Easy to say, Hard to do...

I think you are so correct, {{{{{Wendy}}}}} = I either have to do something perfectly, or I seem to completely give up alltogether. I still stuggle with this issue, even in my current agoraphobic 'state', but hopefully I'm learning little by little... XOXO!! Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Toni, I think our parents are coming from a life of experience and want us to be better than they are, don't want us to encounter the pain and problems they did growing up and a bit of living their lives through us vicariously... in varying degrees. Many times, they have higher standards for us than they had for themselves. They see us as reflections of themselves so they try to polish us to shine brighter. Sometimes they go overboard or they have twisted perceptions of how to do it.

The thing to do is make yourself happy. It's you you will have to live with the rest of your life. You know best what you want and what you need.

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Wendy, my first reaction was to say "I'm passed that" because, for the most part, I've overcome my perfectionism. I allow myself to fail and then try again. But you know? You're right! I don't do what I want to do most because I know it wouldn't meet my mother's expectations of me... which in many ways, I've taken them to be my expectations! In reality, neither my mother nor I can be the final judges of what the final outcome will be. I want to write a book that will make an impression but I think to myself, "It's been done before" so I sabotage my efforts. I want to paint, but there are people that can do it so much better than me, so why try? There's more than perfectionism at play here, but I won't go into it for now.

Thanks so much for giving another aspect of the problem! Much, much food for thought here. YUMMY! hehe

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Hi SeptemberMorn,
Gee do I relate to you! No money, and the kids wanting things, which in turn starts that downward spiral...etc. etc. I have to point out that I have since married and moved away from my kids, (they are adults now) but I am struggling with the same issues of the black and white, all or nothing type thinking that I do so well. When you mentioned SABOTAGE, it jumped out at me. I remember my doc telling me years ago that I was a master at self-sabotage, and thinking to myself he was off the wall. It took me many years to accept that I indeed am a master of it, and have to constantly ask myself if that is what I am doing. I haven't worked since I moved in November 1991, I have sent out a few resumes and never heard anything back, so I sort of resigned myself to being "not good enough, not experienced enough" etc. basically to being stuck in my present situation. I can always come up with an excuse, my best one being my car needs work and is sitting parked for the last 5 months. I thought about what can I do to sell...crafty things, but get stuck there too. I am not artistic, can't sew etc.
After I read your post, I have to wonder if I am setting myself up to fail before I even start...hmmmm Thanks for planting a thought in my head!!! Sometimes I need a good boot in the rear to see what I am doing or not doing!

Pondering things over....
J

I've been reading the past few days and wanted to reply, but something that stopped me is relevant to the question....

Why is it easir to stay stuck? Disorganization is one I can think of... Scattered in too many directions at one time... not having time to concentrate completely on what we need or want to do....

Another reason I can think of is not knowing what to do.... Wanting to change, improve, better... but no idea how to go about it, where to start.....

Everyone else has had great ideas on this too I think.....

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Hi Wendy & Peanut,

That's is really a vivid portrait of me. A big weakness of me is always dreaming everything to be perfect. Sometimes I get trapped because of it. It's hard to realize that everything has flaws, and myself too, I have the most flaws... Only God can deal with me (LOL)... Truthfully, I have never thought about this through until Wendy's post. I mean I did thought about it, but it's like the hell with it... then I just dropped it. Thanks, Wendy.. Your words enlightened me in a good way on this issue... I used to be very anxious when things were not going well, I felt miserable when I had to push around... But you know what, more and more I see things just have their own ways to work themselves out, if we keep our expectations at a resonable level, the final outcomes always give us more good surprises than disappointments.. When I don't expect more than it seems possible, I feel whatever good I get finally is some extra blessings.... How wonderful our Lord is....

Amen..

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

Hi Sept,

What you said was so true, reminded me so much that I should have standed in their shoes too... Anyway, they never meant bad to me, nor do any parents in this world. Someday, I may turn out to be much thankful to my Dad for his high standred applied on me, yeah, I think so. And I may do the same thing when I have kids... Well, I'm just feeling so lucky to be able to grow up with loving parents and a harmonious environment, shouldn't have complained...

Thanks, sept.....

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

Hi nowhere,

To find a focus is so important, that's so true.

Oh, I hate to be disorganized, it often brings me panic... But thank God, I found my way to reorganize myself, no matter how messy it is... I think as human, we all have a tendency to be lazy if possible, it's our nature... ?? Don't know...

Yeah, it's just great to have all of you giving thoughts here...

Love you all...

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

I am all for organized chaos myself.

Morning Hey Hey! Nice to see your shining face on the boards today.

Heidu

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has a Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has a Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

You too, Heidu... I was just wondering " hey, where is Heidu?" How was the painting go? You must be exhausted... poor girl.... (((((((Heidu))))))))))

May sunshine comes your way and brighten you day...

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

The painting stuff is going well thank you. Today I am spackeling holes and sanding and then cleaning a room so it's ready to go tomorrow.
I got a little hitch in my day today. I usually dont glam up when I am remodeling and cleaning BUT I got a delivery in of Makeup products that I need to deliver tonite to people so instead of hitting the couch and relaxing I have to get all pretty and go out. I wasn't planning on that at all today.
On the up side, Business was good last week. I don't plan on doing much this next few weeks with Mary Kay so I can focus on getting the house done and I can look sloppy doing it :O)
Smiles
Heidu

PS I am getting tired, I have to admit but things are starting to take shape and it's worth it.

