[facko]

Since my uncle passed away over a month ago, my head has been everywhere. Things have gotten better and then somewhat worse and better etc.

What I have noticed is...the intense anxiety I experienced the week after the funeral..subsided after a little over a week. Then I had a really good week, followed by another period of a less intense anxiety/semi depression...then another good week..followed by another week of more so depression and much less anxiety. I then had another decent week..the anxiety has been pretty much gone, but I will still feel periods of depression.

I do go to school as a full time student (although my head has not been in this semester) and I do work part time as well. I consider myself an above average looking person, and am pretty well spoken. I wouldn't consider myself socially awkward or have anything physically wrong with me. I have a decent group of friends and we go to clubs and what not and have a good time. I have good parents who have done their best to support me. I started talking to a psychologist shortly after this **** started. I feel as though it does help, somewhat...but these feelings seem to be things you really personally have to overcome, even though others can help..again, somewhat.

So yes, things have seemed to gradually get better..especially in terms of anxiety, as I haven't had any real full blown anxiety attacks in weeks. But it seems like depression has creeped on me again. My depression is really based on just generalized guilt. If it makes sense, I will feel almost overwhelming guilt...just generally. I will then feel depressed because of it and will lead me into a train of thought and emotion in which I will feel damaged per say. I will feel like I am not normal...feel guilty and question my morals...I will feel damaged and as if I will never get out of this. I will start to feel different from others so to speak...I really can't truly explain it. It is a feeling..and a feeling needs to be felt to fully understand.

I haven't talked to the psychologist in over a week..I'm going to get an appointment for this week at some point. To be totally honest, I really do not want to go the route of medication..truthfully. And the idea of suicide gives me a deep empty pit feeling in my stomach and a thought of dread..so I can't see that happening either. Can anyone out there relate to these feelings?

[justfloating]

hi facko, welcome to PC

I can relate to a lot of what you're feeling. I'm also prone to feeling guilty, usually over trivial things, or sometimes nothing at all. For me it's a manifestation of my depression, along with low self-esteem, anxiety, a sense of being different or set apart from others, and just general not-feeling-good-ness. Obviously everyone is different, but in my case the depression started out by coming and going, until there was more coming and less going. I'm glad that you're not feeling suicidal right now. It's a good indication of where your depression is at, so if you notice a shift in that thinking, it's a sign you need to get further help.

If you don't feel medication is right for you, then don't take it. It's good you're seeing a psychologist -- maybe just concentrate on talking about your feelings for now, rather than dealing with medication. After you've done some talk therapy for a while, if you still feel that your depression isn't getting better, then maybe you can re-evaluate.

To be honest you sound much more aware of your depression than I every was, and I'm really impressed at how well you seem to be monitoring yourself. Keep it up! I hope you keep us posted on how you're doing, and I hope that you get some relief soon.

[facko]

Thanks for reading my post and being friendly/helpful. It is always good to see that I'm not alone.

I never really experienced feelings like THIS (the last month or so) before in my life. I'm 21 years old...perhaps it is a combination of things just building up to a climax. Stress from school, the death of my relatives the last few years..the trigger being the recent death of my uncle. I guess the anxieties started when I fully realized the finality of death and the shortness of life. The fact that time never stops..I suddenly saw myself as an old man..looking back at my life. Or perhaps not old, maybe just 40 years old with a wife and kids. I started really, truly examining the reason for life..the real reason of existence in general and what existence meant. I guess just a period of deep introspection...an intense period. Thoughts like these can drive even the strongest person to anxiety. These thoughts like I said were strong for a week..left for about a week..came back but not quite as strong for another week..and left for about a week..then again came back not quite as strong and left.

The anxieties themselves, although there..haven't been overbearing like they were in the beginning. Now I will more so feel somewhat depressed on and off once I start to question things again. Or question myself as a person, my character etc. Who I am.

I have read on existential crisis, as well as quarter life crises etc. I feel I have commonality with both those problems. Talking of course does help.