[Briester]

Today is another blaaa day. Wife and baby are still away until Saturday, then they come back for 1 week, then off again to India for a month and a week. It's been raining for the last few days. Today marks 3 weeks I've been on Prozac for this thing but only 1 week at 20mg/day (2 weeks were just 10mg/day) and I'm really hoping something starts making a change sometime though I know it's probably going to take a while.

I really dislike my job but I'm fortunate to have one and be able to (barely) pay the bills and mortgage even after cutting out extra insurance policies and getting a small raise. I like computers for what I can do with them and being able to get online but HATE working on them and fixing problems day after day after day. My mind is always telling me that MY life is dreary I'm a failure for not having a job I like and not finishing my degree yet.

I'm trying to keep a good face for everyone around but it just seems like such a mask and I'm tired of wearing a mask every day to everyone. I do my best to offer positive comments here and I believe them when I'm writing and really wish love and compassion for everyone else who's suffering but I can't seem to find that same compassion for myself. I don't even know who I am anymore and can't remember what it was like to be truly happy for more than a few minutes, if that.

Sometimes I really just hate myself and think everyone else would be better without me. My wife and child could have the small life insurance money and my father wouldn't have to worry about me occasionally asking for money when we run short. Sorry to rant..
It's really hard and sometimes I feel like crying but (with the exception of my mother) had it drilled into my head as most guys do that men don't cry and we need to just deal with it. How can I feel such numbness for myself and so much compassion for others?

[angelgirl100]

[quote=Briester;1179834]Today is another blaaa day. Wife and baby are still away until Saturday, then they come back for 1 week, then off again to India for a month and a week. It's been raining for the last few days. Today marks 3 weeks I've been on Prozac for this thing but only 1 week at 20mg/day (2 weeks were just 10mg/day) and I'm really hoping something starts making a change sometime though I know it's probably going to take a while.

I really dislike my job but I'm fortunate to have one and be able to (barely) pay the bills and mortgage even after cutting out extra insurance policies and getting a small raise. I like computers for what I can do with them and being able to get online but HATE working on them and fixing problems day after day after day. My mind is always telling me that MY life is dreary I'm a failure for not having a job I like and not finishing my degree yet.

I'm trying to keep a good face for everyone around but it just seems like such a mask and I'm tired of wearing a mask every day to everyone. I do my best to offer positive comments here and I believe them when I'm writing and really wish love and compassion for everyone else who's suffering but I can't seem to find that same compassion for myself. I don't even know who I am anymore and can't remember what it was like to be truly happy for more than a few minutes, if that.

Sometimes I really just hate myself and think everyone else would be better without me. My wife and child could have the small life insurance money and my father wouldn't have to worry about me occasionally asking for money when we run short. Sorry to rant..
It's really hard and sometimes I feel like crying but (with the exception of my mother) had it drilled into my head as most guys do that men don't cry and we need to just deal with it. How can I feel such numbness for myself and so much compassion for others?[/quo

[angelgirl100]

I am new on here just joined yesterday looking to find someone that will understand whats it like to feel so down. I know exactly what you are feeling except for me all my family is gone and I am alone here to try and get through the day, I have one distant relative I talk with maybe once a week but thats it. I was everybodies friend when I was wealthy, the phone rang off the wall and everyone was eager to get a piece of the pie. When my family passed All I ever wanted in life was true love and found what I thought was it, they took most all my money as I was there for them gave them, clothes, jewelry, money, thousands of dollars they ran up my phone bills and abused me the entire time and I was cliinging to have somebi=ody that loved me. Well aftewr they ran me in debt and I lost all my money and house they went away, now they get on the internet in chat rooms and flirt in front of me no longer wish to be around me, my so called friends I gave shelter and money to I found them last week on line they proceeded to tell me I was a misery and nobody wanted around me so I know what you are saying.

[pegasus]

Hello Briester, hugs

I am glad you are able to write here your thoughts and feelings.

