[shrinkingviolet]

Small victories...big defeats seem to be the central theme going on lately. I am working on climbing out of my deep dark hole of depression and it is so hard.

I lost my job and because of the economy I failed to find another. I lost my apartment and had to move in with my mother who I swore I never would live with again when I turned 18 because she is an alcoholic.

Living with her is NOT helpful or healthy, but because of circumstances getting out soon is not an option I have. I am trying to find some healthy coping skills. Right now, I basically stay in my room while she is out in the house drinking or letting her ex-husband/current "love" verbally abuse her while she is too drunk to notice.

I told her yesterday the things he has been saying to her. She cried, said she was done with him, apologized for hurting me and not supporting me and putting him first, etc...

Where is she tonight? Back out with him. Dealing with my depression and just hanging on, this reaffirms how worthless and unimportant I am. She rather be with a man who abuses her.

Am I being selfish? Am I just banging my head against a wall---trying to get support from someone who just isn't willing to give it?

When I made attempt on my life four years ago, I called her from the emergency room after having my stomach pumped before voluntarily being hospitalized and she refused to come see me. She was with him.

I think she blames me for being bipolar. I think she thinks I can control it.

I have a daughter myself and I am so internally conditioned to fiercely love and care and protect her. And I wonder why my mother doesn't feel that way about me. I feel so unimportant and useless and worthless. I try to use my voice to explain this to her and she says I am being selfish and that it isn't all about why I feel.

And here I sit. Alone. I went to the store and got some snacks. And it was such a nice night. A night to be out with friends and laughing. But not for me.

I know I rambled, but thanks for letting me vent.

[Rohag]

Hi, Shrinkingviolet!

Originally Posted by Shrinkingviolet

Where is she tonight? Back out with him. Dealing with my depression and just hanging on, this reaffirms how worthless and unimportant I am. She rather be with a man who abuses her. ...

I think she blames me for being bipolar. I think she thinks I can control it.

... Am I just banging my head against a wall---trying to get support from someone who just isn't willing to give it?

...I wonder why my mother doesn't feel that way about me. I feel so unimportant and useless and worthless. I try to use my voice to explain this to her and she says I am being selfish....

One Possible Perspective: It may be useful to look at your mother as ill herself, not as a depressive/mood disorder type but as a personality disorder type -- I'm not saying she has a personality disorder, simply that using this perspective may serve as a framework for understanding her behavior.

Your mother may be unable to be empathic toward you. Life events and the (damaged?) nature of her psyche may not allow her to form the "normal" kind of feelings a mother has for her daughter.

If that is the case, maybe you are mostly correct: you are 'trying to get support from someone who just isn't capable of giving it.' And if that is the case, then healing/coping may involve you not building a wall, but developing a boundary between your self-concept and your mother. Strive for a healthy self-acceptance independent of your mother's feelings and behavior (MUCH easier said than done).

In any event, try looking at your mom as a "case" in her own right.

Wishing you emotional freedom untouched by others' dysfunctions.

[phoenix47baby]

I think you are doing a good job surviving in the environment you are and in the temporary situation in which you are also surviving. Hang in there. Your mother may
see the truth of the matter before long. You are still important to her despite her addictions. She just does not know how to show it. You are number one! Hang
in there.

[lonegael]

(((shrinking violet)))) wonderful to hear that you feel so strongly about protectiing your daughter. I think it is a good indication of how much healthier you are than your mom.
I don't think that her going back to the same harmful people and behavior has anything to do with YOU. It's not that she disregards you or is demonstrating how litle worth you have. I don't think in her world of addiction she can see further than her own nose. Alcoholism plays som of the same games as depression, but addictions usully cause the addicted to project their feelings for them selves on others or disregard those who don't affirm the addiction.
She thinks she should or can control her addiction, but because she can't admit there is a problem in the first place, she tries to hand you the responsibility instead. You point out the mess her addiction has gotten her into, so she disregards whatyou say, because, in the end, the alcohol is her real love.
I appreciate the fact that you are stuck with her right now. Things aren't always ideal or even close to it. I know you are already planning to get out as soon as you can. I want you to know that I am thinking of you, supporting you in your efforts to maintain your own health in the face of this. Rohag has a very good post, and his questions are worth thinking of. I feel for you, but I also admire you. Even though you live with a person who is sick and dificult, you are taking steps to try to protect yourself and break with her example. You are a strong and wise person, violet. Never forget that

[shrinkingviolet]

Thank you so much for all you words. It gives me outside perspective so I don't drown in my own mind.

[Pomegranate]

Don't try to get water from a rock. Your mother is a rock. Maybe if she sobers up and has spent some years in recovery she MAY become capable of real love and support but I doubt it. I have a mother like yours, except mine isn't an alcoholic although she was the wife of one until he died. Then she spent all her time and energy on married men until she got too old. Now she spends all her time alone and unhappy and blaming everyone else for her unhappiness. I feel the same way about my daughter as you do about yours, and had the same problem trying to understand why my mother didn't feel about me the way I felt about my daughter. It took me a long time to accept that my mother is a very sick person and not capable of giving me love or support.

Have you ever tried attending Alanon meetings or Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings? You might find that helpful in your current situation. I did.