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has a Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has a Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

Hey, ya'll... let's not let this thread die. Let's face it, many of us need to work on motivation or we wouldn't be stuck.

First thing that comes to mind is "baby steps." All of us know things that we would like to do or get done. If we picked just ONE EASY thing that we would like to do, we could start making movement towards learning how to dispell that inertia.

Example: My computer is getting ready to die at any time so hubby and I have been saving money for a new one. We're almost there... probably the first part of next week. As soon as I get it set up, I'm going to get my files back from Heather and I'm going to add some thoughts to the draft of "my book." I'm going to commit to writing for no less than one hour a day to myself and maybe one other person that I know will make me accountable. That's three baby steps. Right now I'm concentrating on getting my new computer. Exciting, eh? The excitement of getting it and setting it up should give me enough momentum to check out the new version of Word. I know that if I start writing, I won't be able to stop, so one hour a day is minimal! I'll save that for when I get writer's block.

Ok... who's next??

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

That's really terrific, (((Tomi))) = I'm excited for you on all counts!!! XOXO! Jillers

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Thanks, Jillers!

Where's your baby step, though? How about taking Peanut out to the front of the house, OUTSIDE, first day for 15 minutes and then extending the time slowly? Yes? Yes? You can do it!!! You've done it before!

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

My goal is to finish chipping old glue off my soon to be livingroom floor even though I DON'T WANNA.
The catch is, to remember that my husband and I think very differently and although I see something that needs to be done and do it, he sees something he doesn't want to do so doesn't. Even though I am going to have to do most of this on my own my baby step is to try to accept the differences in thinking, learn to never start a project unless it is something I can and want to do alone and lastely, not to let the current situation make me mad.
Getting a new computer IS exciting and you can start on that book. Too cool!!
Heidu

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
~ Carl Bard ~

Hi Morn,

Sorry I wasn't able to follow up on this thread for days, things have been pretty up to my throat... But I'm trying to keep the pace catchable (is there such a word? I like what you said about those baby steps. And it's very important steps for rerounting and refocusing. I'm so glad to hear your wonderful steps you are taking. And thanks for calling for continuity on this thread. I will try to be here more and write more...

(((((((((Morn))))))))))))))

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

{{{{{Toni}}}}} You can only do so much. Don't push or be hard on yourself.

Just like I said in "RE: Avatars," These two threads tie in with each other, so to those who are interested, please check out the other thread. There are some questions that Darrel (nowheretorun) has posted and some of us are answering them. This could help us to take those baby steps.

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

HEY hey hey!!
Been thinking about you and wondering what you were up too. Glad to hear youre doing ok.
Try to take some time just for you, it's VERY important :O)
Heidu

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
~ Carl Bard ~

I don't know if you meant to be funny, but I had to chuckle about your description of different thinking... You often make me laugh whether you intend to or not... My baby step will be to work on developing my humor a bit more... even if it's just occasionally or only here... at least it's a start.

Hope everyone has a great day

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Hi Sept

I remember you mentioned once you had an older computer (so do I) so I can believe getting a new one would be exciting.... and you're writing a book. That's cool! Great luck and keep us posted on your progress... I'm very interested. Have you chosen a topic?

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Nowhere,
Were you referring to the difference in thinking between my husband and I? I can see how that is funny when you think about it but when I actually wrote it I wrote it cause it's very true.
Glad you got a chuckle anyway and I think your challenge you made for yourself is great!
Heidu

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
~ Carl Bard ~

"HEY hey hey!!" LOL That's just too original, Heidu! LOL LOL It's cute, though, and hard to resist. hehehe

I've sure noticed a change in you! You seem to be more upbeat and funny! {{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Darrel, thanks for asking. I unwittingly started "the book" when we were all still on the other site. There were some points I wanted to get across to some people there but I didn't want to blast it at them so I started off with "Things I have learned on my journey to recovery: I have learned that..." After looking at that post, it became apparent to me that I could write at least one chapter on each thing I had learned.

A few years ago, I made up a little book of quotes, helpful hints and some sayings my mom had and gave the little book to each of my kids. So many times it feels like they don't understand me now and I get that old feeling of being stupid, that I thought I'd just write those things down for them. Then I thought..."Hmmm... why not the book I'm always threatening to write?" I don't like the title, though. Gotta give it more thought. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open!

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Heidu...
I don't think the difference itself is funny, I thought of editing the post to clarify... I can see how aggravating that could be... what I thought was funny was your description of it You do what needs to be done... he sees what he doesn't want to do and doesn't do it.... It's so hard explaining what makes us laugh, but it definately was not your situation, just the summary of it. Am I making any sense?

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

This is something I really think is cool. Tieing it in with the other thread... what you've done is made lemonade from lemons... healed the dragon to some extent.

By writing the book, you make value from negation. Others can read the book and gain insight, inspiration, knowledge. In some small or even large way, their dragon is healed... When a book is written, anyone, anywhere who has access to it and speaks the language can gain better understandings....

Your book can be a tool to heal yourself, and the larger global community as well.... I think it's fantastic.

Hooray for Sept !!!!!!!

I'll try to think of a title... I love things like that

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius