[ThePainNeverDies]

I don't even know how I feel anymore... All I know is that my whole body, mind and soul feels numb and when I want to cry, I can't. When I want to shout, I can't. When I want to tell someone how I feel, or write about how I feel to try to help me out of this, I can't.

Last night, a friend phoned me and straight away he asked me what was up. Because he knew that something wrong purely because I hadn't sent him a single text that day. I tried telling him, he guessed what a part of it was and we talked about it a little, but I still didn't feel better until he just distracted me from it and made me laugh. Somehow.

I don't even know what to say anymore, what to do to make me feel better. Connor asks what's wrong and I just can't tell him because even I don't know. I seriously just want to let go, give up, lie down and stop. Just stop. Being. Never "just be" again. Just do what everyone else keeps trying to do. I just want to lie down and go. Leave the World behind. I feel like no-one would notice if I slipped away.

I feel like everything that has ever happened to me --- the abuse --- happened for a reason, and I believe that reason is because I deserved it. You know, reading over my journal the other day, I read "I slammed the cupboard door..." That was because The Adoptive Mother had accused me of lying when I wasn't lying, she was the one lying and trying to take me for a fool. But I thought "maybe I WAS a bad kid, maybe I did do everything wrong, maybe everything was and still is my fault".

My own Twin tried to kill me, my Adoptive Parents tried to kill me, people around me now are trying to hurt me and kill me and I just.. I feel stuck and like there's no point anymore. I feel so hopeless.

I just want to let go. I wish I could feel happy with my life but I don't. Not anymore because everything's so wrong now

I'm sorry. I just needed to get this off my chest

[Rohag]

Hi, ThePainNeverDies.

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I feel like everything that has ever happened to me --- the abuse --- happened for a reason, and I believe that reason is because I deserved it. You know, reading over my journal the other day, I read "I slammed the cupboard door..." That was because The Adoptive Mother had accused me of lying when I wasn't lying, she was the one lying and trying to take me for a fool. But I thought "maybe I WAS a bad kid, maybe I did do everything wrong, maybe everything was and still is my fault".

This paragraph hits close to home. Somehow, as a child, I "learned" that whatever an adult/authority figure thought was the truth really was the truth. If I thought otherwise, I had to be wrong or mistaken. I have never been able to fully unlearn that "lesson"; my emotions are still closely wedded to it.

Here's hoping our emotions will follow rationality.

[ADHD1956]

[gingerkat]

Oh doll, I'm sorry your feeling bad. I just got back from the hospital and I'm ready to listen to you! ((hugs))

[lynn P.]

Please hang in there and be patient with yourself. I think you're a survivor and your thoughts are just trying to bug you. Relax and let the thoughts come - you don't deserve to beat yourself up like this. Sift through those thoughts and deep down you'll find the strong person that's inside. Wishing you peace

[ThePainNeverDies]

Rohag; I'm sorry that you can relate to this... I wish we weren;t stuck in such a mindset as everything's our fault even if we weren't there when whatever is supposedly our fault happened! I hope you can manage to work through this. It's not a nice place to be.

ADHD, thank you for the hug. It means a lot just knowing that people care enough to read, let alone enough to reply.

Gingerkat, don't be sorry! You can't be here all the time! You have your own struggles too, we all do. I guess tonight it just overwhelmed me after just holding it in for months on end and not saying anything.

Lynn, also thank you for being here and replying. I'm trying to be strong but I just don't know how much longer I can hold out for. Thank you for your support in this.

I still don't feel much better, Connor's just asked me what's on my mind and I've come back straight away with "nothing, why?" and he's just left it at that like I knew he would. I don't want to be bugged about it right now, I can't even find words to explain how I feel. I'm just fed up. I wonder if this was how my Dad felt when he committed suicide

[lynn P.]

I wonder if this was how my Dad felt when he committed suicide

I hope you never feel desperate and feel that's the only way out. My family is also affected by suicide - lost my brother a year and a half ago and my Grandmother before I was born. I know a very good suicide link if you would like it. Please be patient and take some slow deep breaths - these feelings will pass. Do you like funny movies? - because a good belly laugh does wonders for boosting the mood. Please take extra care of yourself.