In your writing you have identified a few things.

Yes, you need to wait for the meds to kick in but they will at some point.

You miss your wife and child, maybe you can find some way of keeping in contact more?

You have identified that you are not happy with your job. Maybe you can think about what you really want to do. Keep your job but look around for something else. What do you need to do to change the job situation?

Of course your wife and child would not be better off without you.

Yes, it is easier to help others than it is to help ourselves. But in helping others we are actually helping ourselves. Gradually we are able to believe that we too deserve the same love and compassion.

[Rohag]

Hi, Briester! Glad you posted despite the circumstances.

Originally Posted by Briester

I like computers for what I can do with them and being able to get online but HATE working on them and fixing problems day after day after day.

You're in IT, yes? Is there any small aspect of working on computers that and fixing problems that you DO find enjoyable? What do you dislike most about the work? (As usual, no need to answer.)

Originally Posted by Briester

My mind is always telling me that MY life is dreary I'm a failure for not having a job I like and not finishing my degree yet.

Your mind is telling you these things, but how did these things/values/judgments get into your mind in the first place?

Originally Posted by Briester

...I'm tired of wearing a mask every day to everyone.

The emotional strain of wearing such a mask contributed to my breakdown and withdrawal from normal life. May you find a better and effective way to function.

Originally Posted by Briester

I do my best to offer positive comments here...

You're succeeding

Originally Posted by Briester

...[i] really wish love and compassion for everyone else who's suffering but I can't seem to find that same compassion for myself. I don't even know who I am anymore and can't remember what it was like to be truly happy for more than a few minutes, if that. ... How can I feel such numbness for myself and so much compassion for others?

These thoughts hit close to home for me. Regarding the lack of self-compassion, I speculate the demand to place the needs of others before my own is deeply stamped in my unconscious.

I enjoyed your rant. Please rant again sometime.

[Briester]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hi, Briester! Glad you posted despite the circumstances.

Thanks Rohag, I really try not to add to the heavy thoughts so many of us here have day to day.

Originally Posted by Rohag

You're in IT, yes? Is there any small aspect of working on computers that and fixing problems that you DO find enjoyable? What do you dislike most about the work? (As usual, no need to answer.)

Yes. I've searched this over and over again and the only thing I actually enjoy is being able to get up from my desk often and interact with people, although they're usually fussing, then finally fixing what was wrong and knowing that they're happy because of something I did. That's another issue to though that really the only time I even hear from someone is when they're frustrated and complaining. Aside from that there really is nothing that interests me about IT. When I'm home the only thing I even use my own computer for is email, web, and music. Aside from that I don't even touch it. When I was younger I was kind of into gadgets but as I've grown older I have developed a big distaste for them and all the marketing hype.
I've said it over and over again to my father, and mother when she was alive, how much I dislike IT and they just said "but you're so good at it" and my father just 2 days ago said the same thing when I was telling him again I didn't like it. I also don't really have any other credentials to do anything else despite how much I'd like to be doing something that actually helps people have a better life and not dealing with faulty inanimate objects all day.

Originally Posted by Rohag

Your mind is telling you these things, but how did these things/values/judgments get into your mind in the first place?

I'm not sure really. All my life I heard from family and teachers how smart I was but that I was just "lazy" and so I also felt like I disappointed everyone when I didn't finish school, or get some great job, or be financially self-sufficient early on. I just felt pressured to do things by the book and honorable (but I wish I had been pushed to study harder, focus on an interest/career or get help with studies early on). I faced so much ridicule and teasing when I was young, all the way through school, and even afterward when I was floundering around doing menial jobs to stay afloat. I always thought I was capable of doing so much more on the one hand, and worthless and a burden on the other hand.

Originally Posted by Rohag

The emotional strain of wearing such a mask contributed to my breakdown and withdrawal from normal life. May you find a better and effective way to function.

