[shrinkingviolet]

I have some small victories to report. I took a shower. I made myself eggs. I called my case manager. I worked really hard at finding some pride in those small things. I haven't showed in a few days---been unbearably depressed. I haven't made a meal in days. Only eating when I could drag myself to fast food (once in three days---that's all I ate too). Been shut off. I tried to find pleasure in those victories too---the water felt good, the eggs were homemade, I reached out for help. But all those victories are laced with fear.

What if it isn't enough for my mom who is just beginning to recognize the depth of my illness? I want to be able to clean up the house and help her while I sit at home all day and she works. My depression paralyzes me and I hate myself for that.

My sleep cycle is way out of control and that's why I called my case manager, to talk to my dr, to find some relief. But after talking to him, what if he can't get the answers I need before another long sleepless night?

My head is spinning with all these doubts and fears and trying to see the good as simple as it is. I want to do more, help my mom, take control, but I am afraid I'll just get manic and crash down deeper. I am so scared and my head is so tired.

For today, I am going to just try to keep moving. Slow. But moving. And maybe that's all I can do?

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Shrinkingviolet!

Originally Posted by shrinkingviolet

For today, I am going to just try to keep moving. Slow. But moving. And maybe that's all I can do?

In my struggle with depression, goal-setting has been nearly useless and often counterproductive. I look back at what I actually did and try to be as glad as possible.

I think your "go slow" approach is solid. When the energy and focus are there, exploit them. When it's not, try not to worry about it (much easier said than done).

The sleep is a big deal. Poor, unrefreshing sleep makes everything worse. See what your docs can do about it. Complain loudly.

Wishing you unexpected, genuinely uplifting small victories!

[twinmommy38]

Welcome

I think making food for yourself is a wonderful achievement...really I do.
You should be proud of yourself.
I feel as though posting helps.

[googley]

Congratulations for your accomplishments. Sometimes the small things are big things. I hope you feel better and are able to keep up your momentum.

[shrinkingviolet]

Thanks for all the support, it means a lot.

[Briester]

You should feel so proud that you were able to achieve this! You did it all by yourself and that's fantastic. I'm happy for you and hope each day brings something good your way.

[Berries]

(((((((((((shrinkingviolet)))))))))))

;1178046] . My depression paralyzes me and I hate myself for that. [/quote]

That's right your depression paralyzes you. Don't hate yourself for it. It is an illness that isn't your fault. You wouldn't hate yourself if you had cancer or MS, would you? So, please don't hate yourself for having depression. It is a very debilitating disease. You are doing your best! You are achieving things.
Love you. Not hate you.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( shrinkingviolet ))))))))))))))))

[idontknow13]

(((((Shrinkingviolet)))))
You should congratulate yourself for doing those small things and to keep trying and moving. Sometimes we just have to listen to what our body and mind is telling us: we need the rest. You are doing more than I was when I was in the depths of my depression.
Keep posting, it helps and take good care of yourself...

[turquoisesea]

hey there violet =)

good job keeping yourself going. It's so important. I too get paralyzed - was thinking of posting about it actually.

All we can do it take things just one step at a time. And please don't feel guilty for not doing enough around the house. You are doing your best. Depression is quite a beast. Sometimes people who haven't experienced depression don't understand how bad it really can be. Society follows this general perception putting TONS of pressure on us to be "normal" "not pathetic" ... whatever you want to call it. But the simple truth is feeling guilty about it will not help. Do as best you can. Keep going going oing as much as you can. If you fall, take a few moments to breathe, then pull yourself up and try again. Best of luck