[ThePainNeverDies]

You know, I had a really good belly laugh today. But while it cheered me up for a few minutes, my mood just sank back down again... I just feel numb and helpless and the only pain I can feel is the growing pain in my stomach where the lack of eating has caused stomach cramps from periods to get more painful. Fun times.

I just want to get away from all of this. It's seeming more and more impossible by the minute.

[justfloating]

(((((((((((ThePainNeverDies))))))))))))))

[gingerkat]

Thanks doll, got your message on facebook. Luv ya, and take care of yourself!

[shezbut]

(((ThePainNeverDies)))

Oh boy ~ I can definitely relate. I, too, blame myself for many painful experiences that began in my early childhood.

I've been struggling hard to keep living my life. It is h-a-r-d . Keep on pushing though. People DO care about you. People WOULD miss you a lot. You don't deserve to live ongoing misery. If you are seeing a T, give him/her a call now and let them know. You need help getting through these very dark times. You are aren't alone. Say it over and over and over again if you have to.

Shez

[uhhidk]

thepainneverdies

[angel730]

I'm sorry that you have been through so much. I cant say that similar things have happened to me, but I have been that low before. It helps me when people let me know they are there---even strangers. So a big hug for you!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you for all your hugs, it helps.

I feel a little better today after some sleep, but all I can think about is how the next few days are going to be. I feel like sleeping all the time and I just don't want to do anything, see anyone or feel anything. I feel so numb and just like I don't even have a soul anymore, like I'm not even alive anymore, so why should I be physically alive if I don't feel mentally alive?

I can't do anything that helps me because there's always something that has to get in the way, something that stops me from doing it. It's always such a struggle just to try to do ONE thing that helps me and I feel like I'll never be the person I always wanted to be.

The police believed their lies, not my truth, my tears, my anger, hurt. They believed the family that hit me at every opportunity, that physically, mentally and sexually abused me. How could they?!?! Because that family are so good at faking emotions and now I feel like none of it ever happened, that it was just a bad dream and I never woke up from it fully.

I WISH.

It's too late now, or so it feels, to make anything better

[lonegael]

((((((TPND)))))) Sorry that I had to run off. It sounds like you are really having a horrible time, love. There are some adults who feel that making mistakes is the worst they can do, because there is no forgiveness in their world. So, if they hit you, they have to make sure that they think that the blow was not a mistake, but the only possible response to something you did. and since no child deserves the type of abuse you recieved, then you in their world had to be an utter monster to force them to do that. That's how they try to keep the guilt and the shame of having f-d up once or twice. They can't forgive themselves, and what should have stopped as a spilt second smack and "Honey I shouldn't have done that, I'm sory" turns into years of systematic abuse.
Don't believe the lies, TPND. They needed them, Depression needed them, you assuredly do not. It's not worth having to live your adult life constantly fighting the battles that you actually won by surviving. You are strong, and I know that Connor and others besides myself know this. The pain is simply a phantom pain from a diseased part oof your life that you left behind. Try to remember that. IF you feel so badly, please consider getting in touch with your T or with the mergency room, dear. Hang on. Hugs till your eyeballs pop!

[ThePainNeverDies]

Lonegael, it's okay. I'm glad you've replied

I am having a pretty horrendous time... I woke up again in the middle of the night, lucky that I managed to get to sleep in the first place. It took me long enough. But yeah I woke up from a bad dream and couldn't sleep properly again until Connor turned over and put his arm around me again, in his nice, sound sleep. He's so lucky.

I'm scared of sleeping and do you know what the sad thing is? It's because of them that I'm afraid. They used to shoot me with a BB gun whilst I was sleeping. I used to sleep with my door open and the landing light on because I was afraid of the dark, I tried shutting my door but they still did it. How rude when I was a young lady and could've been sleeping naked for all they knew?! Funnily enough, my Adoptive Father walked in on me when I was just starting to get dressed. I was about 15 at this time. I went absolutely mad! He didn't even bother to knock. None of them did, hence me putting signs on my door to keep out or knock before they came in, only for them t be ignored and me be mocked for wanting people to knock before they came in!