You're succeeding

These thoughts hit close to home for me. Regarding the lack of self-compassion, I speculate the demand to place the needs of others before my own is deeply stamped in my unconscious.

I enjoyed your rant. Please rant again sometime.

Thank you for taking the time to write Rohag and for your compliment and understanding. I always felt like I needed to please others and over the years I developed such a cynicism towards life and people that I went the complete opposite direction and openly stated I didn't care about anyone else while at the same time my heart was breaking because I really did but felt like I needed to protect myself and the best way was not to trust or be too involved with anyone.

I'll try to be more specific in my next rant.

[liljamie23]

I feel the same way most of the time. Only I lost my job last December and still don't have one. I also have 3 kids ages 9, 5 and 9 months. I gotta say, if you need to cry just do it, no matter if you are a man, woman or child. It might help at least some

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Briester )))))))))))))))))

[ADHD1956]

Briester

[Berries]

Originally Posted by Briester

Sometimes I really just hate myself and think everyone else would be better without me. My wife and child could have the small life insurance money and my father wouldn't have to worry about me occasionally asking for money when we run short. Sorry to rant..

(((((Briester)))))
I just wanted to say...
No amount of money can replace a father, son, or husband. Your family would NOT be in a better place if you weren't in it.

Wishing you some peace from depression today

[Briester]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

(((((((((((((((( Briester )))))))))))))))))

Thank you Fuzzy! That really helps.

[Briester]

Originally Posted by liljamie23

I feel the same way most of the time. Only I lost my job last December and still don't have one. I also have 3 kids ages 9, 5 and 9 months. I gotta say, if you need to cry just do it, no matter if you are a man, woman or child. It might help at least some

Thanks liljamie. I appreciate the understanding. I'm sorry you haven't been able to find something since last year. I hope you're doing ok despite it.
Again, thank you.

[Briester]

Originally Posted by ADHD1956

Briester

Thank you very much my friend. It means a lot.

[Briester]

Originally Posted by Berries

(((((Briester)))))
I just wanted to say...
No amount of money can replace a father, son, or husband. Your family would NOT be in a better place if you weren't in it.

Wishing you some peace from depression today

Thanks Berries. Sometimes though I just feel like they'd have a happier life without my "moping" around at times. Maybe they'd find someone more stable who could give more than I can.

Thank you so much for the hugs and kind words.

[Berries]

Originally Posted by Briester

Thanks Berries. Sometimes though I just feel like they'd have a happier life without my "moping" around at times. Maybe they'd find someone more stable who could give more than I can.

Thank you so much for the hugs and kind words.

No one, no matter how stable, could fill the hole you would leave behind for your child. No one.

You are a dear sweet man. That counts for everything, in my book.

[lonegael]

I'm with Berries, Briester. No matter what you think, that baby will always wonder why you did not stay. Kids never stop needing their parents´, and by that I do not mean stepparents. You are not a threat to the lives of your family, so no, I don't think leaving (as in the planet) is what you need to do to feel better. Hugs, dude. It's a hard row to hoe

[Briester]

Thank Berries and Lonegael both. I appreciate your kindness and comforting words.
Thanks to all who have replied and I apologize if I didn't get a personal word of appreciation to you all. I've really been helped.

[lynn P.]

I agree with the others - it takes a few months for the medication to start working. If you don't notice an improvement by then , discuss it with your doctor. I'm sorry you don't like your job but thank God you have one - so many don't right now. Do you exercise at all - exercise can really make a difference in depression. Try going for some brisk power walks. I think it would also be a good idea to have your vitamin D levels checked - most people aren't getting enough vitamin D.

Regarding your statement - would your wife and baby be better off - absolutely not!! Even though you feel you're contributing minimally right now because you're depressed - you're still an asset to your family and society even if you think it's a small part. I lost my brother a year and a half ago - he took his own life. It's so devastating for family and friends. Even though you're sad - you still have much to be grateful for if you look around. You have a chance to make a difference in your childs life - there's no greater achievement.