something about me

is it something about me?

i've wrote in my previous post that i have some things to do recently so i dont think about my depression a lot like i always do, which is a great thing. i was a little busy preparing myself for my graduation day, i go out with my family for a few times (its a rare occasion), and then d-day of my graduation itself, and then my father getting another bachelor degree (his formal grad day), i met a few new people, im getting kinda close with my drinking-friend lately and go to places to kill times at night, i spent quite more time to chat with one of my old friend from college, im getting a little motivated to at least look for a job that i never thought i wanted that job at all before, im planning to get my *** into the gym to keep myself healthy. all the joy & laughter sure does help me a lot going through my depression. from there, i have a chance to meet some new things also. i tried to open myself for new things. it turns out i just cant keep up with it, i think. i know i am different than ordinary people out there, i dont belong there. i belong here, in my own state of mind. the suicidal thoughts is coming back at me, right in the face. i feel like i just want to inject myself with some poison and die in sleep. tired of myself. im sad when i cant stop thinking about suicide, nobody wants it, but something just keep haunting. i dont need a big ammount of friends, this is not about that, this is about how pathetic my life is, my self on the inside, my self for who & what i am, something that you can easily identified if you spend times with me, something that keeping me away from great opportunities out there. i was having a glimpse of desire to be a better man, but it seems even harder to reach. i found this quote once, "if life's ain't hard, then you never learn". but again, why everything seem like 10x harder to me.

((((Perfect silence)))))) Soemtimes it really is 10X harder. I relate.

Hi, Perfectsilence, and congratulations on your graduation and new experiences!
Personal Opinion: It's good to open yourself to new things as energy and motivation permit. Bumping up against the edge of your comfort zone can be valuable, if painful. As a fragile person, I have to exercise greater caution in trying to expand my comfort zone; unthinkingly bashing against its boundaries out of a desire to emulate broader society's image of the "successful person" easily could backfire, deepening my depression and resulting in greater withdrawal.

I don't know if the above in any way applies to you, Perfectsilence. In taking care of yourself you don't have to play by anyone's rules - not mine, not society's, not your T's. May you comfortably find your own way, and may that way bring you success and real happiness.

No, it's not you. It is depression. Unfortunately you have it and it does make things 10 times harder. It also tells terrible lies about ourselves. It is very, very difficult not to buy into them though. I am guilty of that myself.

Try to go easy on yourself. You have a debilitating illness. Just as if you had a serious physical illness. You need to heal. And that healing takes time and work.

Do you have a T?
Are you on meds?
Sometimes those two things can make a world of difference.

Congrats on graduating! That is huge!!