Jeez. I just can't believe that the police have been of no use to me at all, the fact that it was NOT an officer who specialised in childhood abuse, but in rape, who interviewed me and she knew me from past rape cases so judged me and hated me from the start. She didn't even get the whole story out of me, she just got up and started to walk out, when I still had so much more to say! When I cried, she made me feel stupid, she said she wasn't going to listen to my crap and that I need mental help.

I feel let down. Hugely, awfully let down. I feel disgusted. I have since told my Twin after she spoke to me after the case and told me not to refer to her as my family or twin or anything to do with me, that she can try to come running to me when she's left all alone after a while, but she won't get anything from me. She knows what happened but she still lied about it and she even said "I'd choose Tom over you anyday" meaning she'd choose my abusers over me, she'd lie for them.

I don't have a T at the moment and I can't go to the emergeny room right now because of Connor. I'm safe until tomorrow at least because he's here with me, so...

The only thing I'm struggling with right now is my throat and breathing. It's burning from the endless purging and I'm sitting here feeling glad that no-one's commented on the fact that I've had no lunch and I don't plan to eat until dinner time and even then, I will only eat the veg from the roast that Connor and I have to cook for his family. I've got it all planned out in my head and I hate that I go through this ritual everyday and plan when the next day is that I can starve. It's endless.

I've been told by many that I deserve to be in "a mental hospital and kept there til the staff think I'm better which is never". My own Twin said this to me. I cannot believe how mcuh she has let me down, the times she has tried to kill me, knocked me out, pulled knives out on me, beaten me up until I can't stand anymore. I have asthma from the constant neglect, sore ribs from their abuse, bad knees from constantly being pushed to the floor.

I can't stand it anymore. I can't live with the memories and I know they'll be there forever so I just want to stop living and that will mean I don't live with this anymore. I don't want to be here if all there's ever gonna be is THIS.

I hate it. I hate myself. I hate the people who have let me down. I wish I'd died when I was 2 days old from the bronchiolitis.

[lonegael]

(((((((TPND))))))) Hang in there , dear. I'll PM directly.

[VickiesPath]

Dearest ThePainNeverDies,

I've never been through nearly anything like the physical or emotional abuse to the degree that you have. But what caught my attention was that you were describing my feelings. Every word that you wrote about how you FEEL, every word that you wrote about what you are THINKING, every word that you wrote about what you want to DO, are how I feel, think and wish to do. I don't have any idea why. My life isn't that bad. Not when compared to how others live and what they deal with. It's just that my life feels so empty. And I am tired. So tired, that I simply don't believe I can go on anymore. My son is almost 16 and is living with his father and is well cared for. My husband is trying to be supportive but frequently cannot get beyond his own expectations of me. I simply have no energy with which to fight this anymore. I am in an Intermittent Outpatient Program currently and don't even want to go there. That is not like me.

I am sorry you are in so much pain. I hope you find a way to feel better.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks lonegael.

Vickie In Phoenix; I wish you didn't have to feel the same way I do, it's a horrible way to feel and no matter how bad a person's situation is, we all react to them differently. You have every right to feel the way you do.

I am the biggest let down that anyone could ever meet. I let everybody down in life somehow and when I put me first for once because I can't help that one person who ALWAYS needs my help whom I met from another forum, she'll put me on a guilt trip just like The Adoptive Family used to.

You know, I look at the picture of my Foster Parets every day, at least twice and I go to bed with their picture opposite my bed and I wish they were still here. If they'd been here, none of this would've happened. They all tell me I'm pathetic, an attention seeker, a freak, mental and I need to go into a mental hospital and be locked up and never let out again.

Maybe I should go because I'm just like a walking empty shell, but then I'm too scared to go, too scared to admit how much I really am struggling. Nobody ever knows how much I really am struggling. Nobody. I'm too scared to tell them and even writing this now, I'm scared

I odn't even know what to say anymore. I'm stuck. Well and truly stuck.