car, what will be, will be, and you only make yourself feel worse immagining the worst. Doing so will not help you prepare for it. Who knows, it may not be a relevant matter tommorrow, even. Nothing is sure, so enjoy having made a choice and getting a new car for right now. You're not stupid, and even your hubby agreed with you. Hugs and take heart

[Pomegranate]

(((((twinmommy)))) You made the best decision you knew how. That's all any of us can do. Enjoy your car. If you find you can't afford it sometime in the future, then you can take steps to fix that, sell the car. Don't let your brother in law bully you. Is he a perfect human being who has NEVER made a bad decision???

[shezbut]

How sad!

I'm sorry that your brother in-law was so rude to you. Really, he may be a banker but he certainly wasn't polite or kind! Yes, the bank may be charging high finance fees, but they would not have let you leave the lot if you hadn't qualified for the car loan. Especially nowadays ~ banks are much more cautious in their lending decisions. Due to the financial crunch (mortgages being unpaid, etc.). You can therefore rest assured that the lender feels comfortable in your ability to pay off the loan.

I can understand your fear in the financial commitment. Fear that you might not be able to handle paying X amount of dollars per month for X years. That is normal. You are okay. If money ever does become too tight for you to make car payments, that's okay. You can always sell the car to another. You'll be just fine. Try not to let your BIL's rude remarks worry you. You are okay!

Shez

[trevorzero]

I wonder if your brother-in-law enjoys pulling your strings. Maybe he was acting in a malicious manner. Just a guess.

[twinmommy38]

Well....my brother-inlaw took me and the car to the dealership and made them take it back. I am humiliated.

I am 48 years old...4 boys....attend University...married...work...

Why do peoople boss me around?
I feel like such a foolish person.

The dealership even offered to go down a whole bunch on intrest and payment...he still said no and called them unethical...to their face I might add. He let them know "You do not know her history and I do".

I am laughable aren't I. Just a foolish girl at 48 yeaRS OLD.
I feel shamed....not ashamed......shamed.

[Simcha]

Originally Posted by twinmommy38

Well....my brother-inlaw took me and the car to the dealership and made them take it back. I am humiliated.

I am 48 years old...4 boys....attend University...married...work...

Why do peoople boss me around?
I feel like such a foolish person.

The dealership even offered to go down a whole bunch on intrest and payment...he still said no and called them unethical...to their face I might add. He let them know "You do not know her history and I do".

I am laughable aren't I. Just a foolish girl at 48 yeaRS OLD.
I feel shamed....not ashamed......shamed.

It doesn't matter WHY people boss you around. The reality is that your brother-in-law has NO AUTHORITY, nor the right to boss you around. He is the one who should be ashamed, and NOT YOU. He has acted in a decidedly unmanly manner when he disrespected you as he did. If I were your husband I'd have kicked him in the you-know-what, and then showed him the door out.

I think you need to stop blaming yourself for this bully of a BIL and for your husband's lack of action on the matter. You need to have a good talk with your husband and tell him that he is never to tell his brother anything about your shared lives again. It is quite clear to me that until your husband's head gets screwed on straight, he isn't to be trusted with protecting your dignity and privacy.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. You are NOT a loser, and have nothing to be ashamed about.

[lonegael]

Your brother in law has no right to appoint himself your caretaker because you have certain problems. What he has done was humiliate you, insult the dealership, and made it nearby impossible to do business with them again.
And your husband? where is he in all this? Does he regularly let his wife get dragged around by his relatives?
And hon, (huggs here) you do not have to go along with this, or is there something here I don't know? I know when we people who have chronic mood porblems have our judgement or memory called into question, we tend to believe the accuser and ignore our own judgement. Most of the time, a categoristic doubt of oneself is UNFOUNDED.
End of rantI'm really sorry to hear that all that happened, dear and I wish we all here could reach through and smack someone. Take care, and no, I still don't think you are stupid. I just wish you had better In-laws.

[twinmommy38]

I feel bad...I should have made clear who the BIL is. None of my hubbies family lives here or has contact with us. Hubby would be all alone if not for us. His problem is he is too good and very introverted. He is so proud when we do things. He gets very upset when people from my family but in. He just does not have the emotional mucsle to defend him self.

