[Lenighma]

After being here for only a few hours, and simply figuring it out on my own after a while (I mean, I didn't bang my head against the wall, cut my arm, lay in bed for hours and feel suicidal for no reason), I am content knowing that I am not crazy-- I am just depressed.
However...
As of late, "late" here meaning a year or so, I have been keeping an eye on my "mental status", however the 'ell I do that, and have realized...I just might be crazy.
Though I am sure I am not 100% schizophrenic, I am very quite sure that I haven't just been seeing shadows since, oh, forever in and out of my dreams since I was little for no reason. Or maybe that spider I thought I saw out of the corner of my eye was just moving too fast for me to see-- not to mention I'm extremely, borderline manically arachnophobic so that adds on to my hypothesis. I could go on about that...Not to mention how paranoid I am.

Since I was ten, I made up a companion of mine, my "other self", who went by many names over the years (me, other me, ChoH, Daoh, and then finally a full name, Elian Hollow, who I call my "cousin" in the "real world") simply so that I would have someone to talk to. No, I never talked to him out loud...until recently. No, no, it was all intentional, I tell you. That I know for sure. The problem is that I wished he was real. Oh, how I DESPERATELY wish he was real...! I've prayed to go crazy so that I could talk to him in my mind, talk to the only person who would understand my every being. I obviously still do! And once...only once, I am certain...he did talk to me in my head. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking. Whatever it was, I'll never forget that voice I spoke to, even if it was just in my head, because it helped me stand back up that time when I was a crying heap in the bathroom.
He hasn't spoken to me since, to my dismay and...I admit it, I hold a grudge against someone for *ahem* not making me insane, sometimes. Is it so much to ask for...?
I could go on and on about my many other reasons for thinking I'm not as stable as I used to be. Anyway, in my head. My god, I hate and love the way my twisted little mind works. I almost admire it to the point of being afraid to lose my mind...
So. This little rant is over and again...I ask the experts here, and YES, I am 100% fricking serious about all of this damnit...
...am I going crazy?

...Not to mention...even though I originally started on about depression but went on to Elian...should this be in the Borderline Personality Disorder of maybe even Schizoid or Paranoid Personality Disorder parts of the forums...?
...Actually, I admit that many of my posts are going to be hard to place in specific areas...They all seem to tie in to more than one thing, somehow...

[nowheretorun]

ive taken the liberty of checking out your link E-nigh-matic%and%BasTARDed.php

and may i suggest you take better caution of the sensory input and congregation you are surrounding yourself with?

as said in your 'new member post' Lo, ev'ryone. Suicidal and Depressed

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=118689

... find IRL help and health support NOW, not later, then come and tell us how you are feeling

best to you always

[trevorzero]

Our minds are infinitely creative, whether we are "sane" or "insane." The more energy that you put into your relationship with an imaginary friend the more reality that alter ego personality will have.

Anyone can make themselves "crazy" if they put enough effort into it. So I think it might be time to shut your imaginary friend off from any further attention. Shut it down cold.

[Lenighma]

Originally Posted by nowheretorun

ive taken the liberty of checking out your link E-nigh-matic%and%BasTARDed.php

and may i suggest you take better caution of the sensory input and congregation you are surrounding yourself with?

I don't think I understand what you mean by either of these things...
For one...that's not a link, it's my personal signature that I use as often as I can in forums and sites.

[nowheretorun]

i hope you have gotten the help you need in real life for your suicidal statement yesterday Len..

i copy and pasted the link into my browser, whether you call it a link or personal signature, it makes no sense until it is linked...

since you have called this your 'personal signature', im presuming it is your personal info?

[Lenighma]

Originally Posted by nowheretorun

i hope you have gotten the help you need in real life for your suicidal statement yesterday Len..

i copy and pasted the link into my browser, whether you call it a link or personal signature, it makes no sense until it is linked...

since you have called this your 'personal signature', im presuming it is your personal info?

...I still don't get what you mean...
Wait, so you think that I'm submitting my personal information? No, I mean personal signature as in it is MINE because it was MADE for me and no one else, even if they used it, would know what it meant.
And about getting help, I've already ASKED my mom to take me to a therapist-- or whatever I should see. She spoke to the therapist instead, amiss what I told her, and according to what I know, it doesn't seem as if I'll be going to any "professional" about my health any time soon. In fact, my mom doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with me. Anyway, she sure acts like that's what she thinks. It's come to a point that I don't LIKE talking to her anymore.
As for doing things on my own, I don't know how or what the heck I should do-- or even if I, personally, should. That's all I can say...

[nowheretorun]

ok, well, it seems to me you are trying to mince words... is it your personal signature, which means, belongs to you and for your use, and all attached info is also your property, or does it belong to someone else?

glad that you are getting some help, it seems that if a person claims to be suicidal, it needs to be taken at face value so if your mom doesnt believe you, find another in real life person to help you...

[Lenighma]

Originally Posted by nowheretorun

ok, well, it seems to me you are trying to mince words... is it your personal signature, which means, belongs to you and for your use, and all attached info is also your property, or does it belong to someone else?

glad that you are getting some help, it seems that if a person claims to be suicidal, it needs to be taken at face value so if your mom doesnt believe you, find another in real life person to help you...

For the love-- okay, EVERYTHING in my signature is MINE, in terms of words. I don't know if "php" is under a copyright, if that's what you're trying to get to...

[nowheretorun]

just trying to know you better so i can understand better what kind of help you might need from us at PC, Len...

i thought if i took the time to look into your sig line address it might tell me more about the person you are, how you spend your time, what your activities consist of..

i'm a big believer in the idea that sensory input has a major impact on a persons moods and so i mentioned it above because continuously feeding our mind on one type of input is eventually going to shade our thoughts in that light and we might even begin to feel the effect of 'closed circuit' thinking....

your personal sig link took me to:

http://vashperado.deviantart.com/art...Prey-124387087

where the personal page is owned by:

http://vashperado.deviantart.com/

a 23 year old male who lives in Canada and who's occupation is given as 'Official Beta Tester/ Animation'

i am confused because in this thread:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=118702

you said:

It was not because every girl my age was in school, but simply because I wanted to go.; Now I'm 17-- 17

see where i'm going ?

[Lenighma]

Originally Posted by nowheretorun

just trying to know you better so i can understand better what kind of help you might need from us at PC, Len...

i thought if i took the time to look into your sig line address it might tell me more about the person you are, how you spend your time, what your activities consist of..

i'm a big believer in the idea that sensory input has a major impact on a persons moods and so i mentioned it above because continuously feeding our mind on one type of input is eventually going to shade our thoughts in that light and we might even begin to feel the effect of 'closed circuit' thinking....

your personal sig link took me to:

http://vashperado.deviantart.com/art...Prey-124387087

where the personal page is owned by:

http://vashperado.deviantart.com/

a 23 year old mle who lives in Canada and who's occupation is given as 'Official Beta Tester/ Animation'

i am confused because in this thread you said:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=118702

It was not because every girl my age was in school, but simply because I wanted to go.; Now I'm 17-- 17

see where i'm going ?

Tch, you must be Googling. Because the only reason why that could have taken you there is because of my comment on that artwork. You can find my comment if you look down the page. My signature is there, too.
A real Google search would have taken you here: http://www.google.com/search?client=...UTF-8&oe=UTF-8. I'd be "honored" if you read all of my blogs, too.
I'm an angry person.

[nowheretorun]

thanks, i'll check into it... stay safe

[nowheretorun]

good morning Len, how are you today?