My sisters always tell me what to do and how to dress and what to do with my hair. It is like they are molding me or trying to make me into what they think I should be and look like and become. They get upset if I stand my ground on something even if it is hair color or hair style or....well, what ever they have an opinion on.

One actually courned me at my mom house want to see my teeth. Telling me what I needed to do with my teeth and this and that. Felt like....no dinity at all. Nothing I do satisfies them and they never appear to be finished with the instructions or critisisums.
Always "This is what you should do"......No matter what, I am always on the out side of the family. Kind of on the periphery...the outer edges.

Pathetic huh?


This BIL is my older sisters husband.

There are 10 of us. I am #9 with 8 older sisters and 1 younger brother.

My hubby says nothing because he has Aspergers and was physicaly abused by his first wife. He has his own issues. I feel sorry for him. He will introvert sometimes too.

He comforts me but like me he can not really do confrontation too good.
He is very, very nice and supportive of me and helps me and I help him.
I do not blame him nor am I making excuses for him, he is just in the same boat emotionally as I am.

My hubby is really nice and kind but very miss inturpeted as unambitous and lazy.
He has a very hard time leaving the house. The kids do not understand this, but they love him to death. They just idolize him.

That is why I was doing all of this myself. Hubby just can't.

[twinmommy38]

I wish we could move away so badly.
My brother is a psychological case worker. He lives about 3 hours away. He said he will never come back here to live. He knows how it is. All the women in the family are very nosey and bossy. You are to groom your image to their standards.
Yet, no matter what you do you never reach it...the point of acceptance.
Nothing is ever good enough but they want to know everything so they can tell you what you should be doing.

[twinmommy38]

Is this normal?
Are all families like this or am I just a really inferior human being who can not do anything? Some times I think I am very smart...intelligent even.

When these things happen and control of my life is given over.......
I feell like an embaresment and just a fool taking up space on this planet.
I wish I could do better.
I do not seem to know.

I am just trying to sort it out so I am typing and typing,
Sorry I am writing to much.
I will stop whinning now and try to get over it

[perpetuallysad]

You are NOT inferior at all. The brother in law and various family members are taking advantage of you and your non-confrontational ways. (I am the same way and so is my husband.) I don't know what the circumstances are but I would say to tell your brother in law to mind his own business and quit talking to him. If its too hard to say to his face (which I completely understand), write him a letter or an email. Tell him the stuff you told us: you are an adult with grown children, married, and take care of yourself, you don't need nor WANT him butting in and changing things you have decided. I, personally, would tell him that he doesn't need to be a part of my life unless he understands he has no right to bully me around or try to control ANYTHING about me. You are not whining, by the way, you are hurt and upset, that's totally OK! Your brother in law is the jerk here.
ARG! Why are some people soooooo mean!?!?
And I am sure you are smart. Look at this like an assignment at school...you have to figure a way to get him off your back and out of your business. You have ?? days to do it. What are you going to do?

[lonegael]

(((((((Twinmommy))))))))!! I'm sorry about my goof up. I guesss i'm so used to that business with in-laws I never thought that your sister would allow her husband to act that way to her little sis. Twinmommy, sometimes we learn roles from the time we are very young about how we are supposed to function in the family. Families are often very hierarchical: often I've noticed it is the women who hold and perpetuate these hierarchies. In my family my mother plays the same games your sisters do, thank God two of my siblings and their spouses refuse to play the game, so the setup doesn't quite work for her.
It sounds like you have become the identified patient in the family. The other family members bolster their selfesteem and ignore their problems by focussing on you as the "sick one".
Once again, Dear: YOU ARE NOT STUPID OR INCAPABLE!!!!! Your siblings and their husbands need you to feel you are so they can keep ignoring their own faults. I know it is not easy for you to tell them to back off, but it sounds like either you have to start doing so, or move. It may have to start out with something small, and realize that they will be p#¤%&/ at you. Think of it as building muscle. At first it hurts, but then the muscles get strong enough to handle it without trouble. I will be thinking of you, Twinmommy. Take a pocket of hugs and use when needed